[humorix] Linux Conspirators Build Vast Orbital Internet Array

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Linux Conspirators Build Vast Orbital Internet Array
Matthew "I have a dotspace domain name" Adair
June 19, 2000

OUTER SPACE -- Plug In, Beam Out(tm). At least that's what
you can do by dialing in to the  Union of Penguinitic
GNUist Republics' new satellite constellation orbiting the
Earth. Last week the battleship G.S.S. Linusgrad deployed a
vast fleet of 256 miniature satellites at 26,000 miles
above the Earth, thus providing planetwide Internet
coverage. These mini-satellites act as routers for GNU-Net,
a service that connects the various dimensions dominated by
the UPGR. It's now possible to download a copy of  Red Hat
Linux in under 1.2 seconds via GNU-Net, which should help
Linux advocacy immensely.

The sudden surge in bandwidth has overwhelmed earth-bound
ISPs, which are rather upset. AOL (America's Only Line),
for instance,  has already pleaded with the Department of
Justice to launch an anti-trust investigation of the UPGR's
Internet venture. Steve Case announced in a press
conference, "The UPGR is building a  monopoly over Internet
access! Soon they will absorb and assimilate everyone and
force all of Earth to use its Internet access! We must stop
them  now, or we will see a future where information is
controlled by one  company." Upon hearing this, the
Linusgrad crew burst into raucous laughter.  "That's the
best line I've ever heard in this dimension," said the
ship's captain.

Certainly GNU-Net's policy against access by Windows
computers has infuriated Microsoft Chief Monopoly Architect
Bill Gates. He (or actually a PR flak, but it doesn't
matter) wrote in a press release today, "If an organization
as big as the UPGR is willing to provide  Linux-only
Internet access, then that means that we have competition.
Which means we don't have a monopoly!  We're going to win
on appeal! I just hope the Appeals Court justices are
paying attention."

An emergency meeting of the "Opposing Threats To Our
Campaign Contributors" Congressional committee was held
earlier today.  Senator Fatcatte (R-Washington) bellowed,
"The UPGR has surrounded our planet in its web of
propaganda. They seek to destroy a whole series of large
businesses by monopolizing Internet access.  Many of these
same companies are our largest campaign contributions!  We
must put a stop to this conspiracy concocted by the
Helsinkian Underground!"

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