[humorix] Update: Microsoft To Build Orbital Post

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Update: Microsoft To Build Orbital Post
Matthew Adair, linux_ys@yahoo.com
April 15, 2000

Recently Humorix mentioned rumors that Microsoft had
launched its ProfitKeeper missiles at the Space Station Mir
in response to the purchase of the aging USSR space relic
by Rob Malda. However, records from our Spy Satellite
Number 2 tell a different story: the missiles overshot the
station by several thousand miles.  Not because of a BSoD,
but because Microsoft is engaging in a darker, more
insidious plan.

Our correspondent and Mir maintenance chief Pitr tells us,
"It seems that Microsoft's missiles are not missiles at
all.  They are proton boosters stolen from the RSA painted
to look like Microsoft ProfitKeeper(tm) warheads. According
to our radar, these proton boosters carry what appears to
be the components of a space station."

The Vast Spy Network was able to acquire an internal
Microsoft email giving us deeper insight into Chairman
Bill's plans.

---

Subject: Windows 2001 -- An Innovative Odyssey
From: William H. Gates III, boss@mail.microsoft.com
To: Space Station 1.0 Development Team Members
X-Sender: Mozilla 6.0 (Rat Head Linux)
X-Security-Notice: This memo is confidential!  Do NOT let
   it outside of HQ!  Do not -- I repeat -- DO NOT allow
   this to fall into the hands of Humorix's Vast Spy
   Network... We all know what happened the last time they
   intercepted an internal document!

Dear Microserfs,

Recent events in the Linux world are disturbing.  Not only
did Mr. Malda purchase Mir, but Mr. Eric "Internal Memo
Thief" Raymond is working on some project called
GNU/Conquest, apparently a weapon of mass destruction.
Let's not forget about the whole GNUist Conspiracy problem
[Editors Note: There is no conspiracy].  Finally, the
barrage of anti-trust lawsuits courtesy of the "Justice"
Department is only going to get worse.  I'm really getting
worried about the security of Microsoft.  It's time that we
start to think big. Very big. Much bigger than battleships.

We must take to the stars to ensure Microsoft
Innovation(tm) will continue into the next Millennium(tm).
That is why I suggest we build a massive orbital command
center to assist the defense of this establisment. We
currently have the systems to do this: Our DirectSquish(tm)
weapons are easily adaptable to space, and I have recently
made *ahem* arrangements... for access to high power
rockets.

We must build this space station. We cannot allow the only
station in space to be running an open-source [Editors
Note: Richard Stallman would like to remind you that the
correct term is "free software"] operating system. That
would be a disgrace to everything we hold dear. We must
prove, once and for all, that American Ingenuity(tm) will
always overcome evil Russian and Finnish excuses for
"technology".

[Technical details snipped for brevity]

Yours in capitalism,

William Gates

---

Rob Malda posted an article on Slashdot stating that "maybe
that Anti-Krul Laser(copyleft) is a good idea after all.
Supervirii [sic] weapons are starting to sound quite
intresting [sic] too..." Eric Raymond has been quoted as
yelling, "GNU/Conquest is not a weapon of mass destruction!
It's an RPG! I swear! Compared to ActiveNuke, it is
completely benign!"

The RSA has demanded retribution for the stolen proton
boosters, ordering, "We demand payment for our stolen
hardware or we shall send the Russian Army to crush your
puny stuffed-shirt office workers!"

A representative of the fabled "GNUist" organization told
us, "Mr. Malda has little to worry about. We have been
working in secret with Transme... wait, you weren't
supposed to hear that. Ignore everything I just said.  We
must remind you once again that There Is No Conspiracy. At
least none we can speak of at the moment."

-
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