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[humorix] Humorix Holiday Gift Guide 2000
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Warning: humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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Humorix Holiday Gift Guide 2000
December 17, 2000
It's time again for Humorix's guide to gifts for the geek
that has everything. We realize that this guide is a
little late in coming -- Christmas is just over a week away
-- but since most people procrastinate when buying gifts
anyways, we don't think it's a big problem. After all, our
own Jon Splatz has procrastinated for over a year -- he's
still buying gifts for Christmas 1999.
* AbsoluteZero(tm) Cryogenic Refrigerator
$29,999.95 for economy model at Cryo-Me-A-River, Inc.
The pundits have been hyping new technology allowing your
home appliances to have Internet access. Most people
aren't too keen with the thought of their refrigerator
sharing an IP address with their can opener.
But with the new AbsoluteZero(tm) Refrigerator, that might
change. This is not a fridge for your food -- it's a fridge
for your overclocked, overheating CPU. You stick your
computer inside, bolt the door shut, turn the temperature
down to 5 degrees Kelvin, and you've got the perfect
environment for accelerating your CPU to 1 Terahertz or
more.
This cryogenic cooling system may not actually reach
absolute zero, but it comes mighty close. Unfortunately,
the AbsoluteZero(tm) is the size of a small house, consumes
a constant stream of liquid nitrogen, and requires it's own
nuclear reactor (not included). But that's a small price to
pay for the ability to play Quake 3 at 100,000 frames per
second.
* Hearing Un-aid
US$129.95 at The Fuzzier Projection Co.
It's a scene we can all identify with: you're at a boring
company meeting, trying to read the latest Slashdot
headlines on your PalmPilot, but you can't concentrate
because the PHB is rambling in a loud, booming voice about
e-infomediary-substrategic-paradigms and
meta-content-aggregation-relationship-corridors.
With the Hearing Un-aid(tm), you can put a stop to
incessant buzzword-speak by your boss. Unlike a hearing
aid, which amplifies sound, the Hearing Un-aid dampens
noise, so you can easily tune out the board meeting and
instead focus on something far more important, such as
downloading Humorix stories.
If you happen to miss something important (yeah, right) and
your boss accuses you of not paying attention, you can
simply point to your hearing "aid" and respond, "What was
that? I couldn't hear you because of my temporary hearing
loss."
* Bluescreen Computer Case
US$27.97 at Bud's Beige Box Bazaar
Real Geeks may not admit to using Windows, but there's
still countless geeks out there who must suffer through
the humiliation of using Windows while at work. The
patent-not-pending Bluescreen Case, though, will ease the
stress of working with Microsoft "solutions".
This computer case is very similar to other beige boxes,
but with one important difference: the reboot button is
covered with a picture of Bill Gates. When the machine
bluescreens for the millionth time, all you have to do is
punch Bill Gates in the face as hard as you can, and the
computer will restart. This provides invaluable therapeutic
stress relief.
* Bob's Map to the Homes of the Rich & Geeky
US$29.95 at BobsEcommerceSite.com
Hollywood is full of shady street-side vendors selling
"maps to the homes of the rich and famous" that are
actually photocopies of photocopies of photocopies of an
old 1984 Rand McNally map.
But what about the Bay Area? Wouldn't you like to visit
the homes and driveways of the rich and geeky in Silicon
Valley? Wouldn't you like to see Linus Torvalds'
residence? Wouldn't you like to drive by the home of
permanent-interim-CEO Steve Jobs? Wouldn't you like to
spit on the driveway of Bill Gates?
Well, now you can. Bob's Map to the Homes of the Rich &
Geeky is a full-color 128 page atlas filled with detailed
instructions for finding the homes of 1,024 of the world's
most famous geeks. From San Jose, to Seattle, to Austin,
to Boston, Bob's Map is your passport to gawk at the homes
of the rich and geeky.
* Dial-A-Detective
$499.95/year; 1-888-BYE-SPAM
This detective firm is not what you'd expect. Instead of
tracking murderers or unfaithful husbands, this band of
rogue private investigators goes after something just as
sinister -- spammers. For a modest annual retainer fee,
these spam detectives will track down the source of every
piece of spam you receive.
Using the latest in forensic technology, they will bring
you the virtual scalp of the spammer -- their name, home
address, social-security number, and, more importantly,
credit card numbers. At this point you are free to pursue
the evil spammer as you see fit.
If your friend or relative is sick of receiving wave after
wave of "Find Out Anything About Anyone" spams, give them a
subscription to Dial-A-Detective, and they'll find out
anything about any spammer -- for real.
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