[humorix] This Fake News Article Is Sponsored By...

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

This Fake News Article Is Sponsored By...
June 19, 2000

The race is on for software companies to turn their
software into giant billboards and SMDS (Subliminal Message
Delivery Systems) in order to attract megabucks from
corporate sponsors. Microsoft is the lead innovator in this
field with all sorts of new non-features slated for Windows
Millennium. However, even Linux isn't immune: some Linux
distributors, who are bleeding money, are hoping to cash in
on the adware bonanza while it lasts.

Microsoft has already inked deals with McDonalds and Intel
to attach their jingles to Windows sound events.  Booting
the system? The Intel jingle plays. Shutting down? The
McDonalds tune plays along with the message "It's now safe
to turn off your machine -- and head to your nearest
McDonalds...". McDonalds is expected to pay $100 million
for the privilege of annoying computer users worldwide.

In addition, Microsoft has teamed up with the RIAA in an
unholy alliance to sell music. At random times, Windows
will play a 20-second song snippet, and then a modal dialog
box will pop up, asking "Do you want to hear more? Press
'Yes' and have your credit card handy. Otherwise, hit 'No'
five times and then CTRL-X to cancel". A Microsoft
spokesman reassured us that it will be possible for
end-users to disable this innovative feature by hacking an
entry twenty levels deep within the Registry.

But let's not get carried away with Microsoft bashing,
because Linux is also getting in on the game. Lots of geeks
like to read the kernel source code, which has provided
Linus Torvalds an opportunity to reap profits by inserting
advertisements within source comments. For instance, one
new file in the 2.2.17pre4 kernel contains this
comment-vert:

   Hi, this is Linus Torvalds speaking,
   your Benevolent Dictator. I'm typing
   this today to talk about EyeOpener(tm)
   brand caffeinated beverages, for those 
   really, really, _really_ long nights of
   kernel hacking. 

   EyeOpener(tm): When ordinary colas don't
   keep you awake for 72 hours straight.

Meanwhile, Linux distributors have been more than happy to
accept sponsorship money. Red Hat 7.0 is slated to show
advertisements during the kernel boot procedure. When the
kernel, for example, has probed your NIC, you might see an
ad saying "The kernel has determined that your Ethernet
card sucks. Check out the latest models from..." Or, when
fsck is working, you might see, "Checking and mounting your
drives would be much faster if you had a fast SCSI or
FireWire drive from..."

Several distributors also have their eyes set on turning
the X Window System into a giant billboard. "Hey, if
Microsoft can flood the desktop with promotional icons and
ISP tie-ins, then there's no reason we can't either,"
confided one anonymous  employee at S.u.S.E.  "If the user
doesn't want this stuff, they can simply hand-edit the 29
relevant configuration files. Most Windows users, however,
never bother to change the defaults, which is what we're
banking on here with Linux."

LinuxOne is trying to cash in, as well. This fly-by-night
one-man operation is apparently still in business. We've
heard rumors that  LinuxOne has inked deals to bundle its
distribution with the products of various companies,
including: Burglar Queen Happy Meals, Dominator's Pizzas,
Sugar-Choco-Bombs Cereal, and Dudwizzer Beer. Every single
program in the crippleware LinuxOne distro will be infested
with advertising. Sendmail will insert ads into any mail
message it handles, bash will display ads while you type in
commands, X will scroll ads on the root window -- and
that's just the tip of the iceberg. 

Most users we interviewed seemed indifferent to the adware
craze. "You can pry my copy of Red Hat 4.2 from my cold,
dead hard drive. I'm not touching anything more recent...
I'm doing everything possible to avoid corporate crap," one
old-timer said.

In related news, LinuxOne shares rose 50% from Friday's
close of US$0.00 to reach an all-time 52 week high of $0.00
on the NasFake market.

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