[humorix] Update: Windows XP Is Good For The Economy

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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Update: Windows XP Is Good For The Economy
August 21, 2001

Last week, the Blartner Group reported that the release
of Windows XP could spell disaster for the world economy[1].
After receiving a large "stipend" from Microsoft,
the Blartner Group has retracted that report
and issued a replacement study entitled "The release
of Windows XP will create thousands of new jobs".

This new study argues that future Microsoft products will
spur new job openings throughout the world, including
everything from "License Managers" to  "Server Babysitters"
to "Bluescreen Boys"[2].

"People have always worried that computers would take over
and eliminate jobs," said a reformed Ted Blartner.  "Yeah,
right.  Thanks to Microsoft, new career opportunities are
becoming reality every day."

Blartner predicts that major companies will need to hire
full-time "License Managers" to keep track of every Windows
license and Certificate of Authenticity the company has
ever acquired.

Blartner argues, "Microsoft's piracy police will start
making surprise inspections at large companies to check for
compliance.  To prepare for these 'compliance visits' will
require thousands of man-hours of filling out and
organizing paperwork."

He added, "...Microsoft will probably start requiring
companies to submit retinal scans, social-security numbers,
and home addresses of each and every employee who has ever
touched a Windows box.  This information, of course, will
be used by the Microsoft piracy police to make a surprise
inspection of the employee's home to verify that they
haven't smuggled out any Microsoft CDs over the weekend
'for testing purposes'."

"All of this will be spelled out in the End-User License
Agreements for Windows XP and other Microsoft innovations,"
he pointed out.  "But who wants to read a 523 page document
written in Flyspeck-3?"

Meanwhile, companies who install Windows on the back-end
will need to hire "Server Babysitters" (also known as
MCSEs).   These people hover around Windows servers and
reboot them at the first sign of trouble (i.e., every other
hour).  

Server Babysitters have cell phones, beepers, laptops with
Internet access, satellite phones, CB radios,
two-cans-tied-to-a-string[3], telegraphs, and other forms
of communication so that other employees can contact them
whenever a Microsoft product crashes for the millionth
time.

"Microsoft products are just like little kids," said
another Blartner Group researcher.  "They require constant
monitoring and attention.  A cranky kid might destroy the
boss's favorite Ming vase... but a cranky Windows server
might destroy the boss's PowerPoint presentation he's
supposed to give in 3.2 minutes to a bunch of venture
capitalists wanting to invest billions.  A baby requires
new diapers to be installed all of the time... but a
Windows box requires new security patches to be installed
all of the time.  The similarities are striking."

He added, "...And just as immature kids need babysitters,
immature operating systems need babysitters.  That provides
job opportunities for thousands of computer science
graduates who got pushed through college even though they
can't tell a C program from a DOS batch file. Thank you,
Microsoft!"

According to the revised Blartner Group study, the release
of Windows XP will create at least 5,000 new jobs through
the tech sector.  

We here at Humorix would tend to agree... somewhat.  We
also expect the impending release of Windows XP to produce
5,000 new jobs. But they will be filled by Linux system
administrators hired by companies desperately trying to
flee the sinking ship known as Microsoft.

Or something like that.


[1] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/aug01/economy.shtml
[2]
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/sep00/no-windows.shtml
[3]
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/oct98/port-cans.shtml

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