[humorix] No, Virginia, There Isn't A Linus Torvalds

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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No, Virginia, There Isn't A Linus Torvalds
December 22, 2000

[Editor's Note: Our Vast Spy Network(tm) intercepted a copy
of the next issue of "Microsoft Magazine", which contains
this disturbing letter to the editor.]

Dear Microsoft Magazine --

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no
Linus Torvalds. Papa says, "If you see it in Microsoft
Magazine, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a
Linus Torvalds?

Signed, Virginia Higganbotham
                                                   

Microsoft PR Handler #347 responds:

Virginia, your little friends are right. They have been
affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. And
rightfully so.

It's all a conspiracy.

Let's think about this for a minute.  We're supposed to
believe that one jolly old elf from near the Arctic Circle
(Finland) is responsible for delivering toys (an operating
system) for good children (and adults) throughout the
world.

Yeah, right.

How can one person do all of that?  Look at Apple -- they
can hire as many of the best people that money can buy --
and yet they still can't produce a decent, stable operating
system on their own.

Now, you might ask, what about helpers?  Surely Linus isn't
the only one that codes, debugs, mananges, distributes,
designs, plans, and implements?  

Oh, come on.  If single-handedly producing your own
operating system is hard, then single-handedly managing a
whole herd of independent developers to produce your own
operating system would be just as hard!

It's all a conspiracy.

"Linus" is just a figure-head.  In reality, there's nearly
512 Linuses running around, all clones of the original. 
It's all part of the Helsinkian Undergound[1], a byzantine
maze of elaborate conspiracies-within-conspiracies designed
to infect their booby-trapped operating system throughout
the world.

The purpose?  Well, duh.  Don't you watch movies and TV? 
You should know -- every conspiracy has one and only one
purpose: world domination.

Just ask Senator Fattecat (R-Washington).  He's been 
campaigning against the Finnish Conspiracy for the past
year, pointing out back doors in the so-called "Linux"
operating system that could be used to conquer the US[2].

Unfortunately, Fattecat was not re-elected.  I have it on
good authority that his opponent is a Finnish operative.

But it doesn't matter.  The truth shall be revealed, and
the evil conspirators will be expunged.  Linus does not
exist -- but an evil army of cloned Linuses bent on
conquest really do exist.

So, little Virginia, please remember to boycott Linux, and
only use Microsoft Windows.  It's the American way.


[1]
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/jan00.shtml#Finland-Conspiracy
[2] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/jan00.shtml#Finland-Ban

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