[humorix] Responses To Proposed Microsoft Breakup

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Responses To Proposed Microsoft Breakup
May 3, 2000

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The DOJ stunned the world last week
when it announced intentions to break Microsoft into two
Baby Bills. When the news broke, Linux users were jumping
up and down, but Wall Street tycoons were jumping out of
windows.  Now that the dust has settled, Humorix
interviewed several people to find out their reaction to
the proposed breakup...

MICHAEL COWPLAND (CEO of Corel): I can't believe I'm going
to say this: In this rare case, what's bad for Microsoft is
bad for the country. All the pundits predict that if
Microsoft is broken up, the Apps division will immediately
port Office to Linux.  Hello, is that a good thing? No! 
They'll find a way to monopolize the Linux productivity
software market, which is the only thing saving Corel from
bankruptcy right now. I suspect that a breakup is exactly
what Bill Gates has been secrely hoping for, since it will
provide him the opportunity to vanquish his last remaining
competitors!

BILL GATES: How the hell did you get into my mansion?  I
spent three million dollars on barbed wire fences, guard
dogs, crocodile-filled moats, automatic machine guns, and
highly-trained body guards to keep you Linux freaks off my
property!

[We pretended to be DOJ agents led by Janet Reno raiding
the mansion to liberate the Windows source code to its
rightful parents, Apple and Xerox.  The butler didn't
believe our story, so we ended up crawling through an open
window. -- The Editor]

Aw, crap, my ActivePoisonGas program has bluescreened
again.  You should be choking with deadly gasses right now
while I eject to safety in Nevada. Stupid piece-of-crap
Windows 2000... er, um, you didn't hear me say that. I
don't have time for this. I have a meeting in ten minutes
with the President of Heipistan about our plan to relocate
all Microsoft offices to his country -- which,
incidentally, doesn't have any anti-trust laws but does
serve the death penalty for copyright violations.

LINUS TORVALDS: If Microsoft uses the breakup as an
opportunity to port Office, and its infernal Dancing Paper
Clip, to my Linux operating system, heads will fly!  I'll
track down that idiot who created Clippit and sic a killer
penguin on him!

ANONYMOUS COWARD: What I'd like to see is a prohibition on
Microsoft incorporating multi-megabyte Easter Eggs and
other stupid bloatware into Windows and Office. A typical
computer with pre-installed Microsoft shoveware probably
only has about 3 megabytes of hard drive space free because
of flight simulators, pinball games, and multimedia credits
Easter Eggs that nobody wants.  I predict that if Microsoft
is ever forced to remove these things, the typical user
will actually be able to purchase competing software now
that they have some free space to put it on.  Of course,
stock in hard drive companies might plummet...

JOE SCHMOE ON THE STREET: We need a three-way breakup:
Operating Systems, Applications, and
Marketing/Legal/Leeches.  The Microsoft Marketing division
is the single most important part of Microsoft; without it,
the other two Baby-Bills will collapse under their own
bloat. The court, of course, would have to prohibit
Microsoft Marketing from merging with Ziff-Davis, as such a
marriage would produce an evil far greater than the old
Microsoft (If you think John Taschek or Jesse Berst are on
the Microsoft payroll now, just wait until they really
are!).

LOCAL "TECHNOLOGY PUNDIT":  If you feel that Windows or
your applications hang too often or cause page faults that
require you to reboot, be very scared. Microsoft divisions
all have access to each other and try to build a stable
product. How bad will it get when they are different
companies that will not have access to each other's code?
My biggest fear is that it will get very ugly indeed, with
the stability of our programs at stake.

[Editor's Note: As Dave Barry says, we are not making this
up. These words actually appeared in the local newspaper
yesterday.  Who needs to write fake news when you have your
own Jesse Berst wannabe right in your own town?]

TYPICAL DOTHEAD: If Microsoft's monopoly is destroyed, what
will we have left to bash and poke fun at?  My whole life
revolves around Linux, and Slashdot, and flaming Bill
Gates.  Does this mean I'm going to have to get a life in
the offline world?  That'll never happen.  I suppose I'll
have to pick on AOL, but that's just not as much fun.

---

James Baughn

-
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/