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[humorix] Microsoft Split in Two!

Microsoft Split in Two!
Matthew "There is no conspiracy" Adair, linux_ys@yahoo.com
May 14, 2000
from the i-don't-think-the-judge-meant-it-literally dept.

REDMOND, WA -- The people of Redmond were jostled out of
their normal life routine as a gigantic LASER struck the
offices of Microsoft, spliting the campus in two and
leaving behind a massive rift in the ground. All work has
stopped at One Microsoft Way on the progress of the goal of
One Microsoft Way as Borg drones crash into each other.

"I hate this!", complained one unnamed Microserf.  "I was
going to send my sub-adjunct this status report and then
ZAP!, this giant LASER comes down and blows my Ethernet
line, not to mention my PC, to bits. Damn Open Source
zealots, now I can't get any work done!"

After the LASER attack, all Microserf eyes immediately
turned to the Andover.Net Geek Compound in Holland,
Michigan. Last week several Microsoft hired goons (lawyers)
descended on the Geek Compound demanding that Slashdot
replace a recent anti-Microsoft article with Bill Gates'
"The Case For Microsoft" editorial.  Certainly Rob Malda
had the desire and motivation to forcibly split Microsoft
in two, but he denies any connections with the attack.
"I've been too busy cashing in my stock options and
preparing my Webby Awards acceptance speech to worry about
such trivial matters as destroying the world's most evil
corporation."

However, the mystery was settled hours later by the
appearance of a large orbiting spacecraft. The UFO used
sophisticated technology to broadcast  the following
message to all television sets in the world:

  We interrupt "Who Wants To Be Embarrased On National TV
  By Regis Philbin" to bring you this warning from the
  spacecraft G.S.S. Linusgrad. We have detected a virus on
  your world called Microsoft. It will strangle your legal
  and economic systems and result in a global Segfault that
  will destroy civilization as you know it. A similar event
  occured 65 million years ago in which the dinosaurs faced
  extinction at the hands of 'Tyrannosoft'.

  We are taking matters into our own hands to ensure that
  the GNUist Revolution(tm) extends through all possible
  universes and dimensions, including this one. We have
  already executed Stage 1 in our plan -- though not
  entirely successfully, as we meant to fully disintegrate
  Microsoft into ten billion pieces instead of exactly two,
  but we're still satisfied. 

  Long live the GNUist Revolution!
 
  That is all.

Agent Double-Oh Zero, the head of our Vast Spy Network(tm),
has managed to acquire a screen dump of the terminal
display on the U.S.S. Linusgrad as the LASER was fired.  We
asked Mr. Zero how he happened to obtain this document, but
the 83 year old spy simply said, "I forget."

  [UPGR.GSSLinusgrad.localhost]$ cd /bin/weapons/alan-parsons-proj/
  [UPGR.GSSLinusgrad.localhost]$ LASERcom
  Welcome to LASERcom 1.0 -- LASER Annilhilates Software Empires Rapidly
  Arming LASER... done.
  Please specify intensity (0-Sunburn; 9-Supernova): 9
  Please specify target: Microsoft HQ, Redmond, WA, USA, Sol III
  Searching... Target locked on Bill Gates' office.
  Ready to fire (Yes/Sure/Fine/OK)? Y
  Building charge... done.
  Firing in 5... 4... 3... 2... 
  LASER Energized... done!
  Target Eliminated.
  Thank you for using LASERcom, an evil program designed
  by Comrade Penguin.  There Is No Conspiracy(tm).
  [UPGR.GSSLinusgrad.localhost]$ wall "Mission accomplished.
  There'll be a party held on Deck 3 at 1800 hours to
  celebrate. Free beer and speech for everyone!"

Microsoft Chief Software Architect & Money Counter Bill
Gates immediately announced, "We knew there was something
fishy about the Evil GNUist Conspiracy. It's a
trans-dimensional plot to take over everything and infect
all universes with Open Source software! However, we are
pleased to announce to our end-users that Microsoft is
developing an innovative space platform to attack all
threats to our suplica... err, users. Features will include
the ability to attack through multiple probablitiy levels,
which will allow us to strike bcak at the UPGR homeworld of
Earth (probable version 8493257198251257956) and put an end
to this menace."

The response Bill Gates received was this:  "We of the UPGR
laugh at this. More than likely the features described
won't make the cut, and if they do they will be buggy as
all hell. Our GNUist Starships use a special mix of BSD and
Linux, ensuring maximum stability and usability. I assure
you that your Space Station 1.0 will not survive long. The
universe is a cold, cold place, Mr. Gates, so I hope you
have a space suit on..."

We have already traced this message to the basement of
Humorix World Headquarters, which leads us to the
conclusion that a Humorix employee is actually a GNUist
operative (although it's not James Baughn since we all know
he's a computer generated program written in Perl). Our
options are limited to Jon Splatz, Dances With Herring, and
Mat... oops, ignore that. I am not the spy. I have no ties
with the UPGR. I am not ComradePenguin
[http://slashdot.org/users.pl?nick=ComradePenguin]. Once
and for all, I tell you that There Is No Conspiracy(tm)! So
stop bugging me!

-
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