[humorix] MP3's Are Ripping Band Off -- Says High-Priced Lawyer

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

MP3's Are Ripping Band Off -- Says High-Priced Lawyer
Dave Finton, surazal@nerp.net
May 17, 2000

A few weeks ago Metallica condemned the actions of 96% of
its fan base when it announced a lawsuit against Napster,
Inc.  Today in a followup press release Metallica's chief
lawyer further raised MP3 users' ire by claiming that they
were "ripping Metallica off" and would persue legal action
to the fullest extent of the law, "no matter how long it
takes".

"These MP3 users are taking money straight from my client's
pocket," said Metallica's lawyer in an exclusive interview
with Humorix reporters.  As he lit up a Cuban cigar with a
hundred dollar bill and puffed leisurely into the air, he
continued, "I will make sure these actions against my
client are stopped, even if it means suing every single
person who ever downloaded a Metallica song over the
internet.  If necessary, I'll work on this case
continuously for the next twenty years, 365 days a year, 8
hours a day, $200 an hour.

"I'm gonna make a killing!" he added.

Lars Ulrich, drummer for Metallica, chimed in, saying,
"We'll spend every cent we have to fight this.  How can we
stand by while MP3 users inflict millions in theoretical
damages against us by violating outdated and arbitrary
copyright laws designed and written by multi-billion dollar
businesses who are more interested in protecting their
somewhat illegally amassed wealth than in ushering in a new
age of collaboration and progress? Our fans must be brought
in line now!"

Metallica's lawyer followed this up by jumping up and down
yelling, "Yes!  There _is_ a sucker born every minute!  I'm
gonna be rich!!!  Cha-ching!"

Lars finished off the interview by arguing, "The bottom
line is that nobody has a natural right to listen to music
for free." I flipped on a portable radio, which just
happened to be tuned to a station playing a Metallica song.
Lars and his lawyers said in unison, "OH MY GAWD! How did
we forget about radio? We'll sue every person who has ever
listened to a Metallica song for free on the radio! We've
hit the jackpot! Cha-ching! Cha-ching!"

-
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/