[humorix] Weenie Wars Erupt In Silicon Valley!

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Weenie Wars Erupt In Silicon Valley!
Dave Finton, surazal@nerp.net
April 19, 2000

      Unrelated Stock News: Dwight Erlenmeyer's Rear Raises
      $400,000,000 in successful IPO; "Profits, my ass"
      declares CEO

Today investors, analysts, and bathroom attendents all
across Silicon Valley were up in arms over the start of
what many people referred to as "Weenie Wars".  Weenies
working over at the Redmond, WA campus of Microsoft
Headquarters(tm) threw down the gauntlet Thursday when it
was discovered that a DLL contained the Microsoft Certified
Encrypted (the text was reversed) string "Netscape
engineers are weenies!"

"This is War," declared Microsoft Chairman Bill "I'm The
Biggest Weenie Of Them All" Gates.  "We *will* destroy
Netscape yet.  Damn you, Steve Case!"

Netscape weenies, who also share some overlap with the
Mozilla weenies, welcomed the challenge and have already
taken measures to ensure a successful couterattack.  "The
Mozilla Weenie Team have not taken this lying down," said
Steve Case, Head Weenie of AOL, Time Warner, CNN, and the
remaining northern half of the Western hemisphere.  "The
open source nature of our browser gives us more than enough
firepower to humiliate Gates' pet weenies into
submission!"  Case then went on a taunting spree, pointing
at the television camera and adressing Gates personally "I
own CNN, I own CNN!  Thhhpppppppt!!!" while sticking his
toungue out.

Eric Raymond, gun-toting flute-playing weenie, told
reporters that "While I was looking through the Mozilla
source code, I saw that someone inserted the phrase 'Billy
is a weenie!  Nyah nyah nyah' at the top, and below that a
ASCII text image of a guy mooning the reader.  This was
inserted at the beginning of every source file.  It was
frikkin' hilarious!"

"It wasn't just a scanned-in image, either," said Raymond
with awe in his voice.  "Someone actually took the time to
create the ASCII image with his bare hands.  It was
beautiful: Art at its highest!"  Raymond then wiped a tear
from his eye.

Slashdot weenies are, as usual, raising a maelstorm over
the matter. The entire internet experienced the brunt of
the force of the Slashdot Effect.  It was a day network
administrators around the world would never forget.

"My God!  The router!  This purple flame shot out of it! 
It was horrible!" screamed George Guy, an weenie employee
of UUNet, now undergoing rehabilitation.  "I hadn't seen
anything like it since that Monika Lewinsky thing came
out!  Oh wait, there was that DeCSS thing.  My insurance
company has threatened not to pay for my phychiatrist's
medical bills; it's in the thousands this week alone!"

Richard Stallman, a weenie who for some odd reason has this
thing with large hairy mammalian herding weenie animals,
declared this day a "blow against our natural right to
share with our neighbors.  In fact, last week my neighbor
Frank said 'Um, Richard, thanks for the free GNU/Linux CD,
but I don't even own a computer.  I appreciate the thought,
but please don't come over again.'  See?  This is obviously
a nefarious plot to undermine our freedoms!"

No one knows how this Silicon Valley soap opera will last. 
God willing, someone out there will put those responsible
out of their misery soon.  "These employees must be
punished.  They violated the laws set forth by their
superiors," said marketing weenie Jill Smith.  "They will
be dealt with in the appropriate manner."  She then pushed
an evil button that did evil things to handsome
international spies with numerical aliases (whose boss has
an alphabetical one).

"This is a highly critical and relavent issue in world
affairs. Things like this could make or break the
technology market, and thus the world market.  Let us be
thankful that important developments in the computer
industry are guided by infantile, hostile emotions over
trivialities.  Where would the world be otherwise?" said
some guy who was obviously a communist idealist and a
proponent of the subversive "freeware" movement, whereby
"hackers" hope to make multibillion-dollar companies
actually responsible for their actions.

What does this mean for Humorix readers?  Absolutely
nothing.
-
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