[humorix] The Operating System Holy War Erupts Again

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

The Operating System Holy War Erupts Again
June 27, 2000

YAKIMA, WA -- A new front has opened up in the ongoing
Software War between two computer stores in downtown
Yakima. Mom & Pop's Olde Time Computer Shoppe fired the
opening salvo by moving all of their Linux merchandise to
the "Entertainment" section in a hidden corner at the back
of the store.  Soon after, Colonel Panic's Software Bazaar
instituted a new policy requiring customers to undergo a
five-day waiting period before purchasing any Microsoft
products.  The town's Freedom To Innovate Association and
the Yakima Linux Yakkers User Group have declared war on
each other, with no end in sight.

The whole thing started last Wednesday, when  Mom & Pop
decided to reorganize their store. They shuffled Linux
stuff to the back, while Microsoft boxes remained in the
"Productivity" section at the front of the store. Soon
thereafter, Advo Casey, the Benevolent Dictator of the
Linux Yakkers Group,  discovered the switch. He went on
record as saying, "This is an outrage! To relegate Red Hat
Linux to the back of the store next to the dusty bin of
third-rate shareware games is beyond ludicrous! This means
war!"

Store co-owners Momar "Mom" Jones and Popeye "Pop" Moyer
defended their store's move. Said Momar, "As far as I'm
concerned, Linux is nothing but a game. The process of
repartitioning your hard drive, installing it, configuring
it, and editing lots of incomprehensible text files is a
challenge that even the best computer game couldn't match.
That's why we moved it to the 'Entertainment' section."

Popeye chipped in, "There's nothing productive about Linux.
Millions of geeks and geek wannabees are wasting countless
man-hours toiling away in their basements tinkering and
klutzing with Linux to get it to work the way they want.
Heck, we'd discontinue all Linux distros from our inventory
if wasn't for those annoying Linux zealots who swagger in
here every day demanding to know why we're the only store
in Washington that doesn't carry Black Hat... or Burned Hat
or Communist Helmet or whatever it's called."

Needless to say, the Linux users in town weren't about to
let this go unchallenged. Kurn L. Hacker, the proprietor of
the competing Colonel Panic's Software Bazaar, immediately
took action. He explained, "The Court has ruled that
Microsoft violated Federal anti-trust laws. Ergo, Microsoft
is a convicted felon. My store therefore requires all
customers to enter into a five-day 'cooling off period'
before purchasing Windows, so they can consider the
ramifications of giving money to a felonious organization.
Plus, Microsoft products have been shown to increase stress
-- and therefore heart attacks -- so this policy is for the
health and safety of my customers."

Once the opening shots were fired, the Freedom To Innovate
Association sent a formal Declaration of War to the Linux
Yakkers -- in Word .doc format, of course.  The Linux
zealots responded with a ping storm aimed at the Mom & Pop
website.  Although the situation remained non-violent, a
tense confrontation did occur at Franklin City Park on
Saturday when representatives of both sides got into a
shouting match.

Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed. Mom & Pop dumped all of
their remaining Linux inventory in the river, saying,
"What's ten boxes of Red Hat at the bottom of the Yakima
River? A darned good start!" Colonel Panic then slapped a
"Handling Fee" of 1000% on all Microsoft purchases to cover
his "mental anguish and fatigue at dealing with Microsoft
products." 

Other than those two incidents, however,  the Yakima Linux
War has so far been quiet.  Nevertheless, observers expect
that fighting could erupt at any time. "This same thing
happened last year in Boston," explained one geek culture
expert. "A group of Microsoft lovers started to make a
fuss, and the Mac and Linux users all got mad. That was
quite a mess."

Stay tuned to Humorix for biased updates to this story as
we make them up.

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