[humorix] Descent Into The Lawyerclysm

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Descent Into The Lawyerclysm
Jon Splatz, jonsplatz@i-want-a-website.com
November 19, 2000

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean the lawyers
aren't out to get you.
   -- Anonymous

The fallout from the US Election From Hell(tm) has provided
the perfect opportunity for the Lawyercrats to seize power
and become the Fourth Branch of the US Government. The
conspiracy has reached fruition; we've reached Stage 0 of
the dreaded Lawyerclysm.

South Florida is ground zero for the greatest calamity to
befall mankind since the first law school opened in Europe
during the 12th Century[1].  Everybody and their brother in
Florida is embroiled in a lawsuit over the election.  The
elderly are suing over the poorly designed ballots
(obviously created by Microsoft user-interface designers). 
The Republicans are suing to end the re-re-re-re-counts. 
And the Democrats have airlifted lawyers into the state to
sue over everything else.

Trust me, I know.  I've been there.  I was in South Florida
on vacation when the election fiasco started to unravel.

The Humorix strike[2], after all, was really just an excuse
to take a vacation. I don't care about better working
conditions, or a heated swimming pool, or unlimited beer
privileges.  The only reason I walked out was to get some
time off.

So there I was, trapped in West Palm Beach, surrounded by
disgruntled voters and -- worst of all -- an army of
lawyers, politicians, and judges all congregated in one
small area.  My kingdom for a small nuclear device!

I never left my hotel room.  I had a recurring nightmare
that I might step outside into the maelstrom, look at a
lawyer wrong, and wind up as the loser in a million-dollar
lawsuit.   I could only look out my window in disbelief as
the Election From Hell unfolded.  I saw lawyers blame other
lawyers for sending in lawyers.  I saw ambulances chased by
crowds of lawyers, who were filing lawsuits against each
other for getting in the way.

It was horrible!  This nation is sinking into the quicksand
of the Paperwork Age, a postmodern world in which judges
issue meta-injuctions against other judges who issue
injuctions against lawyers who file lawsuits every 3.2
minutes. It's an age where lawyers design ballots forms and
then proceed to argue over how to count them.  

The United States has bluescreened.  A fatal exception
error occured on Election Night, and now all of our unsaved
work has been lost.

And it's only going to get worse.  We've only reached Stage
0 of the Lawyerclysm; the next 6 stages are still to come. 
And if you don't live in the United States Of Lawyers,
don't look so smug -- the judge's gavel is about to smack
the rest of the world just as hard.

Here's what will happen next:

* Stage 1. The courts take power.  It all starts when the
Florida Supreme Court singlehandedly decides the outcome of
the Presidential race, but it doesn't stop there.  Soon the
Constitution is reinterpreted to exempt lawyers and judges
from income taxes.  Before long the courts just say "screw
this" and decide to rewrite the entire Constitution, thus
setting the foundations for the world's first Lawyerocracy
-- "A nation, under the appropriate Deity of your choice,
by the lawyers, for the lawyers, with liberty and justice
for all lawyers. Void where prohibited."

* Stage 2. Other nations around the world become
Lawyercratic.   Forget about the "Red Menace", the "Black
Menace" of Lawyerism descends upon the world like a plague
of locusts.  France becomes the first victim when the
courts usurp power and begin to hand down absurd
judgements, such as ruling against doctors for allowing
severely disabled children to be born rather than aborted.
[Actually, this has already happened[3]. -- The Editor]

* Stage 3. Mandatory legal insurance.  Lawsuits multiply at
such a fantastic rate that the average person is involved
in 23 lawsuits each year.  The number of courtrooms and
judges increases by 10,000% annually.  Before long it
becomes impossible to function in society without joining
an LMO (Legal Maintenance Organization) and buying legal
insurance.  The poor are unable to afford insurance, but
that doesn't matter, since nobody would want to sue a poor
person anyways.  Everyone else, however, becomes fair game
-- and the typical American will devote 95% of their income
for insurance premiums and court costs.

The Universal Bar Association (formerly the American Bar
Association) will decree that no person my drive a car,
register to vote, or even obtain employment without proof
of legal insurance.  And only people with law degrees may
hold public office. The so-called "Judicial Divide" between
the upper class (composed solely of lawyers) and the lower
class (everyone else) will widen at an exponential rate.

* Stage 4. Lawyers control every aspect of society. From
buying hot coffee to keeping a pet dog, no part of life
escapes the attention of lawyers. McDonalds customers must
pass a "hot beverage safety course" and sign a waiver
before they are allowed to buy hot coffee[4].  People
wanting to keep a domesticated pet must petition the court
to obtain "custody", and then pay monthly fees to ARMO
(Animal Rights Maintenance Organization), a network of
lawyers that provide legal representation to all pets at
the expense of their owners.

It becomes virtually impossible to go through life without
speaking to (and giving money to) at least one lawyer per
day.  Any dispute must be settled through the courts.  For
instance, it's illegal to complain directly to your
neighbor about their loud music; you must hire a lawyer to
fire off a bark letter to the lawyer representing your
neighbor. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

* Stage 5. Legal violence replaces physical violence. 
Lawyercratic countries will replace their military armies
with legal armies.  The US Department Of Defense becomes 
the Department Of Litigation, an elite army of attorneys
ready to airlift into any foreign nation and bury the
opposition under 100 tons of red tape, court filings, and
meta-injunctions within minutes.  Nuclear weapons are
scrapped and replaced by subpoenas.  Squadrons of soldiers
are replaced by "Dream Teams".  Wars are conducted not on
battlefields, but in courtrooms.  While most forms of
physical violence ceases, the ensuing legal violence is
far, far worse -- a fleet of lawyers can bring poverty and
bankruptcy to billions of innocent civilians within a
matter of hours.

* Stage 6. World economy collapses under the weight of
overlawyering. Every university in the world becomes a law
school, cranking out over 20,000 new law degrees every
day.  Everybody wants to become an attorney; nobody wants
to do anything else.  The world economy hits critical mass,
and implodes under the weight of the "justice" system. 
Civilization collapses.  The only survivors are a small
community of Geeks and non-Lawyers on the island nation of
Humorixia, who wisely decided to make the possession of a
law degree a crime punishable by deportation[5].

The United States may never fully recover from the ongoing
LawyerBinge.  But there's still hope to prevent a Stage 6
Lawyerclysm, but only if we stand tall and prepare for the
largest battle between good and evil the world has ever
witnessed.  The geek paradise of Humorixia is our last
bastion of defense against the Lawyercrats, our last
glimmer of hope against the Lawyerclysm, our last chance of
freedom from the tyranny of injunctions, suits,
counter-suits, and meta-suits!

Geeks of the world, unite under the Humorixian battle flag
and fight to prevent the New World Order of Lawyercrats!
Down with the empire!  Linux and freedom forever! We will
fight them on the beaches!  Humorixia WILL prevail!

Or something like that.

Write me at jonsplatz@i-want-a-website.com.

[1] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/jan00.shtml#Linux-History1
[2] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/oct00.shtml#Strike
[3]
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/europe/newsid_1028000/1028648.stm
[4] http://thecaperock.com/aug00/mclawsuit.shtml
[5]
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/dec99.shtml#Humorixia-Founded

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