[humorix] Please Bow For The "King Of The Internet"

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Please Bow For The "King Of The Internet"
August 24, 2000

At a press conference held at Sony World Headquarters,
Steve Heckler declared himself in full and total control of
the Internet.  While aides put a crown on his head, he
said, "I will firewall Napster at the source -- I will
block it at the cable company, I will block it at the phone
company, I will block it at the ISP.  Nobody will use
Napster ever again.  Why? Because large corporations like
Sony control the Net.  And I'm now the King Of The
Internet."

As his first official act since assuming the crown as the
Net.King, Mr. Heckler issued a royal order demanding that
all computers running Napster would be firewalled from the
rest of the Internet. In addition, the domain names and IP
numbers for all boxes housing the DeCSS code, anti-Sony
websites, or Linux humor sites would be immediately
revoked.  

Jack Valenti, MPAA President, has been appointed by Heckler
as the new "Minister Of Information" and "Prince Of
Copyright Protection". Heckler said, "I give Mr. Valenti
full and complete power to do anything necessary to protect
the intellectual property of large corporations so as to
help feed starving musicians and movie producers who are
being deprived by freeloading Napster and DVD pirates."

"Piracy is futile," Prince Valenti snarled.  "Naspter users
will be assimilated and re-educated."

Heckler and Valenti might now claim royal power, but
nobody  has followed their orders yet.  After a Sony lackey
delivered the royal edict to Steve Case, head of America's
Only Line (AOL), he laughed for five minutes straight. 
"Who does this Heckler guy think he is?  _I'm_ the Lord of
the Internet!  I control a huge percentage of all Internet
access... how much does Sony control?  Huh?  I'm the one
who should be in charge."  

Techs at other Internet Service Providers were all equally
unimpressed by Heckler's rise to power.  "What is this PHB
going to do if we don't comply, huh?" said one system
administrator at a national ISP.  "Patrol the entire
Internet... er, SonyNet... with Sony Stormtroopers and then
send all non-compliers to the Sony Dungeon? If Heckler is
the Net.King, then I'm the Grand Poobah Of Cluesticks. My
first duty as Poobah will be deliver a whole truckload of
cluesticks to this Heckler idiot and any other corporate
executive who thinks that the entire Universe revolves
around them."

Several other geeks attempted to claim royal titles.  While
donning a makeshift crown made out of paper, one Dothead
said, "I am now the Crown Prince Of Boycotts.  We will
boycott Sony at the source -- we will block it at the mall,
we will block it at the cash register, we will block it at
the music store."

Jon Splatz, Humorixia Benevolent Dictator, was unavailable
for comment at press time.

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