[humorix] Class-Action Lawsuit Filed Against Linus Torvalds

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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Class-Action Lawsuit Filed Against Linus Torvalds
June 21, 2001

SILLYCON VALLEY -- Nearly 130 former system administrators
have filed suit against Linus Torvalds in which they claim
Linux cost them their jobs.  Recently several companies
migrated from Windows to Linux, increasing their
productivity but decreasing the need for a large staff of
tech workers, prompting a wave of layoffs.

"The good old days when it required five full-time system
administrators to maintain a Microsoft Exchange server are
history, all because of that cancer known as Linux,"
explained Mr. Biggley Winer, the lead litigant in the
lawsuit.

"It all started two years ago when some pimply-faced idiot
down in Accounting decided to smuggle in a Linux box to
automate some of his work," Mr. Winer continued.  "Before
long every tech-savvy person in Accounting, Billing, and
Sales was secretly using Linux. Before long the CEO -- who
had just lost a major contract because his PowerPoint
presentation crashed during a major presentation -- became
fed up with Microsoft products and decided to migrate most
systems to Linux."

"That's when the troubles started.  Productivity soared. 
Downtime was limited to an average of three milliseconds
per day.  Macro viruses ceased to spread.  It was
horrible!  The entire IT staff was replaced by one
part-time bearded wonder, who was able to administrate the
entire Linux network!  Due to the layoffs, I'm now sitting
in a homeless shelter with little hope to find work. 
Nobody wants to hire an MCSE anymore!"

Mr. Winer then concluded his tale by saying, "This sordid
mess is all the fault of Linus Torvalds.  He's going to pay
for this!"

Other class-action members told similar stories.  Said one,
"Companies are saving millions of dollars because of Linux,
money that is being pocketed by high-priced, evil CEOs
instead of going to deserving system administrators.  This
injustice must end! Crappy Microsoft software for
everyone!"

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) has received word that the
million monkeys within the Microsoft Marketing Department
are planning to use the lawsuit as the basis for a new
advertising campaign.  They are producing ads which ask,
"Could you get fired for letting your boss choose Linux? 
Stop this cancer now before it makes your job obsolete! 
Won't somebody please think of the children of system
administrators who might lose their jobs because of the
evil Linus Torvalds bent on world domination?"

Linus Torvalds was unavailable for comment at press time as
usual.

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