[humorix] Lawyerclysm? Hah! [long]

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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Lawyerclysm?  Hah!
Noah Morals, Official Humorix Lawyer
June 12, 2001

Jon Splatz is a big fat idiot.  He has rambled incessantly
during the past years about the so-called "Lawyerclysm" in
which the legal system runs amok and civiliation
collapses.  What a crock.

If anything, we are rapidly hurtling to something far more
sinister: the "Monopoclysm", in which Big Evil Corporations
monopolize all aspects of society.  I've seen the future
and it's patent pending.

I had this horrible, terrible dream the other night. I
remember every detail perfectly...

---

It's 7:00 AM, the first day of the Month of Disney, 2028.
My alarm clock utters a loud buzzing sound.  This noise, I
realize as I regain consciousness, is copyrighted by Disney
and thus three mickeys have already been deducted from my
credit account to pay the Disney royalties.  Like I do
every morning, I consider reconfiguring my alarm clock to
instead play a more pleasing noise, but then I realize
those sounds -- copyrighted by AOL-TW-CBS -- have a heftier
price tag, ten mickeys per play.

As I stagger over to the shower cubicle I remind myself
that three mickeys is a reasonable price to pay to enjoy
the intellectual property produced by the world's finest
company. I could rest assured knowing that my money was
helping to pay the wages of some anonymous guy in Taiwan
who labored over a hot computer terminal to produce a sound
with just the right pitch and frequency guaranteed to
awaken me from a deep sleep instantly.

I also remind myself of the Bad Old Days when piracy was
rampant and corporations lost millions per hour to fools
who stole their intellectual property with no sense of
guilt whatsoever.  So what if the quaint, nearly archaic
legal concepts of "public domain" and "fair use" had been
abolished with the 34th Amendment; the current arrangement
was simple, fair, and guaranteed that the children of
corporate God-Kings (formerly CEOs) could attain the
American dream and buy that fifth luxury car they desire.

Ah, but it was too early in the morning to dwell on ethical
issues!  After showering, I decide to put on a certain
outfit made from poly-meta-asfertinate-fibers that looks
really sharp, even though the material is patented by
Dow-Exxon Chemical and I would have to pay 50 mickeys for
patent royalty rights for the day.  But then I had received
the outfit for free when I agreed to allow AOL-TW-CBS to
put cameras in my apartment so they could collect marketing
information they so desperately needed to conduct efficient
business and better serve their valued customers.  So I
figure the small royalty payments every now and then aren't
a big deal.

While eating breakfast I sit mesmerized watching the
advertisements projected on the back of the cereal box. 
Meanwhile, corporate logos dance around my apartment walls,
produced by a movie projector which I was required to leave
on as part of my lease agreement (not that it mattered, the
projector didn't have an "off" switch).

I notice the Ford-Chevy logo and realize I hadn't changed
the oil in my groundcar in over 3 weeks!  I've heard some
fools say that motor oil can last for 3,000 miles, but I
don't believe it. The Mr. Ford Chevy spokesman on TV says
oil only lasts 100 miles and anything more can cause your
engine to blow up.  If you can't believe a paid spokesman
on TV, who can you believe?

A few minutes later my doorbell rings.  The visitor
announces that he is collecting donations for the God-Queen
of AT&T&MCI.  The God-Queen's mother had unexpectedly
contracted  Johnson's Disease (sponsored by Wal-K-Mart) and
desperately needed financial support to put her in
cryogenic suspension until a cure could be discovered in
the future. 

I'm a softie at heart.  I couldn't help but feel sorry for
the overworked God-Queen and her ailing mother and so I
purchased 2,000 minutes of airtime from AT&T&MCI knowing
that part of my money would go to a worthy cause.  I also
knew that I needed to perform a certain number of good
deeds to get into the Land Of Infinite Material Wealth when
I died; this act would put me one check mark closer to that
goal -- and I could save up to 53% on my long distance
calls!

I wouldn't be able to take advantage of those 2,000 minutes
just yet; I needed to be at work by 9:00 AM.  I grab my
briefcase and set off for the United-Delta-Southwest
Airlines Skyscraper in my Ford-Chevy Gasguzzler groundcar.
My car's radio comes to life (it doesn't have an off switch
or a mute button) and announces the latest headlines from
AOL-TW-CBS Headline Pravda News.

"...State of Missouri sells naming rights.  In exchange for
100 billion mickeys down payment and 20 billion per year,
the state will henceforth be called Microsoftia..."

"...Earlier today a New York account executive was arrested
for revealing an account or description of a Yankees
baseball game without the prior written permission of Major
League Baseball. The man has been turned over to MLB's
parent company, Nike Sports Monopoly, for sentencing at the
Nike SuperMax Prison in Albany..."

"...Smugglers were arrested at the Canadian border by
Microsoft-FBI for attempting to import copies of banned
'Linux' software.  Such contraband is prohibited by the
35th Amendment because it infringes on the inalienable
right of Microsoft to make money.  Said one MS-FBI
prosecutor, 'This is just the latest salvo against
Capitalism by the corporate terrorists in Finland.  We must
put an end to these atrocities which irreperably harm
Microsoft employees, stockholders, customers, and
ultimately the entire world...'"

At 8:52 AM I arrive at the skyscraper, park my groundcar,
and enter into the lobby. As I ride the elevator to the
251st floor, I read the inscription above the door for the
millionth time: "The 35th Amendment to the US
Constitution:  Congress shall pass no law infringing on the
right of businesses to earn a profit.  The 36th Amendment
to the US Constitution: The preceeding Amendment also
applies to all government bodies, not just Congress.  Sorry
but we made a mistake. It won't happen again."

Aw, the 35th Amendment, that great bastion of modern
Capitalism. I think back to the Bad Old Days of the 1990s,
when I was a trial lawyer who specialized in class-action
lawsuits.  How things have changed since then!  Legal
scholars all agreed that the courts could not rule against
a corporation under any circumstances because that would
interfere with their fundamental right to make money.  The
legal profession disappeared overnight.  I have no regrets,
however, because I switched to a career as Advertising
Manager #162062 for United-Delta-Southwest, making far more
mickeys than I ever did, and now I have a clean moral
conscience.

Well, actually I don't make quite as much money.  Half of
my salary is paid in United-Delta-Southwest frequent-flyer
miles along with company scrip redeemable only at the
company gift store. But the other half is paid in
honest-to-goodness mickeys, backed by the Disney/Federal
Reserve Monopoly.  Ever since 2012, when Disney acquired
the Fed and made Alan Greenspan the God-King of Disney, the
mickey has been the most stable and valuable currency in
the world.  It's much better than those worthless dollars
the old Federal Reserve printed.  Heck, for a small fee you
can request that Disney print your currency with a custom
portrait and design!  (But don't try to counterfeit a
mickey because that would be a violation of Disney's
copyright and you will receive a long sentence of hard
labor in the dungeons underneath Disney World.)

Best of all, though, is that I no longer have to pay taxes.
A coalition of God-Kings convinced Congress -- or what was
left of it -- to abolish all taxes because they reduce the
amount of money that people can spend on instant
gratification and material wealth.  Every mickey a person
pays in taxes is a mickey they could have spent on tithes
to their favorite corporations!  So while my salary is less
than before, the elimination of taxes means my standard of
living is much higher than ever. Ah, but why am I dwelling
on the past?  I have advertising campaigns to create and
public relations strategies to execute!

But after entering my office, I quickly realize I have made
a terrible mistake.  I must have looked at my calendar
wrong; today is not Disney 1st, it's Nabisco 31st, the
first day of the Feast Of Adam Smith.  Today is a national
holiday!  I have the day off from work, but I'm supposed to
attend services at the altar-vault in my neighborhood First
Church-Bank Of St. Avarice!  

I figure that if I take a short-cut across the Oracle
Tollway and bypass the Nursing Home for  Renegade
Socialists, I might be able to reach St. Avarice in time
for the first reading from "The Road Ahead" by His Majesty,
Bill Gates 1.0.  

But traffic was heavy.  Agents from Merck-Bayer-FDA had
erected a checkpoint looking for people smuggling drugs
into the city. It's okay to smoke Marijuanacaine(R), but
it's not okay to sell it without first paying patent
royalties to Merck.  An awful lot of people on the fringe
of society like to distribute Marijuanacaine(R) and
Methaheroine(R) without patent licenses because there's so
much money at stake.  But it's a crime punishable by a one
year sentence as a Merck research subject and guinea pig.

When I reach the checkpoint, the Merck agent punches in my
ICSN [International Customer Serial Number] and my personal
information appears on the flat-screen 128 inch SonyTrust
monitor behind her.  It shows my bank account balance, my
police record (a misdemeanor copyright violation when I was
much younger), my 1024-digit LBHC (Lifetime Buying Habits
Code), my condensed DNA sequence, my credit history, and my
IER (Incriminating Evidence Record).

The Merck agent compares my fingerprint, retinal scan,
voice pattern, and DNA sequence to the ICSN Database and
then, satisfied, waves me on through.  I travel at top
speed and arrive at St. Avarice only a few minutes late for
the sermon.

Upon entering the church-bank I pay the teller the
copyright royalty fees for the right to listen to the
sermon (written by the Disney God-King), to listen to the
hymnals (composed by the RIAA), to look at the paintings
and stained glass adorning the altar-vault (crafted by
Crayola), and to sit on the post-post-modern-style  benches
(patented by Holy Furniture Monopoly).  As I sit down, the
Head Cashier delivers a passage from "The Wealth Of
Nations".

The hour-long service (sponsored by Microsoft) consists of
a sermon entitled "Thrift Is The First Deadly Sin" and then
an advertisement encouraging church-bank members to take a
"vow of extravagance" and join the St. Avarice Monastery.
Afterwards, everybody walks to the front of the altar-vault
and contributes the customary tithe.  

Just as I'm handing over a wadful of mickeys, I feel a
slight discomfort in my chest.  The pain spreads... And
then I realize with a sudden sense of raw terror that I had
failed to pay the patent renewel fee for my Pacemaker(R)! 
But Merck-Bayer-FDA should have deducted the pacemaker
intellectual property fees from my account automatically! 
Maybe they had made a clerical mistake. But the corporation
is always right!

Why aren't any of the tellers and cashiers helping me? 
Oh... and then it hits me.  Everybody in the church-bank
knows my bank account balance, and they all know it isn't
sufficient to cover the ghastly patent royalty fees for
major surgery.  Somebody has to pay for the rights to all
of those surgical instruments... 

But it wasn't going to be me.  My life flashes before my
eyes.   Did I collect enough points to earn my place in the
Land of Infinite Wealth?  I was... going... to... find...
out... soon... e... nough...

-
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