[humorix] Humorix Strike: Day 7

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Humorix Strike: Day 7
October 22, 2000

The strike continues.  Jon Splatz, Noah Morals, and others
are sitting on the sidewalk outside screaming, "What do we
want? More money!   When are we going to get it? Now! What
if we don't get it now? We're going to repeat this annoying
chant over and over and over and over until we do!  What do
we want?..."

I've hired several scabs, including lawyer Philip Mepocketz
and pundit Don Fatz.  Things have started to pick up, as you
can see from the attached transcript from yesterday's staff
meeting:

BAUGHN: Well, let's get started by introducing ourselves.  
Mr. Fatz?

FATZ: Hi, I'm Don Fatz, a graduate of Millard Fillmore Ivy
League College with a degree in Social Commentary &
Punditology.   I used to write for several dotcoms that have
long since folded, including NoBusinessModel.com and 
BettingItAllOnTheSuperbowl.com.  As a side note, every
business I've worked at has failed. Hope that doesn't happen
here.

MEPOCKETZ: Hello, my name is Philip Mepocketz III, Esq., and
I'm an attorney.  I've had a successful track record in the
courts, winning 75% of my cases.  After all, while in
college I was arrested 23 times for fraud, drug abuse, jury
tampering, bribery, blackmail, and gambling.  I successfully
defended myself in every one of those cases, during which I
gained the tremendous amount of legal experience I have
today.

[Editor's Note: At this point I popped a couple of
Sock-The-Block(R) pills, which, according to the bottle,
"Eliminates writer's block within 24 hours or your money
back(R). Guarantee not valid in most states."]

RICH: Howdy everyone, I'm Phil T. Rich.  I've been hired as
Humorix's interrim Book Cooker... er, Chief Accountant.  You
might recognize my name from the 1998 bestselling book,
"Learn Embezzlement & Money Laundering In 21 Days".  

MUSS: Hi ya'll, I go by the handle "Anon E. Muss", but of
course that's not my real codename.  I'm the new head of the
Vast Spy Network(tm) and the interrim Benevolent Dictator
for the island nation of Humorixia.

JCN: Hello world, I'm JCN ("Jerry-rigged Computer Nodule"),
the temporary head of Humorix's Vast Research Labs Of Doom. 
I'm actually a holographic projection simulated by a
512-node Beowulf Cluster of quantum computers that were
stolen from the 25th century by way of a temporal anomoly.

BAUGHN: Well, that's everyone, except for Matt Adair, who
couldn't make it.  He's become addicted to "Everything2" and
hasn't been seen outside of his house -- or away from his
computer terminal -- since April.  Okay... the first order
of business: raising cash.

MEPOCKETZ: I'll field that one.  Every other dotcom -- well,
every other dotcom that hasn't gone bankrupt -- has already
found the secret to success: patent something trivial.  We
need to do that.

BAUGHN: But how?  Noah Morals has several contacts (read:
people easily bribed) in the USPTO, but he's on strike.

MEPOCKETZ: Don't worry about that.  We'll just patent the
business model of -- get ready for this -- "making a
profit".  We can't fail.

BAUGHN: Brilliant!

RICH: Hey, we could also patent the business model of
_losing money_. Every single dotcom would owe us royalties! 
What a racket.

BAUGHN: If Amazon can patent "one-click impulse buying",
then we should have no trouble getting these patents. So
that takes care of our financial woes.  Next, we need story
ideas, and we need them fast.  If we don't publish something
quick, our core readership could shrink by 50% overnight
(from two people to one).

JCN: I've got it: "Apple Cube Mistaken For Toaster"

MEPOCKETZ: Hasn't that been done before?

FATZ: Er... that's not fake news.  My sister got a Cube last
month, and I actually did mistake it for a toaster! The
CD-ROM drive is full of bread crumbs and hasn't worked
properly since then.  I don't think my sister is very
happy...

BAUGHN: We're overlooking one thing. That has nothing to do
with Linux.  Your typical Linux zealot doesn't care about
Macintoshes; in fact, Mac users are usually considered lower
forms of life sitting just one rung above Microsoft
salesdroids. 

MEPOCKETZ: How about "FreeBSD To Change Name To Something
More Pronounceable"?

BAUGHN: Better. 

MEPOCKETZ: It makes sense.  I mean, Linux is two syllables,
while FreeBeeEssDee is four.  Linux isn't beating BSD
because of its technical superiority... Linux is winning
because of the cool name.  Oh, and the Tux mascot is much
more appealing than a Daemon.

BAUGHN: So what should be the new name?

MEPOCKETZ: Freebs'd.  It's all one syllable.

BAUGHN: So what else have we got?

FATZ: How about "Man Arrested For Using AOL CD As Frisbee"? 
What with the iOpener and CueCat debacles, it can be illegal
to hack hardware. So then it's not a stretch to have AOL
prosecute people who use their free CDs in an unauthorized
manner, such as drink coasters, paperweights, or frisbees.

RICH: And then there's Microsoft's new financing program for
Office 2001: "$500 down, and 0.9% financing for 36 months!"

MEPOCKETZ: Here's a headline: "Counterfeit ring busted for
selling fake Linus Torvalds autographs"

FATZ: "KDE and GNOME hackers duke it out on the Jerry
Springer show"

MUSS: "Warning: Reading Slashdot Can Be Hazardous To Your
Health"

RICH: "Will Ziff-Davis Go Out Of Business If Everyone Gets A
Life?"

MEPOCKETZ: "A Day In The Life Of The MPAA President"

FATZ: "Could You Get Fired For Firing The Techie That Snuck
Linux Onto The Corporate Network?"

BAUGHN: Well, I think that's enough for now.  Now for the
last item of business... dealing with the strike.

MEPOCKETZ: No kidding!  The picket line outside is a war
zone.  This morning Noah Morals and his daughter Lucy
started hitting me over the head with briefcases.  And he
kept threatening to sue me, my dog, my limo driver, my
gardener, all of my high school teachers...

FATZ: Uh... one point of clarification.  Once the strike is
over, us scabs will be fired, right?

BAUGHN: Yeah.

FATZ: So then I recommend we do absolutely nothing and let
the strike continue.

BAUGHN: That sounds like a plan.  Who's up for a swim in the
pool?

-
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