[humorix] Windows XP Guided Tour

[James Baughn <humorix@i-want-a-website.com>]

----
Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
----

Windows XP Guided Tour
April 21, 2001

When trying to achieve world domination, it's a good idea
to know your enemy.  That's why we dispatched our Vast
Research Labs Of Doom to snatch the latest build of Windows
XP (eXceptionally Pathetic) and see just how much of a
threat it might pose to Linux.

As you might imagine, our researchers rebelled at the idea
of installing  a Microsoft product on their computers. We
were finally able to convince them that sacrificing one of
their computers was necessary for the noble purpose of
writing yet another fake news article poking fun at
Microsoft.

* Installation

We feel that it would be prudent if we did not go into the
details of our installation nightmare, for it might
unnecessarily frighten young children -- or, for that
matter, anybody.  Let's just say that Humorix is going to
be paying large therapy bills for our technicians who
suffered through the Windows XP Installation From Hell.

* So what does the Blue Screen look like?

Naturally, as soon as we finally installing Windows XP, we
wanted to know what improvements, if any, had been made to
the Blue Screen of Death. Unfortunately for us Linux
zealots, it seems Windows XP is much more difficult to
crash, which could prove a major setback for convincing
people to upgrade to Linux.  However, our crack team of
researchers was still able to discover a method of crashing
the system within 10 minutes, and we were on our way.

Microsoft has replaced the standard bluescreen with a new
"Crash Wizard":

[.PNG screenshot converted into ASCII art]
--------------------------------------------------

   Computer Reboot And Startup Heuristic

   NETSCAPE.EXE caused a fatal exception
   0E at memory address: 645A:74C9.
   All unsaved work will be lost.

   The Crash Wizard will now guide you 
   through the rest of the rebooting process.

   -> Click here to return to the Classic
   Blue Screen Of Death error message.

--------------------------------------------------

Since the Bluescreen was one of the most commonly used
portions of the Windows 9x user interface, Microsoft has
left in legacy support for the "Classic" bluescreen to ease
the transition to the new XP Crash Wizard.

* Redmond: The Next Police State

According to some of the more vocal conspiracy theorists
within Humorix, Microsoft is laying the foundation for a
New World Order with Windows XP.  

MS-DOS existed in a state of anarchy, in which any old
software program had exclusive access to any old memory
location or any old CPU instruction or any old device
driver.   The first version of Windows just increased the
anarchy by making it possible to execute more than one
program at a time.

Windows XP, on the other hand, is anything but an anarchy. 
Microsoft now maintains a list of "signed" (approved)
device drivers, much in the same way that totalitarian
governments maintain a list of "approved" newspapers. 
Windows XP treats users as "guilty pirates until proven
guilty pirates" with its new anti-MP3 "features".  

Just look at what happens if you try to install a software
package from a Microsoft competitor:

--------------------------------------------------

   You are attempting to install "Netscape",
   a program that does not appear on the
   Microsoft Official Approved Software List.  

   Are you sure you wish to proceed?

   No               No                 No

--------------------------------------------------

You don't even want to know what happens if you try to play
an unsigned MP3.

* It BASICally Sucks

Older versions of MS-DOS came with bundled programming
languages including GW-BASIC and QBasic.  Windows XP
continues the Microsoft tradition of ruining budding
programmers with horrible programming tools by including
XPBasic, an interpreted language in which all of the
customary BASIC keywords have been replaced with
advertising slogans.

Nike has paid a handsome amount to Microsoft for "keyword
rights". Instead of saying PRINT "HELLO WORLD", XPBasic
programmers must now type JUST DO IT "HELLO WORLD".  Other
common XPBasic statements include WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GOTO
20 TODAY? and  DIM ARRAY(1 TO 20) AS INTEGER BROUGHT TO YOU
BY VERIZON WIRELESS.

* Internet Explorer : Windows XP :: Emacs : Unix.

The Mac OS isn't the only operating system that Microsoft
is stealing ^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hborrowing from.  Unix has also
become an target for imitation.  In particular, Microsoft's
programmers have adopted the Emacs mindset, in which a
single, bloated application program contains everything,
including the kitchen sink. In Windows XP, that bloated,
all-encompassing application is Internet Explorer.  

Of course, in Windows 98, Microsoft tied IE to the
operating system. But now the Web browser _is_ the
operating system.  For instance, almost every
user-interface widget is now controlled by JavaScript (er,
VBScript), Java (er, The Language Microsoft Refuses To Call
Java), and Flash applets.  Pop-up advertisements are bad
enough on porn websites, but what about pop-up
advertisements as you try to use the Control Panel?
Meanwhile, the old "Bad command or file name" error has
been replaced with a generic "404 Error".

* Luna[tic]

Bob lives.  The whole Windows XP user-interface (code-named
Luna, because only Lunatics will enjoy it) looks like it
comes from the unreleased sequel to Microsoft Bob.
Everything is labeled with "My": My Computer, My Documents,
My Pirated Music, My Configuration, My Briefcase, My
Network Places, My Ass, and My Personal Information
Available To Everyone On The Web.

Everything has been dumbed-down into a series of Wizards
and menus:

--------------------------------------------------

   Internet Wizard

   Where do you want to go today?

   -> Microsoft.com

   -> Bill Gates Fan Club

   -> Microsoft Network 

   -> Windows Update

   -> Committee for the Moral
      Defense of Microsoft

   -> Microsoft Tech Support

   -> Microsoft's Online Store

   -> Microsoft Bug Reporting Service

--------------------------------------------------

If what you want to do isn't pre-programmed into a Wizard,
however, you're out of luck.  Microsoft recently patented
Two-Hundred-Click Shopping(R), a Windows XP feature that
requires the user to click through 200 different menus in
order to point Internet Explorer at a non-Microsoft
e-commerce site.

* Conclusion

After reviewing Windows XP, we at Humorix can safely agree
with Microsoft's Marketing Department.  Windows XP really
is the best operating system.

...for throwing in the bottom of the ocean.

We'll stick with Linux, thank you very much.


................................................................
To unsubscribe (but why would you want to do that?) send a message
to majordomo@humbolt.nl.linux.org with the command 
"unsubscribe humorix" in the body.
-
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/