[humorix] Throwing Windows Out The Window

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Throwing Windows Out The Window
September 11, 2000

WASHINGTON -- The Federal Bureau Of Missing Socks has
banned the use of Microsoft Windows and Office on all
employee computers.  But don't get too excited; they aren't
going to be replacing them with Linux.  Instead, this
government agency has decided to go back to using
abucusses, slide rules, and manual typewriters.  

The banishment of Microsoft software stems from the
agency's new policy against computer games.  Microsoft
Office, which contains several games in the form of Easter
Eggs, is now verboten on all agency computers.  "Flight
simulators, pinball games, magic eight balls... they all
violate our policy," said the sub-adjunct administrator
second-class, Mrs. Laverne Biehle.  "So we can't use
Office."

Windows is forbidden for the same reason.  "We've had way
too many employees wasting time playing Solitaire," said
Biehle.  "Unfortunately, Solitaire is an integral part of
Windows -- Microsoft executives said so during the
anti-trust trial.  If Solitaire is removed, the operating
system won't function properly.  Therefore, we have no
choice but to banish all Windows computers."

The agency could switch to Linux or another system, but
such a move would make too much sense.  The Bureau's
Assistant Technology Consultant, Mr. Reginald "Red" Taype,
explained, "We don't want to use anything that's
unsupported, so we're going to bring in old abucusses,
slide rules, adding machines, and manual typewriters that
we found sitting in the sub-basement under three inches of
dust and cobwebs."

"Have you ever seen an abucus crash?" he asked.  "Have you
ever seen anybody have fun with a slide rule?  Do adding
machines contain undocumented easter eggs?  No!  That's why
we're ditching our PCs."

The agency's move also has another benefit: they no longer
need to employ a "Bluescreen Boy".  The security cameras in
the agency's ten-story building were all pointed at the
monitors of each computer. If a PC crashed and displayed a
bluescreen, the security cameras picked it up and the B.B.
was dispatched to manually reboot that computer. It was a
horrible job, but the B.B. did get a nice exercise workout
each day.

The former B.B. is now flipping burgers at Google.com's
gourmet kitchen.

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