[humorix] Music Industry Discovers Perfect Anti-Piracy Scheme

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
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take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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Music Industry Discovers Perfect Anti-Piracy Scheme
July 19, 2001

CALIFORNIA -- Get ready for a deluge of CRAP (Copyright
Regime Against Piracy). At a press conference held earlier
today, the RIAA and various other Big Evil Trade
Associations hyped this new acronym as the ultimate
solution for ending copyright infringement.

"Lawsuits and restrictive software can only go so far.  But
with CRAP, we can boldly embrace the Internet revolution
while still padding our wallets with enought megabucks to
buy that fifth luxury mansion we so desperately need."

Mr. Sim O. Leons, a spokesperson for the RIAA, explained,
"Under recently deployed technology, if an evil pirate
duplicates a protected CD, the resulting copy will contain
a bunch of annoying hisses and noises. Buy stop there? 
Under the CRAP(tm) regime, the _original_ CD will contain
so many annoying hisses and noises that would-be pirates
won't even bother trying to copy it.  Now that's a
solution."

And that's not all.  "We've signed record deals with a
bunch of upcoming stars to produce songs so CRAPpy, so
horrible, so awful, and so gut-wrenching, that nobody will
ever want to copy one of their CDs in the first place.
Piracy will suddenly halt!"

But what if consumers don't want to listen to these new
songs?  Mr. Leons has the answer: "They won't have any
choice.  By 2005, every single new song will be produced
under the CRAP system.  Meanwhile, all music stores will be
required by 2003 to destroy every CD in stock that doesn't
conform to the CRAP system.  Consumers are going to enjoy
this new business model, dammit!"

Microsoft doesn't seem too thrilled about the new music
regime, however. Said a spokesperson, "We've been trying
this idea since 1984 and it simply doesn't work.  Even
though Windows contains code designed to make it crash at
random, that still hasn't stopped pirates from making
illegal copies of it."

The spokesman added, "A far better solution is to require
retinal scans, DNA samples, and criminal background checks
before any person can install Windows on their machine. 
Each Certificate of Authenticity would then contain a GPS
device so that our fleet of satellites can track every
installation of Windows during every second of every day.
Now that's the ultimate solution for stopping the epidemic
of evil pirates."
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