[humorix] New Linux for Corporations

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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New Linux for Corporations
February 6, 2001
Geoff Lane, zzassgl@twirl.mcc.ac.uk

In an attempt to increase the use of Linux within 
<STRIKE>Big Evil Companies</STRIKE> corporations, I am
pleased to announce a new service <STRIKE>that will no
doubt be very appealing to the kind of people who like this
kind of thing</STRIKE>.

As of next Thursday, ClosedOpenSource.com, will be open for
business <STRIKE>but only with those companies who's Dun &
Bradstreet credit rating is suitably impressive of
course.</STRIKE>

What is ClosedOpenSource.com? Well, over the course of 
several months we've noticed through extensive monitoring
of information sources (well actually, we accessed Google a
couple of times) that one of the major obstacles that
prevents the widespread adoption of Linux in the enterprise
is... well, its open nature. The fear is that the
availability of the source to the operating system in some
manner enables hackers to more easily access sensitive
services provided by the larger, more
<STRIKE>self-important</STRIKE> responsible companies.

It is the intention of ClosedOpenSource.com to provide the
kind of closed source operating system services that
companies who normally deal with Microsoft have come to
know and enjoy.  Initially, the following services are
offered:

1. A closed source version of Linux, ClosedLinux(tm).  This
   will be identical to Linux from any other source with
   the following exceptions a) Some or all of it will be
   different, b) there may or may not be any security
   problems within the operating system, c) it may or may
   not make use of network protocols that are ever so
   slightly different to those used by everybody else, d)
   it may or may not be backwards or forwards compatible
   with any other version of   ClosedLinux(tm) that we may
   offer in the future.

   ClosedLinux(tm) will be available at a
   <STRIKE>massive</STRIKE> discount to selected, valued
   customers.

2. Non-disclosure Agreements (NDAs).  We at
   ClosedOpenSource.com realize that it is important for
   the modern business man or woman to think that they know
   something that others don't.  Obviously this is almost
   impossible with open source operating systems and
   applications.  To solve this difficulty,
   ClosedOpenSource.com will be offering, at very
   reasonable prices, a full range of NDAs on a number of
   topics.  We at ClosedOpenSource.com will
   <STRIKE>promise</STRIKE> <STRIKE>guarantee</STRIKE>
   pledge that each NDA will be unique.

   For an additional fee we also offer MetaNDA(tm), a new
   concept in the NDA world that will boost your profile
   within any company.  A MetaNDA(tm) is a NDA under which
   we will tell you which other people in your company have
   signed NDAs with us.

   Of course, all NDAs issued by ClosedOpenSource.com are
   covered by a NDA (this service is free.)

3. Poor support services.  It's widely recognised that one
   of the advantages with closed source software is the
   expensive and truly appalling support that most
   customers receive.  To ensure that we at
   ClosedOpenSource.com live up to this reputation we will
   supply a <STRIKE>Answer-Phone</STRIKE>telephone call
   center to which incidents may be reported at a (prepaid,
   minimum number of ten incidents per year) cost of only
   US$100 an incident.

   We regret that, in accordance with the DMCA, all
   information supplied when reporting an incident becomes
   ClosedOpenSource.com company confidential. 
   <STRIKE>If</STRIKE> When supplied, answers to an
   incident will be covered by a NDA (for which we will
   change a small fee.)

4. Unfortunately timed product withdrawals.  A perceived
   problem with open source products is that they just will
   not go away.  Once an open source application has been
   released it just keeps on getting improved.  Obviously
   this can reach a stage where the product is almost
   perfect, lacking bugs but not lacking any necessary
   features.  Should this unfortunate state of affairs be
   allowed, you may find yourself down-sized...  after all,
   who needs a software support organization if the
   software doesn't need support?

   To ensure that ClosedLinux(tm) never reaches this
   terrible condition, we at ClosedOpenSource.com will
   withdraw each ClosedLinux(tm) release at the most
   unfortunate time possible for your and your company and
   replace it with a new release of ClosedLinux(tm) which
   will have an undisclosed number of changes and problems.
   <STRIKE>John, Can we sell the fools the change log under
   NDA?</STRIKE>

5. Documentation.  We fully expect that any demand for
   documentation for our ClosedLinux(tm) will be covered by
   the full color sixteen page manual supplied free with
   every copy of ClosedLinux(tm) <STRIKE>John, if we use
   smaller type and take out the pictures can't we reduce
   that to twelve pages? Can we use "full color" if there
   are only two colors?  Check with legal.</STRIKE>

We at ClosedOpenSource.com hope that you will visit our web
site (www.MechanicallyRecoveredMeat.com best viewed with
Mosaic) soon and sign-up for one or more of our services.

<FONT FACE="Flyspeck 3">ClosedOpenSource.com reserves the
right to keep any of your money that we may obtain and to
change products and services  without notice.
<STRIKE>Contents may settle during storage and give the
appearance of a partially filled box.</STRIKE></FONT>

John, can you make sure that the indicated changes are made
before this goes out? And also check something out with
legal -- one of the bearded wonders down in the basement
was screaming about someone called JMS and something he
called a Grue. He said we would be in deep shit if we tried
to sell ClosedLinux(tm), Thanks.

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