[humorix] Microsoft X-Box: A First Look

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Microsoft X-Box: A First Look
Ewout Stam, teraiten@yahoo.com
April 11, 2000
from the BSoD-on-your-tv dept.

Thanks to the diligent efforts of our Vast Spy Network(tm),
we've been able to obtain a pre-pre-pre-alpha prototype of
the X-Box, Microsoft's new gaming console designed to
monopolize the console market.  We spent several hours of
quality research time playing the games included with the
unit, although, in the end, we really weren't that
impressed with it.

When we first obtained the X-Box, we wanted to know what
underlying platform it used. Recently several Anonymous
Cowards speculated on Slashdot that the system was actually
based on the X Window System.  "The X-Box is a box with X
on it. QED," one argued.  Another AnonCow rebutted, "No,
the X-Box runs a modified Win2K kernel.  Bill Gates is
purposefully using the name X-Box to attract and deceive
Linux fans.  It's all a conspiracy."

After setting up the X-Box in the Humorix Lab of Doom(tm)
it was immediately clear that it was running Windows 2000. 
The blue screen was a dead giveaway.

Eventually we were able to successfully boot the X-Box and
fire up several pre-installed games, including:

* Penguin Bash 

As a Microserf character, you must hunt and squish
penguins, Linux longhairs, Linux converts, anti-trust
lawyers, and men wearing red hats.  After completing each
level, you must defeat a Boss, such as Richard M. Stallman
(who rants and raves about "GNU/Linux", causing your
eardrums to explode), Eric S. Raymond (who is quite a
skilled Geek With Guns), Tux Penguin (who can charge at
speeds in excess of 100 MPH), the BSD Daemon (who holds an
extremely sharp pitchfork), and other assorted Open Source
characters.

After killing each Boss you receive a Borg implant with
additional powers, including "Assimilating Linux Converts",
"Slinging FUD At Your Opponents", and "Firing
Competition-Keeper Missiles".  Levels include The Bazaar,
The Anti-Trust Court, The Linux User Group Meeting, and The
Command Line.

* Age of Monopolies

This is a simulation game in which you are the president of
your own computer business.  Starting with a small store
located in your basement, you gain knowledge and skill by
selling Microsoft products.  When your knowledge reaches a
certain level, you are able to sell the store and raise
enough capital to buy expensive programming software (i.e.
Visual Batchfile and ActiveEdlin) to open up a software
design firm.

Then you can set up your own network using cheap software
such as FreeBS(o)D. If your network becomes popular enough,
you can have your own kind of Internet called MSN (My Slow
Notwork).

Eventually, when you become the World's Richest
Monopolist(R), you are accused of violating archaic
anti-trust laws by the Department of Injustice.  You'll
have to talk, talk, bullshit, talk, delay software release
dates, talk, talk, bullshit, and give hype-laden speeches. 
The game is incredibly difficult to win from this point on.

* Valley Rally

In this game you race through the streets of Silicon
Valley, hoping to avoid the traffic and not run over any
Venture Capitalists. Some of the vehicles you can drive
include:

- The Microsoft Darn-fast Open-roofed Smooth-feel-car
  (MS-DOS)
- The FreeB(u)S-D
- The Real Mach3 Speed-thing (RMS)
- The Windows (a 100% glass car in the form of one big
  window)
- The X-windows (a 100% glass car with Xs on it. This car
  is fast and cheap, but not optimized for every track. It
  will need a reconfiguration for every new track it comes
  along)

This game's playability was ruined by an insidious bug that
affected the vehicles, particularly "The Windows". Braking
and throttling at the same time invariably caused the car
to change into a blue color and come to a sudden halt and
start beeping endlessly.  We also discovered that when
driving The Windows, the stop lights on the track would
sometimes turn blue (with white unreadable letters) instead
of green, preventing the car from advancing.  A well-placed
Microsoft source tells us that this is a normal "feature"
and will be included in the final version.

* Solitaire

Of course, no Microsoft product would be complete without
Solitaire, FreeCell, and Minesweeper.  If the X-Box does
become successful, we suspect that the total productivity
of the world will drop by at least 5% as everyone wastes
countless hours playing Solitaire in front of their TV.  

The X-Box does include the capability to take screenshots,
but they are dumped to an unusable proprietary file
format.  It's our understanding that this format will only
be readable in Office 2003 (Both the X-Box and Office 2003
are expected to be released in 2005).

Overall, we were not that thrilled with the X-Box.  Of
course, the big "Microsoft" logo on the front is a definite
minus.  Also, we really can't take any gaming platform
seriously unless it has the ability to play XBill.

-
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