[humorix] Death Of The Economy Predicted. Bluescreen At 11.

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Death Of The Economy Predicted. Bluescreen At 11.
August 16, 2001

Earlier today, the Blartner Group announced that the world
economy had a 95% chance of collapsing as the direct result
of the release of Microsoft Windows XP.

"Microsoft's lawyers have been trying to argue in court
that any delays in releasing XP  could result in serious
harm for Microsoft -- and, we're led to believe, what's bad
for Microsoft is bad for the country," explained Ted
Blartner, founder of the Blartner Group.   "But the exact
opposite is true -- when XP is released, get ready to
receive your pink slip and head over to a soup line."

According to the Blartner Group's report, sales of computer
hardware will slump immediately after XP is released,
creating a domino effect that will topple the entire world
economy.

"Because of the licensing requirements in XP,  users won't
be able to make major hardware upgrades without first
acquiring another copy of Windows.  Your typical luser
isn't going to jump through Redmond hoops just so they can
install a new keyboard. As a result, hardware sales will
plummet."

It's not entirely clear how a drop in hardware sales will
somehow cause a global depression, but the Blartner Group
was quick to provide an explanation.  "It's simple.  Have
you heard of the famous Gijksovvan-Reston-Hrabik Theory of
Post-Industrial Chaotic-Dynamic Economic Systems?"

This reporter had to admit no, he hasn't heard of such a
thing.

Mr. Blartner responded, "Well, let me quote from my copy of
O'Reilly's 'Post-Industrial Economic Theories In A
Nutshell' (the book with a duck and a mad scientist on the
cover)."

Before I could stop him, Ted Blartner started rambling,
"Let's say DRAM sales drop 50%.  Memory chips contain gold
contacts, so this will effectively reduce the demand for
gold. As a result, gold prices drop 0.00001%.  Those
billionaires who converted all of their assets to gold bars
in fear of Y2K or another calamity will suddenly lose
money.  They will cut back their spending on limousines and
sports cars.  Luxury car manufacturers will notice the blip
-- instead of making $500 million in quarterly profits,
they might make $499.99 million -- and suddenly they will
lay off a bunch of assembly-line workers.  These workers
will spend less on non-essential items, such as jewelry. 
As a result, the demand for gold decreases again.  Those
aforementioned billionaires lose money, eventually becoming
mere millionaires, and the vicious cycle continues
viciously until gold is worth the same as a copy of
'Microsoft Bob' (i.e. nothing). Final result: the world
economy collapses."

I still wasn't quite convinced.  I contacted an industry
pundit to get a second opinion.

He said, "What's Mr. Blartner been smoking this week? No,
his scenario won't happen.  Users will be able to purchase
new or upgraded hardware directly from Microsoft without
infringing on XP's anti-piracy code.  So, sales of hardware
will remain unchanged and Blartner's doom-and-gloom
prediction won't hold.  Bill Gates will rake in more money
and purchase additional luxury cars and jewelry.  As a
result, the demand for gold increases and the global
economy continues to chug along..."

"Unless, of course," he added, "you happen to work for a
company that competes with Microsoft in hardware or
software.  In that case, get ready to receive your pink
slip and head over to a soup line."

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