[humorix] Achieve Fame And Fortune -- Hire A Script Kiddie!

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Achieve Fame And Fortune -- Hire A Script Kiddie!
July 28, 2000

Everybody has a gimmick.  A gang of Script Kiddies have
launched a new service called Dial-A-DOS (also known as
H1r3-4-Hax0r).  In exchange for cash, these Kiddies will
execute a Distributed Denial Of Service attack against your
own site.  

The founder of the company said over the phone (and yes he
really did talk like this, even on the phone), "ju5t l00k
4t kuro5hin.org.  s0m3 d15grun7l3d  h0t-gr1t-l0v1ng punkz
t4k3 +h3 s!t3 d0wn 4nd th3n +h3 s1t3 g3t5 a|| k1nd5 of
4tt3nt10n. Y0u c4n'7 6uy publ1c17y l1k3 th47 d00d.  W3||,
n0t unl355 y0u h1r3 us 37337 hax0rs 4t Dial-A-DOS. W3 c4n
d0 +h3 s4m3 7h1ng f0r y0ur und3r-4ppr3c1a7ed w3bs1t3 th4t
s0m3 Scr1p7 K1dd13 d!d f0r kuro5hin.  F0r +h3 r1gh7 pr1c3,
0f c0ur53."

Dial-A-DOS isn't alone in this industry, however.  Another
company called MafiaDotCom has emerged as a competitor, but
with a slightly different business plan. We found out about
this outfit last week when a shady figure representing the
"Godhacker" arrived at our door and announced, "The
Godhacker has taken an interest in your site.  Pay up or
else we'll hit it with a DOS attack.  Capiche?"

Our Vast Spy Network(tm) has been unable to ascertain
whether the Godhacker is truly the head of an international
crime syndicate or whether he's just some insecure Haxor
who couldn't tell the difference between a boot partition
or a swap partition.  Either way, we "paid up" by literally
burying the Godhacker under ten tons of Russian ruble
notes  (value: $2.53) that we hauled in via dump truck.  We
suspect he and his hired goons won't bother us again; if he
does we'll just send him another dump truck, this time
loaded with Mexican pesos -- and we'll shower him with
heavy, sharp-edged coins this time.

Not everybody is impressed with Dial-A-DOS's
get-publicity-quick scheme. "Why would you pay some
clueless idiot to crack into your system with a rootkit
when you can do that yourself in three seconds with a
recursive rm command as root?"  Our own Jon Splatz
muttered, "If the only way you can attract visitors to your
site is to stage a DOS attack, then you need to find a new
line of work in which you can put your obvious lack of
morals to good use -- such as a lawyer.  Well, strike that,
we certainly don't need any more attorneys..."

-
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