[humorix] Microsoft Ports Wine To Windows

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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Microsoft Ports Wine To Windows
Bernhard Rosenkraenzer, bero@redhat.de
February 23, 2001

REDMOND, WA -- Microsoft announced today that, after a
month of intense development, it had successfully ported
Wine to the Windows 9x operating system.  Microsoft(R)(tm)
Wine(R)(tm) for(R)(tm) Windows(R)(tm) is a closed-source
fork of the Wine project (an open source Windows emulator).
It consists of a standalone .exe file that uses less than 2
kB of diskspace.

Steven P. Ammer, Microsoft Marketing and PR Manager,
explained during a press conference:

"Microsoft(R)(tm) Wine(R)(tm) for(R)(tm) Windows(R)(tm) was
implemented to prove that Windows is ultimately more
efficient than Linux and other Communist^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H
open source systems. We guarantee that Microsoft Wine for
Windows can run all Windows applications perfectly...
something the Linux/*BSD versions of Wine aren't even close
to accomplishing (and never will, once we unveil the many
new innovative APIs in Windows XP that aren't
backwards-compatible)."

He added, "Similarily, Wine for Windows ultimately
demonstrates the vast superiority of the Win32 API, which
allows us to produce more efficient code.  We're pleased to
announce that WinWine reduces 5 megabytes of obsolete UNIX
calls and related bloatware into a nice, sleek 2 kilobyte
exectuable."

[Editor's Note: What Mr. Ammer fails to mention is the 25
megabytes of help files, dancing paperclip animations,
wizards, and license agreements that are bundled with
WinWine.]   

Asked by reporters on whether Microsoft intends to
embrace-and-extinguish other open source programs, Ammer
replied, "Microsoft has the world's largest concentration
of talented programmers, marketing geniuses, and crafty
lawyers.  Of course we could!  But why bother? We chose
Wine simply as a proof of concept of why the GPL license is
evil.  If Wine wasn't available under a BSD-style license,
we wouldn't have been able to innovate a Windows port. 
Nevertheless, we don't intend to port any other open source
applications, since all of them are clearly inferior to
Microsoft's own solutions."

Mindcraft, the Gartner Group, and several Ziff-Davis
pundits immediately issued advisories and statements
entitled "More Proof Linux Sucks", "Microsoft Beats Linux
Again", and "Could You Get Fired For Trying To Compete
Against Microsoft?" Microsoft stock rose 150% in heavy
trading before collapsing  after rumors leaked that Bill
Gates had unsuccessfully tried to "lobby" Bill Clinton into
pardoning Microsoft for anti-trust violations.
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