[humorix] Bill Gates Sends Out Desperate Plea For Help

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
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Bill Gates Sends Out Desperate Plea For Help
May 28, 2001

REDMOND -- In a shocking development, Chief Bloatware
Architect Bill Gates admitted today that Microsoft is in
severe financial difficulty and desperately needs donations
to stay afloat through the next month.

"The dismal state of the economy, the lackluster sales of
Windows ME, and the pending anti-trust lawsuit have placed
significant financial stress on Microsoft," Gates said at a
press conference. "We can't continue to develop and
maintain our innovative solutions without financial
contributions from users like you."

The company spent the remaining $10,000 in its coffers to
send out letters to registered Windows users pleading for
donations.

"For just pennies a day, you can help support the world's
most innovative company in its quest to discover the cure
for the Blue Screen of Death," the letter announces. "Or
you can help fund research and development into improving
the security of our products against such sinister forces
as script kiddies, crackers, and Linux freaks."

According to the letter, donors who give more than $20 will
receive a free subscription to Microsoft Magazine.  Those
who give more than $100 will receive a limited edition
"Clippit" plush doll. The reward for a $10,000 donation is
your name engraved on a block of gold that will be used to
pave One Microsoft Way.  And finally, for those fools who
donate more than $75,000, Microsoft will name a product
after you.  (Sorry, but "Bob" is already taken.)

In the last month, Microsoft has already laid off half of
its technical support staff. However, industry observers
don't expect that to have much impact on customer
relations. "Microsoft will still have the same lousy
service and busy signals as usual even with a reduction in
staff," said one pundit.

The company has also asked MSN users to cut back on their
hours online.  "Please try to conserve the amount of time
you spend online," said one Microsoft spokesperson who has
worked the past two weeks without pay.  "If you could
refrain from downloading any large porn images for the next
month, that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for
your support."

Bill Gates warned that if finances don't improve soon, the
company will be forced to lay off even more people and to
cease development on many software programs.   Several
buildings on the Microsoft campus would then be leased to
Starbucks and Wal-Mart to raise some quick cash.

"We can't go on like this," Gates pleaded.  "Won't somebody
please think of the children of Microsoft employees?"

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