[humorix] Ask Humorix: I Need A Job!

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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Ask Humorix: I Need A Job!
August 12, 2001

Former Millionaire writes, "I can't stand this much
longer.  In the last three years, I've been hired by 51
different dotcoms that have all gone bust within a matter
of weeks.  I have enough pink slips to line the drawers in
my kitchen several times over.  Please answer this
question: Where can I find a good tech job with a company
that won't go bankrupt by next week?"

The Humorix Oracle responds:

Dear Former Millionaire,

People may not realize this, but thousands of successful
businesses are in desperate need of competent system
administrators.  You just need to know where to look.

Here's what you should do:

1. Find an exploit in Microsoft IIS or another buggy
   Microsoft product to which large corporations rarely
   apply security patches.

2. Create a virus or worm that takes advantage of this
   exploit and then propogates itself by selecting IP
   numbers at random and then trying to infect those
   machines.

3. Keep an eye on your own website's server logs.  When
   your virus starts propogating, your server will be hit
   with thousands of attacks from other infected systems
   trying to spread the virus to your machine.

4. Make a list of the IP numbers of all of the infected
   machines.

5. Perform a reverse DNS lookup on these IP numbers.

6. Make a note of all of the Fortune 500 companies that
   appear on the list of infected domains.

7. Send your resume to these companies and request an
   interview for a system administrator position.  These
   companies are hiring -- whether they realize it or not.

8. Use your new salary to hire a good defense lawyer when
   the FBI comes knocking.

It's just that simple!

You owe the Oracle a copy of Microsoft Windows 2000 that
doesn't contain any buffer overflow exploits.

---------------------------------

WARNING FROM OUR LEGAL DEPARTMENT

Humorix World Domination(tm), the Humorix Vast Spy
Network(tm), and the law firm of Lowe, Morals, and
Scruples(tm) does _NOT_ condone or endorse the creation of
malicious viruses, worms, or Trojan horses, even for the
purpose of destroying Microsoft's reputation.

The US federal government is already powerful enough as it
is without yet another excuse to pass more draconian
legislation aimed at fighting "hackers", "virus creators",
"pirates", and  "leaders of the open-source movement".  

Besides, Microsoft software is quite good at crashing on
its own without the help of "Code Red" or other viruses. 

Thank you for your attention,

Mr. Noah Morals, Esq.
Lowe, Morals, and Scruples Law Firm

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