[humorix] Microsoft Fights Linux -- By Contributing Kernel Patches

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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Microsoft Fights Linux -- By Contributing Kernel Patches
January 11, 2001

REDMOND, WA -- If you can't beat 'em, join 'em... and then
destory 'em. That seems to be the new Microsoft strategy
for dealing with Linux. Instead of fighting a FUD or patent
war, Microsoft operatives are doing something totally out
of character: they are contributing open-source patches for
the Linux kernel and other programs.

Don't worry, Microsoft is still evil.  It's all part of a
massive denial of service attack against Linus Torvalds
designed to bring kernel development to a standstill.  By
sending over 10,000 patches per minute by email to Linus
and other top kernel hackers, Microsoft has exposed Linux's
Achilles heel.

"I can't believe this is happening!" one stressed-out
kernel hacker said at a press conference held on IRC.  "If
this goes on, we may have to conduct kernel development
over some other network protocol, like avian carriers or
something... Aw crap, there's smoke coming from my email
server!  Ahh... it can't handle the load!"  At this point
the developer cut off and we haven't heard from him since.

At first Linus was unsure where the deluge of patches was
coming from. But when he saw one patch to replace kernel
panics with bluescreens, the source was pretty obvious. 
"Oh, and the fact that all of the patches are covered by
Microsoft's GPL [Grossly Private License] was a dead
giveaway, too," Linus added.

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) was able to contact one
Microsoft employee who was willing to talk to us "strictly
off the record".  Yeah, right, sucker.  At Humorix, "off
the record" has no meaning.

This Microserf told us, "It was all Steve Ballmer's idea. 
His public statement about Linux representing a serious
threat to Microsoft was just the first salvo.  [Maniacal
laugher]... It's a shame we didn't start this operation
until after kernel 2.4 was released.  We could've delayed
its release for another year or so; it would've been
amusing to watch Ziff-Davis and other mouthpieces label
Linux as 'vaporware' while Microsoft's own products came
out on time. [Even more maniacal laughter]"

We haven't received official word from Linus or other alpha
geeks on how they plan to cope with this problem. 
Explained one pundit, "It's not like they can just launch a
counter-DOS against Microsoft. There's no way you can slow
down software development at Redmond. Microsoft's marketing
weasals won't push back release dates, they'll just release
software that's even more buggy than usual!"

Still, some people have suggested that Linus should adopt
(oh the horror!) a version control system for the kernel. 
Last year Torvalds commented on linux-kernel, "Penguins
will fly before I do something like that," so we don't
expect this radical proposal to go very far.

-
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