[humorix] The Horrible, Terrible Email Virus Conspiracy!

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

The Horrible, Terrible Email Virus Conspiracy!
May 4, 2000

NEW HAVEN, CT -- The truth is out there... at the First
Annual Connecticut Conspiracy Convention, being held this
week at the beautiful Offramp Motel. ConConCon is billed as
the largest ever gathering of conspiracy theorists east of
the Mississippi. Earlier today, preeminent conspiracy
expert Bob Smith (not his real code-name) hosted a
roundtable discussion about possible government or
corporate cover-ups surrounding the recent rash of email
viruses.

Bob Smith started the discussion with his own pet
conspiracy theory. He explained:

   The new "I Love You" virus is not the work of some
   snot-nosed acne-laced teenager working from a basement
   in the Phillipines. It's actually part of a conspiracy
   concocted by the unholy alliance of Microsoft and
   several  well-known and well-despised spammers.

   You'll notice that the ILOVEYOU, Melissa, and Tuxissa
   strains all extract email addresses from the victim's
   system. This is a gold mine for spammers, who are able
   to use these viruses to harvest active email addresses
   for them. Everytime ILOVEYOU, for instance, propogates,
   it keeps track of all the email addresses it has been
   sent to, so that when it finally boomerangs back to a
   spammer, they have a nice convenient list of addresses
   to send "laser printer toner" and "get rich quick!"
   advertisements to.

   Meanwhile, Microsoft laid the groundwork for these
   outbreaks by infecting computers worldwide with Outlook
   (or should I say, "Lookout!"). It's not entirely clear
   what Microsoft hopes to get out of this conspiracy; I do
   know they will probably received a very accurate listing
   of the email addresses of millions of clueless Windows
   users.

Another vocal member of the panel, Senator Fattecat (R-WA),
strongly disagreed with Smith's theory. He argued:

   There's a conspiracy here, but Bill Gates is not the one
   in charge. I place the blame for Outlook viruses
   squarely on the shoulders of Linus Torvalds, who is
   really a front for the horrible Helsinkian 
   Underground.  They've obviously subverted the Microsoft
   Marketing Department with Linux weenies who convinced
   other Microserfs that "automatically executed email
   scripting" would be a cool thing to have in Outlook.  

   Why? One, so they could compile a listing of clueless
   Windows users who would be ripe for Linux assimilation.
   Two, countless PHBs who received LOVE-LETTERS will now
   think twice about Microsoft Outlook, and might even
   consider migrating to that Linux thing they read about
   in a trade rag while sitting on the can. Can you say
   "Linux World Domination?" 

Everybody broke into laughter after Fattecat finished his
spiel. "There are conspiracy theories, and then there are
lunatic paranoid rants," one audience member shouted. "The
only reason Senator Fattecat was elected last season was
because of sizable campaign contributions from Microsoft.
Now that's your conspiracy."   

One discussant, a curiously shaped creature wearing what
appeared to be a tuxedo, said:

   What a minute, folks. This could be the beginning of an
   anti-Linux conspiracy. Right now hundreds of Anonymous
   Cowards are cheering the fact that only Windows boobs
   are victims of ILOVEYOU. I realize Outlook is so
   insecure that using it is like posting a sign outside
   your door saying, "DOOR UNLOCKED -- ROB ME!". However,
   Linux isn't immune. If I had a dollar for every pine
   buffer overflow uncovered, I could buy a truckload of
   fresh herring.

   I expect the next mass email virus to spread will be
   cross-platform. If the recipient is a Windows/Outlook
   luser, they'll get hit. If the recipient is a Linux/Pine
   user, they'll find themselves staring at a
   self-executing bash script that's has just allocated 1
   terabyte of memory and crashed the system (or worse). If
   the recipient is a BeOS user... well, I'm sure there's
   security flaws is that, too.

   Either that or the next mass email virus will only
   damage Linux systems. I can just see Bill Gates
   assigning some junior programmer that very task.  Be
   afraid.  Be very afraid.

Another attendee speculated:

   We're all overlooking the biggest evil conspirator of
   all: the US government. These virii were probably spread
   by them to justify more Net regulation. Email taxes...
   Net access license tests... NSA monitoring programs
   embedded in every copy of Windows ("For Your
   Protection")... death penalty for encryption use... it's
   all possible. Big Brother is out to get us!

The speaker's use of "virii" prompted the spelling and
grammar freaks to enter into a frenzy, acting as if they
were posting to Slashdot instead of speaking at a serious
convention.  After that died down, somebody joked:

   If there's a government conspiracy, then we won't live
   to tell anyone about it. Think about it: we're sitting
   at the largest congregation of conspiracy theorists
   ever. If you were an NSA agent, wouldn't you be tempted
   to "accidentally" detonate a portable bomb nearby and
   wipe everyone out? Heck, they probably arranged this
   whole convention, those spooky bastards!

The roundtable discussion soon ended so everyone could
attend the keynote speech at 11 o'clock entitled: "Elian
Gonzalez Isn't Really An Illegal Alien -- He's An Illegal
Space Alien."

---

James Baughn

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