[humorix] Linux Distro To Include Pre-Installed Security Holes

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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Linux Distro To Include Pre-Installed Security Holes
August 15, 2001

Proactive Synergy Paradigm, the Linux distro targeted at
Pointy Haired Bosses[1], will now include built-in security
flaws to better compete with Microsoft programs.  

"The sheer popularity of Windows, Outlook, and IIS clearly
shows that people demand security holes large enough to
drive a truck through," said Mr. Bert Dill, the chief
marketing directory at P.S.P. Inc. "We're going to do our
best to offer what the consumer wants. Just as Microsoft
stole ideas from Apple during the 1980's, we're stealing
ideas from Microsoft today."

Future releases of Proactive Synergy Linux will feature
"LookOut! 1.0", a mail reader that automatically executes
(with root privileges) e-mail attachments coded in Perl,
JavaScript, shell script, Python, and Visual Basic.

"Hey, if it works for Microsoft, it can work for us,"
boasted Mr. Dill.  "Now PHBs won't have to stick with
Windows in order to have their confidential files secretly
emailed to their colleagues by a worm.  Better yet, this
capability allows viruses to automagically delete
unnecessary files to save disk space without wasting the
PHB's valuable attention span."

Proactive Linux will also include "Unlocked Door 2.0", a
web server that includes support for "telnet-over-http". 
The default installation allows users to issue commands
(with root privileges, of course) remotely from their web
browser by typing in an URL like this:

   http://domain.com/bin/bash?command+to+execute
   
or even:

   http://domain.com/sbin/shutdown?-h+now
   
(A web-based form interface is also provided for those PHBs
who don't feel comfortable with a command-line interface --
i.e., all of them.)

"The advantage here is that users can issue commands
without fumbling with usernames or passwords or other
annoyances," said Mr. Dill.  "Our focus group research
indicates that PHBs simply don't have time to worry about
permissions -- they want to issue a command _right now_
without getting an 'Access Denied' message.  Unlocked Door
provides the solution."

He added, "Let's see Microsoft compete with that!  With
Windows, the only way to achieve telnet-over-http is to
install a virus or worm.  What a hassle!"

Proactive Synergy also includes "peer-to-peer backup
software". By default, an FTP daemon is installed with read
and write access to every file on the system.  This
eliminates the need for expensive tape backups, RAID
systems, and CD burners -- everything on the server will be
mirrored by the larger Internet.

The next version of Proactive Linux should hit store
shelves next month for the retail price of $1,000. 
Explained Bert Dill, "This will appeal to those PHBs that
only buy expensive software from large stores. Of course,
everything in this distro is free software.  But hey, what
they don't know can't hurt them, right?"

In related news, Red Hat has announced a marketing strategy
that takes a completely different approach.  Starting this
fall, the company will distribute versions of its distro in
shrinkwrapped boxes under the name "Red Hat Anti-Virus".  

"Linux is the ultimate piece of anti-virus software," said
a Red Hat spokesperson.  "So why not put it on the market
as such?"

A programmer at Symantec was quote as saying, "Dammit, why
didn't we think of that?"


[1]
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/oct98/proactive.shtml

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