[humorix] Ted Turner Unveils All-Commercial Channel

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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Ted Turner Unveils All-Commercial Channel
August 20, 2001

For years, the pundits have predicted that the Web would
become more like television.  However, media tycoon Ted
Turner is pursuing the exact opposite.  Taking a cue from
pop-under advertisements, Flash ads, get-rich-quick spam
emails, viral marketing, and "Gator" programs, Turner has
unveiled "TCC", the Turner Commercial Channel, for cable
and satellite TV.

TCC will feature "shows" like "Best Commercials That You've
Seen A Million Times", "Life Is A Slogan, Just Buy It", and
"Name That Jingle". These shows will occupy about 30% of
the screen, while several rows of marquees at the bottom
will flash various advertising messages. An animated "TCC"
watermark will float around the screen while corporate
logos are flashed randomly in the corners.  

Meanwhile, "pop-up ads" will randomly appear that obscure
the other ads.  These pop-ups will sometimes be further
obscured by meta-pop-ups. Likewise, corporate jingles will
play in the background, interfering with other jingles and
advertising sounds.

The real kicker, however, is that other Ted Turner channels
will randomly cause "enhanced" television sets to
automatically switch to TCC without warning.  This
"feature" will be accomplished by transmitting special
codes within the unused bandwidth of the channel.

"Hey, if people don't get upset by X10 pop-ups taking them
to another website, then why should they mind the same
behavior on TV?" Ted Turner said at a press conference. 
"With this feature, the Turner Commercial Channel will have
vastly inflated Nielsen ratings because millions of viewers
will watch it whether they want to or not... just like the
Internet."

Turner also pointed out that older model, "unenhanced" TVs
might suffer random crashes and shut-off as a result of the
"special codes" embedded in the signal.  He defended such
behavior, saying, "Hey, that's just like the Internet.  If
you've got an obsolete Pentium 90 trying to load some huge
Flash animation or Java applet, then of course it might
crash.  Why should television be any different?"

In response to the Turner announcement, Sorny Electronics
Inc. issued a press release touting its new "Crocodile"
microchip. This devices will automatically cover-up Turner
advertisements in real-time with Sorny advertisements. 
"Crocodile" will be included in Sorny VCRs, PVRs, set-top
boxes, and gaming consoles -- whether the user wants it or
not.  The microchip will be extremely hard to disable and
most people won't even know of its existence.

Industry pundits are somewhat pessimistic about the new
channel. "Sure, more intrusive advertising formats on the
Internet have been shown to be '40% more effective' than
traditional banners ads.  But that just means the
advertisers receive 40% more hate mail and bomb threats,"
said one pundit.  "Bomb threats usually doesn't translate
very well into sales."

Some industry analysts have also questioned whether people
will actually watch a channel devoted exclusively to
commercials. Turner responded, "We're going to pay
hospitals and doctors a stipend for tuning their waiting
room televisions to TCC for so many hours a day. That's a
captive audience.  After thumbing through all of the old
magazines, patients will have no choice but to watch this
new channel."

Ted Turner added, "Schools should also be interested. 
We'll provide free TVs and dishes if they'll show TCC in
classrooms each day. Schools have already sold their souls
to receive free Internet-ready computers in exchange for
captive eyeballs, so why not just extend it to television?"

According to Turner, the new channel should be available
within the next week on every cable and satellite provider
in North America. (These providers will all receive a nice
stipend for carrying the channel.) Versions of TCC in
Spanish, French, and German will be available worldwide by
the end of the year.

Steve Case, Rupert Murdoch, and Bill Gates were both
unavailable for comment at press time, although all three
of their spokespersons said essentially the same thing:
"Why didn't we think of this first?"

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