[humorix] Microsoft Cockroach Squisher

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Microsoft Cockroach Squisher: 
  The First Steps Towards WWIII?

Nick Sandru, ns@sandes.dk
March 27, 2000

Last month Humorix reported on Microsoft's announcement of
DirectSquish(tm), the Cockroach Squishing feature to be
included in BloatOffice 2005. Microsoft spokesdroids have
showcased DirectSquish as form of entertainment for
BloatOffice users (who otherwise would face two options:
die of stress-induced illnesses caused by bluescreens, or
die of boredom caused by watching those nasty dancing
paperclips).  According to our sources, however,
DirectSquish serves a far more sinister purpose that
Microsoft is keeping under a thick veil of secrecy.

Some pundits have argued that DirectSquish is a feature
designed to destroy  bugs (allegedly a kind of genetically
engineered grasshoppers, or GEGs) planted by Humorix's Vast
Spy Network(tm).  This is not entirely true. According to
unconfirmed reports collected and transmitted by Humorix's
GEGs from within Microsoft's new flagship, the "M.S.S.
Windooze 2K"[1], the Cockroach Squisher software is an
experimental scaled-down prototype of a new class of
weapons devised by Microsoft to eliminate its competitors.

The data collected so far provides reliable evidence that
Microsoft is in the process of fitting its new Y2K-class
ships "M.S.S. Worldisourstorule" and "M.S.S. Excelsibur"
with full-size weapons based on DirectSquish technology
that are programmed to exterminate penguins, gnus, gnomes,
gimps, cameleons, fire-breathing dragons, and little cute
daemons. The two ships, currently being fitted at the
Microsoft shipyard near Redmond, WA, constitute the main
component of a battle group Bill Gates is preparing for a
secret mission. It is almost certain that the group's first
destination will be the penguin breeding grounds in Finland
and California and the reservation of gnus in
Massachusetts.

At a recent Microsoft fleet commanding officers (CO)
meeting, Chairman Bill gave the general battle order for
the MS-Navy to "(1) blast to atoms the penguin-ridden
Silicon Valley, (2) send the Finns back into their saunas,
penguins included, and (3) bomb the gnu-infested MIT back
to the Jurassic era, when dinosaurs ruled the world and
gnus didn't exist."  

He then added, "The reason I've decided to go with a naval
fleet instead of nuclear 'ProfitKeeper' missiles is that I
really, really love the color blue. Screen blue, that is. 
Blue reminds me so much of death, which is exactly what
we're aiming for."  [So, in other words, the BSOD is a
feature, not a bug.  And as such, it's the only reliable
feature Windows has. -- The Editor]

Despite his powerful weapons Chairman Bill is likely to
encounter not only the shortcomings of his Navy, but a
stiff resistance as well.

Microsoft's newest Y2K-class ships are not only huge and
hard to steer properly, but are also plagued by frequent
breakdowns and failures caused by flaws and errors in their
design and construction.  For example, the MS-Navy has
commissioned a new supply ship called the "M.S.S.
Innovation" to follow their task force, providing
assistance along the way. This ship incorporates every
single bloated Microsoft "feature" (including MS Bob and
Edlin) to date.

Microsoft faces a large number of opponents ranging from
grassroots organizations to governments.  For example it is
unlikely that any Microsoft Y2K-class ship will be able to
squish penguins in Helsinki because the Danish government
is unwilling to let the ships into Danish waters. "Think
what would happen if any of those huge things would get
stuck or go down in the Oeresund and Great Belt straits...
all of the traffic to and from the Baltic would be blocked
for weeks or even months," said one Danish government
employee who wants to remain anonymous.

Among Chairman Bill's opponents, GnuPeace is undoubtedly
the most radical and, despite the deceiving appearance of
its leader, is capable of wielding considerable power.

GnuPeace's main battle fleet consists of two quite old, but
powerful and reliable ships -- the "R.M.S. Emacs" and
"R.M.S. GCC"[2] -- which have been repeatedly upgraded and
improved for more than 15 years, joined recently by the
newly commissioned "GnomeWarrior". The flagship "R.M.S.
HURD" is finally undergoing sea trials after many years of
construction work, but it is unlikely that it will be ready
to enter service any time in the near future.

While Microsoft keeps the blueprints of its ships a heavily
guarded secret, GnuPeace has published its blueprints
freely so that anybody can reproduce and modify them. Most
navies, Microsoft included, have built ships using
GnuPeace's blueprints. In fact, they are so common that
most people tend to ignore their origin, a fact that
infuriates the GnuPeace leader to no end.

The other force opposing Microsoft is an unlikely alliance
of grassroots movements, secret organizations and Fortune
500 companies, known popularily as the Open Source Movement
(OSM). It is widely supposed that the force behind this
alliance is a secret organization known as The Eric
Conspiracy, whose purpose is nothing less than world
domination.

The fleet assembled by the OSM is as heterogenous as the
members of the alliance. The OSM flagship is the "Bazaar",
a surprisingly effective ship considering that its design
is the result of the work of many hundreds of people. On
the bridge of this ship stands a Jedi knight who is
considered to be the chief of The Eric Conspiracy. For some
reason, unlike the other Jedi knights, he wields a handgun
instead of a light saber.

The efficiency of the "Bazaar" technology has been
demonstrated by the "Linux" (or "GNU/Linux", as GnuPeace
insists on calling them) series of ships. These ships,
initially designed in Finland by a student that got fed up
with slaving to MS-DOG rowing boats, have proved extremly
reliable and flexible, and they are the main reason for the
raid planned by Chairman Bill on Finland.

Another contribution to the OSM fleet is the "FreeBSD".
Based on a design more than 25 years old, it has proved as
reliable as the "Linux" ships. It's rather drab exterior
conceals a remarkable capability to cope with huge loads --
much larger than what the shining and streamlined "Linux"
are capable of handling.

The "Bazaar" has been joined recently by heavyweights like
the "Netscape", whose owners aim at taking the seas back
from the "M.S.S. Exploder", and "Solaris".

Given these opposing forces we are facing the possibility
of a global confrontation: nothing less than WWIII.
Thankfully, there are two factors that might prevent a
world war:

* The US Department of Justice. This last, but not least,
  Microsoft competitor is already weighing in with their
  two dreadnaughts, the U.S.S. Constitution and U.S.S. Free
  Enterprise.  The admiral of this fleet, Joel Klein, says
  that the outcome of this confrontation might prevent
  future battles.

* The size and weight of Microsoft weapons.  Even the
  smaller Cockroach Squisher is so big and heavy that it is
  questionable that a ship fitted with this weapon would
  ever be able to leave port.


Footnotes
---------

[1] M.S.S., standing for MicroSoft Ship, is the designation
    for ships built at the Redmond, WA yards.

[2] R.M.S. is the designation for GnuPeace ships (it's
    actually the initials of GnuPeace's chairman). There is
    no known similarity between these ships and a famed
    passenger liner that went down after a collision with
    an iceberg. In fact there are more similarities between
    the Microsoft ships and that liner -- namely the poor
    maneuverability, the insufficiency of basic safety
    equipment and the abundance of useless features.


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