[humorix] Clippit Charged With Attempted Murder

[James Baughn <webmaster@i-want-a-website.com>]

Clippit Charged With Attempted Murder
September 2, 2000

ELKO, NEVADA -- Microsoft's Dancing Paper Clip turned
violent last week and nearly killed a university student
testing a new Windows-based  human-computer interface.  The
victim, Trevor Erikkson, is expected to make a full
recovery, although psychiatrists warn that the incident may
scar him emotionally for life.  "You can bet this kid won't
be using Windows or Office ever again," said one shrink.

The victim, a sophomore at Northeast Nevada Ivy League
College, had been alpha-testing CHUG (Computer-Human
Unencumbered Groupware), a new interface in which the user
controls the computer with force-feedback gloves and voice
activation. It's the force feedback part that nearly killed
him.

"I was trying to write a term paper in Word," said Trevor
from his hospital bed.  "But then that damned Dancing Paper
Clip came up and started annoying me.  I gave it the middle
finger, which it didn't like too much.  It deleted my
document, at which point I screamed at it and threatened to
pull the power cord.  I didn't get a chance to make good on
that threat; the force-feedback gloves activated and
started choking me."

It took the effort of several lab assistants to pry the
gloves from his throat and put a stop to Clippit's violent
rampage. The Department of Public Safety & Parking Tickets
immediately arrested the computer.

"We told Clippit it had the right to remain silent, and so
on," said Gustavo Warden, the head of DPS&PT.  "The
paperclip responded, 'Hi, I'm Clippit, the Office
Assistant.  Would you like to  create a letter?'  I said,
'Look here, Mr. Paperclip. You're being charged with
attempted murder.'  At that point the computer
bluescreened."

That same computer, along with Clippit, is now sitting in a
jail cell.  "We had to put this machine behind bars before
it could try to kill again," said the county prosecutor.  

Legal scholars are divided on whether Clippit can actually
be charged with a crime.  "It's not human.  It's not alive.
It doesn't even pass the Turing Test," argued one
professor.  "How can you possibly put something like this
on trial?  And what if Clippit is found guilty?  Are they
going to give the paperclip the death penalty by typing
'FORMAT C:'?"

Some observers, however, agree that Clippit should be put
on trial.  "No society should tolerate software agents that
turn violent.   I don't care whether Clippit is really just
some crappy algorithm existing as a series of magnetic
fields on a hard drive.  That doesn't give it the right to
kill people."

Clippit isn't the only Microsoft creation with a temper. In
1998, Humorix reported that Microsoft's "Barney" toy  would
turn violent when exposed to a Tux Penguin doll.

Microsoft has pledged to fix Clippit's "known issue" by
releasing a version of Office in which the paperclip is
permanently disabled.  Unfortunately, the Clippit-free
version will cost $100 more than the regular version.
-
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