[humorix] The Linux House 1.01

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

The Linux House 1.01
August 27, 2000

RATTLESNAKE RIDGE, LOUSIANA -- Mr. Billy O'Nair knows how
to build a house.  The 24 year old retired dotcom
billionaire has constructed the "Linux House 1.01", a
bachelor pad built in the shape of Tux Penguin.  This geek
haven features a 256 foot long computer room, along with
other smaller, lesser important rooms (kitchen, bedroom,
bathroom, etc.).

Explained O'Nair, "Why do architects waste a bunch of space
on formal living rooms, family rooms, dining rooms,
closets, foyers, and hallways that are rarely used?  In my
'Linux House', the majority of square footage is devoted to
the two rooms that I myself use the most: a computer room
and a procrastination room."

[NOTE: The floorplan is available at 
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/aug00-linuxhouse.png]

The design for this house is enough to send any geek into a
frenzy of rabid drooling.  Just look at what each room
contains:

* The procrastination room: When it comes to wasting time,
Billy knows how to do it in style.  With a wall-sized
flat-screen TV, movie projector, pool table, LEGO workshop,
and deluxe Laz-E-Geek(tm) recliner, there's absolutely no
reason to perform meaningful work ever again. 

* The computer room: Many traditional houses try to hide
the computer in a small "office" or "server closet".  Not
the Linux House. Not only is the computer room the largest
space in the house, but it's also the first thing you see
when you enter the front door. This room contains 64
computers running Linux, along with a few well-hidden boxes
in the far corner that run other operating systems "just in
case".  

* Bathroom & Library: In version 1.00 of the Linux House,
O'Nair planned a seperate room for the library.  "But then
I realized that I did most of my reading and meditating
while on the toilet," he reflected.  "So why bother with a
stand-alone library?  Now I've got all my O'Reilly and
science-fiction books right at my fingertips while I'm on
the throne."

* Bedroom: An unfortunate waste of space since Billy
doesn't sleep very often (he once performed a 48 hour
straight hacking run while  doped up on caffeine).

* Kitchen: Another waste of space.  This small room only
contains a microwave (with its own IP address) and a
telephone with the nearest Dominator's Pizza location on
speed-dial.  "I don't cook," O'Nair said flatly.  "Once in
awhile I'll nuke a TV dinner, but most of the time I just
hit the 'GIMME FOOD' button on the phone and order a
Dominator's pizza."

* Linus Torvalds Shrine:  No geek house is complete without
one.

* Living Room: "This is really just a facade for a secret
trapdoor that drops down into the laboratory and nuclear
power plant in the basement," he explained. "Yes, I have my
own power plant -- how else am I going to get all the power
necessary to keep all those computers running 24/7?"

And that's not all.  The Linux House features a LAN (Liquor
Acquisition Network) that delivers alcohol or caffeinated
beverages to any room in the house by way of pipes that run
through the ceiling.  In addition, 'PANIC' buttons
scattered throughout the house activate the RAM System
(Random Access Munchies), in which candy bars and other
snacks are immediately delivered by FPM (Fast Pretzel Mode)
and EDO (Extended Delicacy Output) pneumatic tubes.

Billy O'Nair was quick to point out another feature of the
Linux House: No Windows and no Gates.  Except for the one
Windows computer running as a DSM (Dedicated Solitaire
Machine), the entire house is 100% Microsoft free. (Unless
you count the picture of Bill Gates on the DARTboard
[Direct Action Retribution Target] in the procrastination
room.)

Several volunteer engineers are working on a 2.00 release
of the house.  "The blueprints are currently available
online under the BSD (Blueprint Source Distribution)
License and anybody can submit patches," Billy said. 
Planned improvements include a second floor that will house
a 128-node Beowulf cluster of Cray supercomputers connected
to an OC-48 pipe.   "I can afford this," said the dotcom
billionaire.  "After all, I'm using holograms for plants
and trees, which saves a bundle on landscaping and
gardening costs. It's not like I'm going to be outside much
anyways."

The upcoming version will also fix a few bugs in the
current design. "I should've put the kitchen near Tux's
beak," he said.  "And the Linus Torvalds Shrine needs to be
in a more prominent location in the center of the computer
room."

Built in 1998, Mr. O'Nair's Linux House 1.01 has gained
national attention. A recent issue of "Better Homes &
Gardens That You Can't Afford" featured a ten-page article
on the house. Next year the magazine is scheduled to
feature the daemon-shaped  "FreeBSD Garage" that he wants
to build for his Geekmobile.  He also has other
outbuildings on the drawing board, leaving the Linux House
as the kernel of his property.

Billy O'Nair's creation has also done wonders for the cause
of Linux advocacy in his local community.  A series of
articles in the Rattlesnake Ridge Browbeater-Crusader
Newspaper about the Linux House raised awareness of
bluescreen-free software alternatives. (Of course, the
newspaper reporters mispelled Linux as "Lenix" and referred
to the "Open Sores" movement numerous times [But we won't
pick at that -- The Editor].)

"I've really put this town on the map," Billy bragged.  "My
Linux House surpassed the World's Largest Kudzu Patch as
the region's most popular tourist attraction."

-
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