[humorix] Real Proof Of Bill Gates' Satan-ness

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Real Proof Of Bill Gates' Satan-ness
March 13, 2000

Over the years many have claimed that William H. Gates III
is indeed Satan himself. These people always present very
sketchy evidence, often involving  some trick where his
name is converted into 666 using ASCII. However, thanks to
the diligent efforts of our Vast Spy Network(tm),  we have
been able to obtain a document that directly proves Bill
Gates' Satan-ness.

The document is a recently published article in that
stronghold of journalistic integrity, the Weekly World
News. Titled "Is Your Computer Possesed by a Demon?", it 
[http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/stories/1745.html] 
describes how Satan is infecting computer systems
worldwide.  The article states, "Any PC built after 1985
has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit."

If you're professional Microsoft basher and Linux advocate,
then  you should already know that Microsoft officially
unveiled Windows 1.0 on November 20, 1985 for the bargain
basement price of US$100  (or 666 Mexican pesos at the
prevailing exchange rate at the time).

The conclusion, therefore, is obvious.  Evil spirits began
infecting computers in 1985.  Windows began infecting
computers in 1985.  Thus, Bill Gates is Satan.  QED.

If you are not convinced, however, the Weekly World News
provides more evidence.  For instance:

   "I later had an expert in dead languages examine the
   text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream
   of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian
   dialect!"

Clearly this stream of nonsense is a typical Windows error
message, such as the Blue Screen of Death.  With emphasis
on 'Death'.  As an aside, "Fatal Exception Error"
translated literally into ancient Babylonian slang means
"This won't happen again if you sell your soul to us".

   Rev. Peasboro advises that if you suspect your computer
   is possessed, you consult a clergyman or, if the
   computer is still under warranty, take it in for
   servicing. He says, "Technicians can replace the hard
   drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the
   wicked spirit permanently." 

This is excellent advice.  However, you don't really need
to pay $1,000 to have a technician type in "FDISK" and
insert a Red Hat Linux installation CD.

   "Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought
   were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves
   spewing foul, debasing language they would never use
   normally. 

Of course.  After experiencing the 5,423rd random
data-losing Windows crash, it's no surprise that even the
most mild-mannered housewife would use such phrases as "I
hate this !@*#?#% computer! Who the %*!&%#@ designed this
*$@&%$@ thing?" and "If I ever see that $&*!%@ Bill Gates
I'm going to #*&@^#^&*!!!!"

So there you have it.  Bill Gates really is the Master of
ActiveHades(tm), an underground crypt beneath Building 13
of the Microsoft Campus where people who didn't register
their copy of Windows 98 are sent when they die.

---

James S. Baughn
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/

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