[humorix] Microsoft's Anti-Piracy Policy Promotes Piracy

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Microsoft's Anti-Piracy Policy Promotes Piracy
June 18, 2000

REDMOND, WA -- Microsoft is causing quite a stir over new
policies that prevent OEMs from including Windows CDs with
new systems. Even though they have paid the Microsoft Tax,
supplicants...er, customers... will only receive "Recovery
CDs" (expensive drink coasters) and computers with the
Windows "Certificate Of Authenticty" (warning labels)
permanently attached. One Microsoft spokesdroid said,
"These innovative policies are designed to combat piracy.
It's for the protection of our valued customers." However,
preliminary research conducted by Humorix indicates that
this new policy will actually increase piracy -- and how!

The Humorix Vast Research Labs Of Doom(tm) decided to
research this matter by purchasing two machines: one from a
reputable Microsoft-endorsed manufacturer, the other from a
shady reseller who includes unlicensed copies of Windows
with each system for... um... (wink, wink) 'testing
purposes only'.  We paid US $1,200 for a SpottedCow(tm)
brand PC from Gateway 19100 and $700 for an virtually
identical white box from an eBay seller with dubious
feedback.

Except for cosmetic differences, both machines were the
same. They both came with Windows 98 pre-installed, but
neither shipped with usable Windows media (except for AOL
discs). Both copies of Windows had a MTBF of about 10
minutes, both featured Solitaire, and both sucked equally
hard. However, we didn't pay the Microsoft Tax for one of
them.

The upshot is that, with the SpottedCow box, we paid $50
for Windows but received nothing to show for it except some
random magnetic impulses on the hard drive (and a Windows
COA label that even a nuclear blast couldn't budge). With
the eBay white box, we paid $0 for Windows and received
nothing to show for it except some random magnetic impulses
on the hard drive. The latter copy, of course, wasn't
"legal", but we didn't expect that ethical dilemma to last
much beyond FORMAT C: and lilo: linux.

So, in the future, Humorix is only going to buy machines
from dubious anonymous sellers that include Windows "for
novelty purposes only". If we're going to receive nothing,
we sure aren't going to pay anything more than nothing for
it.

Moreover, we expect others to do the same. The demand for
pirated Windows pre-installations should skyrocket.
Confided one eBay retailer, "This is the best news coming
out of Redmond I can remember... bids at my auctions have
already jumped. Gateway 19100, CompUSSR, Dull Computers,
and Conpaq will all be out of business by X-mas as shoppers
all opt for medialess computers without media prices.

Said one person we interviewed, "Shut the hell up! If
everyone finds out about this little... uh... secret, then
the Microsoft Piracy Police will swoop in with their
unmarked black helicopters and put a heavy-handed stop to
this. I can only imagine what kinds of 'anti-piracy'
policies the Microserfs will think up in response to
this... Receiving the death penalty for using an unlicensed
copy of Windows? I can see it. Then again, being forced to
use Windows is only one step below capital punishment
anyways..."

A certain formally-dressed individual waddled up to this
Humorix reporter and said while munching on herring,
"Microsoft sees Linux users as a bunch of pirates. Just as
jolly-roger-bearing pirates of yore stole treasure, Linux
'pirates', according to Microsoft, steal operating system
marketshare. So these new policies really are
anti-piracy... er, I mean anti-Linux.  Windows sheep won't
try Linux because they know they won't be able to recover
their Windows system if their Red Hack Linux installation
happens to go awry. This is all a Microsoft strategy
designed to thwart Linux users from pirating... er,
rightfully taking... Windows marketshare."

However, another strangely dressed individual, this time
wielding a sharp pitchfork, responded, "Nah, this is the
perfect opportunity to advocate Open Source software!  It's
impossible to distribute pirated copies of FreeBSD or That
Other System That Rhymes With Cynics, so users won't ever
have to  face these draconian restrictions if they boycott
proprietary software. Once Joe Schmoe gets burned because
he can't reinstall Windows after the Registry corrupts
(again), then he'll think twice about paying something for
nothing."

Then he added with an evil grin before vanishing in a puff
of red smoke, "No, this harebrained Microsoft policy is
going to backfire in the long run... the DOJ doesn't need
to split up Microsoft when Bill Gates can blissfully do
that himself..."

-
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