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Re: [humorix] The Next Big Thing: "Clairvoyant Consultants"
You may think this is a joke but I don't. Both my bother and I use psi to
trouble shoot computers. Microsoft isn't very happy about how I find backdoors
in their OS or hidden IE directories. I just know. I have never reinstalled
Win 98 either. I know what upsets the machine and take care not to offend my AI
robot that Microsoft put on this machine. It speaks to me like a ghost out of
the ether.
Ballmer is terrified of me. I once predicted he was going to loose his voice if
he didn't shut up. He did and had to have surgery on his throat.
WELL, things just seem to come to me when I need them and I don't ask any
questions. Maybe it's coming from aliens or angels. I just learned a long time
a go to trust it. Almost everyone old timer who has been in the industry over 20
years talks about their psi abilities and tells stories of amazing things
happening. :-) You have to be a psychic to deal with Microsoft products and
development tools. Nothing about what they do makes any logical sense. :-)
J~
-----Original Message-----
From: James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>
To: Humorix Mailing List <humorix@nl.linux.org>
Date: Saturday, August 19, 2000 5:52 PM
Subject: [humorix] The Next Big Thing: "Clairvoyant Consultants"
|The Next Big Thing: "Clairvoyant Consultants"
|August 19, 2000
|
|Nobody likes to deal with tech support or customer service
|reps. A growing number of people are getting sick of being
|put on hold for three hours and then paying ridiculous "per
|incident" fees so some Microserf can tell them to
|"reinstall the operating system!"
|
|Desperate users are turning to an unlikely source to
|diagnose and fix software problems: psychics. Palm[Pilot]
|readers, 1-900 number operators, and clairvoyant
|consultants are quickly becoming the hottest careers in the
|tech sector.
|
|Explained Madam Cosmos, owner of the Main Street Mysticism
|Temple in Keokuk, Iowa, "With my special powers, I can
|track down the source of any problem. Got a rogue Registry
|entry that's causing Bluescreens? I'll find it. Missing a
|curly bracket in your Perl program but can't locate it
|because the error messages are so unhelpful? I'll know
|where it is even before you walk in my door."
|
|There's defintely no shortage of success stories. Said one
|Madam Cosmos client, "I was having trouble setting up PPP
|on my new Linux box. I spent hours searching for the damn
|text file where I'm supposed to configure the IPs of my
|ISP's DNS servers... boy do I hate acronyms. Madam Cosmos
|took out some tea leaves, did her thing, and
|"/etc/resolv.conf" appeared before her eyes. That was
|exactly what I needed to know. But what the hell is
|"resolv.conf" supposed to mean anyways?"
|
|Ms. Clair V. Oyent of San Jose, California has seen her
|business quadruple during the past year. "Two years ago I
|made all of my money on the usual fare: predicting winning
|lottery numbers, giving stock tips, reading Tarot cards.
|But not anymore. These days, all of my clients are geeks."
|
|"The strangest request I had," she continued, "came last
|week. The client, who looked suspiciously like a fairy
|penguin, wanted to know the source of all of the 'Benchmark
|Toner Supply' spams he kept getting every 3.2 minutes. It
|only took a few seconds of work to bring the address into
|focus on my crystal ball: BENCHMARK SUPPLY, 5334 LAKE VIEW
|CLUB, ATLANTA GA 30338. Upon hearing this information, the
|client grinned wryly and said, 'Mr. Benchmark will never
|send another spam to the Linux Kernel Mailing List ever
|again. Mwahahahaha!'"
|
|[Editor's Note: Just as this story went to press, we
|received a rumor that a certain building in Atlanta had
|been destroyed by fire. Investigators, according to this
|unreliable source, suspected arson. One eyewitness reported
|seeing "a strange tuxedo-wearing creature carrying a bottle
|of lighter fluid while munching on what appeared to be
|fish" just before the building burst into flames. We can
|only hope that this rumor is true.]
|
|The number of psychics offering tech-related services is
|expected to increase 1,000% during the next year. Said
|Mrs. Dee Viner, chairperson for the Southern California
|Association of Mystics, "It's like a gold rush out here.
|With all of the dotcoms downsizing or folding, many
|psychics have been able to lease office space for pennies
|on the dollar. For instance, when
|HotOnlineLivestockAuctions.com shut down its company
|bowling alley in order to save precious Venture Capital,
|they leased it to a soothsayer for just peanuts. Now
|Colina's Clairvoyant Consultant Company & Bowling Alley is
|raking in money, while the dotcom next door has about $15
|worth of assets."
|
|Companies are starting to rely on psychics, as well. One
|company recently replaced its system administrator with a
|clairvoyant consultant. "Our C.C. can track down a problem
|using her crystal ball much faster than our old tech
|could," said the President of Bob's Used Appliance
|Company. "Plus, our employees can get their fortunes told
|while on their coffee break. It's great."
|
|He added, "We're at the cusp of the next great trend in the
|company industry. Or at least, that's the future that my
|C.C. predicts."
|
|-
|Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
|Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/
|Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/
|
-
Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/
Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/