[humorix] Geek Temptation Island

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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Geek Temptation Island
January 28, 2001

BRYANT DUMBBELL: Hello everyone, and welcome to Humorixia,
the site of Geek Temptation Island 1.0, that glorious ASCII
reality show pitting geek against geek, nerd against nerd,
unemployed dotcommer against unemployed dotcommer.  I'm
Bryant Dumbbell...

JOHN SPLADDEN: And I'm John Spladden.  While all the
sports-crazed jocks of the world are watching the
Neanderthal Super Bowl, we here at G.S.P.N. (Geek SPorts
Network) will be covering the live temptation-by-temptation
action from here in a remote corner of the island nation of
Humorixia.

DUMBBELL: That's right, John.  Unfortunately, the Annual
Nerdbowl, which we featured at this time last year, was
canceled because no Linux or dotcom company could afford to
field their own team anymore.  Instead, we're bringing you
Geek Temptation Island, in which Linux geeks are tempted by
the Dark Side -- computers running Windows and AOL.

SPLADDEN: Will the contestants be able to face the
challenge, or will they succumb to the mind-numbing world
of bluescreens, smileys, and dancing paper clips just so
they can satisfy their desire to surf the Internet?  Only
time will tell.

DUMBBELL: I can't wait to see what happens...  but only
after this brief word from our sponsors.

ANNOUNCER: Are you sick and tired of dull coffees and colas
that contain only a meager fraction of the caffeine that
geeks need every hour to enter Deep Hack Mode?  We here at
EyeOpener(tm) have the solution. With EyeOpener(tm) Brand
Beverages, you'll get 100,000% the daily recommended dosage
of caffeine.  Don't waste your time with flavored water --
drink pure caffeine today!

SPLADDEN: Alright, all sixteen players are taking the
field...

DUMBBELL: And I think we're ready to begin.  His Benevolent
Dictatorship Jon Splatz will now lead the group in the
national anthem of Humorixia, "Kill All The Lawyers".


   I got this bark letter the other day,
   "Stop using our trademark or you will pay".

   I said "Ha" and threw it in the trash,
   Oh but then those lawyers got very rash,

   Lawsuits, subpoenas, the accusations came,
   All their attacks were truly lame,
 
   They said, "You've committed quite a sin!"
   "You're going to get five to ten!"

      Kill all the lawyers!
      Oh, kill all the lawyers!
      Let's "kill -9 lawyers" now!

   Patents, copyrights, and trademarks,
   Those evil lawyers are worse than sharks.

   We can't escape their vice-like grip,
   We're slaves to their class-action whip,

   We all must fight this evil abomination,
   Join together and strive for world domination!

   Tell those bloodsucking ticks, "See ya!"
   And move on over to Humor-ix-ia!

      Kill all the lawyers!
      Oh, kill all the lawyers!
      Let's "kill -9 lawyers" now!
      Let's "kill -9 lawyers" now!
   
   Die, die ambulance chasing leeches,
   We will defeat you on the beaches!

   Humorixia -- where lawyers are forbidden,
   And individual freedoms are a given!

      Kill all the lawyers!
      Oh... kill... all... the... lawyers... in sight! 

   Humorixia!  There is no conspiracy!
   

DUMBBELL: Here we go... and they're off!

SPLADDEN: Well, maybe not.  I don't see too much activity
down on the field. Everybody is lying down in the tropical
sun trying to get a tan.

DUMBBELL: Geeks tanning themselves?  That won't last long. 
With their pasty skin, they might make it four, maybe five
minutes before a sunburn sets in.  

SPLADDEN: While the sun's UV rays begin to microwave the
skin of our contestants, let's go over the rules for Geek
Temptation Island.

DUMBBELL: Good idea, John.  We picked sixteen Linux geeks
who were recently laid off from dotcom failures, and
brought them here to the sovereign geek paradise of
Humorixia.  They are now sequestered in a remote part of
the Humorixian island known as the Minasra Desert (Minasra
Is Not A Self-Referential Acronym).  

SPLADDEN: These plucky contestants must now survive for
three hours in a wasteland consisting only of desert,
rocks, and worthless computers running Windows 98 and AOL
Internet.  Will these hard-core Linux dotheads be able to
resist the temptation to use the abomination known as
Windows? Will they resist the temptation to run away from
Minasra and head for Humorixia's capital city of Root,
which has more Linux computers per square mile than any
other city in the world?

DUMBBELL: We're going to find out soon enough.  Well, it
might take an hour or two before they start to crack.

SPLADDEN: I'm seeing some activity on the field, Bryant. 
It looks like Contestant 6 is starting to shake wildly.

DUMBBELL: Oh man, that's not good.  We're only 5.4 minutes
into this thing and he's already heading for a temptation
breakdown.  

SPLADDEN: Look, he's saying something.  Let's turn on the
spy microphones and listen in...

CONTESTANT: I can't take this much longer!  Must... have...
Internet... access... Must visit... Slashdot... must check
email... must download... por...nography!  I wasn't...
prepared... for... this level... of... temptation!

DUMBBELL: It's all over for this player.

SPLADDEN: That's right, he's picked up a nearby Windows
laptop and he's already logging in to AOL... Oops, there's
a bluescreen.

DUMBBELL: Man, this geek didn't even have the willpower to
hold out for five whole minutes before succumbing to the
siren call of Microsoft.  What a pathetic smeghead!

[Down on the field, a noise can be heard from the laptop:
"You've Got Spam!"]

SPLADDEN: Here come the doctors in white labcoats to take
him away from here. He should receive expert care at the
hospital in Root.  One down, fifteen to go.

DUMBBELL: But before we see more riveting temptation
action, let's throw some temptation at you, the home
reader, with this word from our sponsor...

ANNOUNCER: This Humorix fake news article is brought to you
by... the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm)!  We know where you
live, we know how many porn sites you visited last week,
and we know what your T-shirt size is.  Speaking of
T-shirts... we have a whole warehouse filled with crappy
Humorix shirts and mousepads that we need to get rid of to
make room for the Vast Spy Network(tm)'s new Command
Center.  So order some today!

SPLADDEN: And we're back.

DUMBBELL: Do you see what I'm seeing?

SPLADDEN: Holy penguin!  This is simply amazing.

DUMBBELL: I can't believe this is happening!

SPLADDEN: What a spectacular effort.  It's a shame this
might violate the rules.

DUMBBELL: We'll have to confer with the judges on that. Oh!
I suppose we should explain to the audience what's going
on.

SPLADDEN: Contestant Number 3 has apparently smuggled in a
satellite phone and a whistle.  He's simulating the
connection noises for a dial-up Internet connection... and
it looks like he's successful!

DUMBBELL: I'm a little rusty on my PPP, John, but I think
he's whistling the noise for a port 80 HTTP request from
slashdot.org.  Truly amazing.

SPLADDEN: ...But apparently against the rules.  There's a
flag on the play... a referee is now on the field and he's
yelling "Exception!  Exception!"

DUMBBELL: So is it against the rules to smuggle in
electronics?

SPLADDEN: No, I don't think that's it.  Here's the
referee...

REFEREE: Player Number 3 is using a satellite phone
produced by MS-Iridium... This phone contains an embedded
version of Windows CE... therefore the contestant has
accidentally succumbed to the temptation of Windows and must
therefore be disqualified.

DUMBBELL: Oops, that's gotta hurt.  You gotta hate it when
that happens.

SPLADDEN: Is there an industry that Microsoft hasn't
already dominated?

DUMBBELL: Well, vacuum cleaners, of course.  It's a shame,
really, as Microsoft's products always suck.

SPLADDEN: Aw, geez, it's not like I haven't already heard
that joke 1e6 times.

DUMBBELL: Okay, after these messages we'll return to the
second half of Geek Temptation Island 1.0.

ANNOUNCER: Are you sick of jocks and socialites telling you
to "Get a life!"  It's time to turn the tables on these
idiots with O'Reilly & Associates new book, "Witty
Comebacks In A Nutshell". With this 512-page tome, you'll
have the perfect reply for any hostile situation that will
make adolescent, bullying jocks look like...  adolescent,
bullying jocks.  Take a break from hacking Perl, and start
hacking your enemies!

[Two hours later...]

SPLADDEN: We're in the home stretch now, folks.  All but
two contestants have given in to the Microsoft Empire.

DUMBBELL: That's right, John.  This is where stamina,
endurance, and extreme bladder control are the keys to
victory.

SPLADDEN: The producers of the show, hoping to speed things
up, have saturated the two remaining contestants with even
more temptations.  Windows computers are scattered
everywhere, loud speakers are playing various Microsoft
jingles, and "Where do you want to go today?" banners have
been posted all over the place.

DUMBBELL: Indeed, we're definitely seeing maximum
temptation levels here in the final stage of the game. 
This has got to be killing the contestants.

SPLADDEN: I don't see how any geek can survive under these
extreme conditions. It's truly mind-boggling.

DUMBBELL: What's that?!?  One of the contestants is turning
on a Windows computer.  Is this the end?  Will we soon
learn the identity of the World's Least Tempted Geek?

SPLADDEN: Err... something odd is going on.  Instead of
booting into Windows, the contestant is typing in
something... a long string of ASCII text... a long
string... a very loooooooooooooooooong string...

DUMBBELL: What's he doing?

SPLADDEN: By the name of the Holy Penguin, he's typing in
the Linux kernel source code!  I'm stunned.  

DUMBBELL: Now this is something to see.  All of those
losers watching the Super Bowl are missing out on what
could easily be the most memorable event in sports
history!  Our great-great-grandchildren will be talking
about this one!

SPLADDEN: Look at him!  He apparently has the entire kernel
source code memorized, and he's typing it in at lightning
speed... easily 500 bytes per minute.

DUMBBELL: Forget about memorizing PI, the next big fad
might be memorizing Linux.

SPLADDEN: Unbelievable.  Simply unbelievable.

DUMBBELL: Uh, I think you might be right, John, this is
unbelievable. I'm looking at the instant replay, and...
he's not typing in the Linux source code.  He's not typing
anything.  

SPLADDEN: Oh, I see what you mean... it's pure line noise. 
He's typing in garbage.  It's just a random stream of ASCII
characters...

DUMBBELL: Which can only mean one thing: it's Perl code!

SPLADDEN: Nah, I think this poor fellow has reached the
outer limits of his sanity.  He's cracked.  Where are those
labcoat-wearing doctors when you need them?

DUMBBELL: Here they come.  It looks like the field has been
narrowed down to one geek survivor.

SPLADDEN: Yes, Contestant Number 14 is the winner of the
first Geek Temptation Island.  But he's in pretty bad
shape, Bryant.

DUMBBELL: Yep, I have a feeling he won't be back next year.

SPLADDEN: I have a feeling none of us will.  This whole
thing is pretty stupid.

-
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