[humorix] The Next Big Thing: "Clairvoyant Consultants"

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

The Next Big Thing: "Clairvoyant Consultants"
August 19, 2000

Nobody likes to deal with tech support or customer service
reps.  A growing number of people are getting sick of being
put on hold for three hours and then paying ridiculous "per
incident" fees so some Microserf can tell them to
"reinstall the operating system!"

Desperate users are turning to an unlikely source to
diagnose and fix software problems: psychics.   Palm[Pilot]
readers, 1-900 number operators, and clairvoyant
consultants are quickly becoming the hottest careers in the
tech sector.

Explained Madam Cosmos, owner of the Main Street Mysticism
Temple in Keokuk, Iowa, "With my special powers, I can
track down the source of any problem.  Got a rogue Registry
entry that's causing Bluescreens? I'll find it.  Missing a
curly bracket in your Perl program but can't locate it
because the error messages are so unhelpful?  I'll know
where it is even before you walk in my door."

There's defintely no shortage of success stories.  Said one
Madam Cosmos client, "I was having trouble setting up PPP
on my new Linux box.  I spent hours searching for the damn
text file where I'm supposed to configure the IPs of my
ISP's DNS servers... boy do I hate acronyms.  Madam Cosmos
took out some tea leaves, did her thing, and
"/etc/resolv.conf" appeared before her eyes.  That was
exactly what I needed to know.  But what the hell is
"resolv.conf" supposed to mean anyways?"

Ms. Clair V. Oyent of San Jose, California has seen her
business quadruple during the past year.  "Two years ago I
made all of my money on the usual fare: predicting winning
lottery numbers, giving stock tips, reading Tarot cards. 
But not anymore. These days, all of my clients are geeks."

"The strangest request I had," she continued, "came last
week. The client, who looked suspiciously like a fairy
penguin, wanted to know the source of all of the 'Benchmark
Toner Supply' spams he kept getting every 3.2 minutes.  It
only took a few seconds of work to bring the address into
focus on my crystal ball: BENCHMARK SUPPLY, 5334 LAKE VIEW
CLUB, ATLANTA GA 30338.  Upon hearing this information, the
client grinned wryly and said, 'Mr. Benchmark will never
send another spam to the Linux Kernel Mailing List ever
again. Mwahahahaha!'"

[Editor's Note: Just as this story went to press, we
received a rumor that a certain building in Atlanta had
been destroyed by fire. Investigators, according to this
unreliable source, suspected arson. One eyewitness reported
seeing "a strange tuxedo-wearing creature carrying a bottle
of lighter fluid while munching on what appeared to be
fish" just before the building burst into flames.  We can
only hope that this rumor is true.]

The number of psychics offering tech-related services is
expected to increase 1,000% during the next year.  Said
Mrs. Dee Viner, chairperson for the Southern California
Association of Mystics, "It's like a gold rush out here. 
With all of the dotcoms downsizing or folding, many
psychics have been able to lease office space for pennies
on the dollar. For instance, when
HotOnlineLivestockAuctions.com shut down its company
bowling alley in order to save precious Venture Capital,
they leased it to a soothsayer for just peanuts.  Now
Colina's Clairvoyant Consultant Company & Bowling Alley is
raking in money, while the dotcom next door has about $15
worth of assets."

Companies are starting to rely on psychics, as well.   One
company recently replaced its  system administrator with a
clairvoyant consultant.  "Our C.C. can track down a problem
using her crystal ball much faster than our old tech
could," said the President of Bob's Used Appliance
Company.  "Plus, our employees can get their fortunes told
while on their coffee break. It's great."

He added, "We're at the cusp of the next great trend in the
company industry.  Or at least, that's the future that my
C.C. predicts."

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