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[humorix] Corporate Media Conglomerate HOWTO
Corporate Media Conglomerate HOWTO
Dave Finton, surazal@nerp.net
and James Baughn, lawyers-suck@i-want-a-website.com
January 26, 2000
The world is scary place out there for you, the media
executives, and the companies you serve. The big bad
Internet threatens to allow every average joe out there to
actually say something without your permission! How can
you fight back? Well fortunately, the Recording and Movie
Industries(tm) have already laid the groundwork for you to
maintain your iron grip on freely available and widely
adopted technology and information. Here's how:
* Step 1: Sue Everybody in Sight!
Yes, I mean everybody. Sue Slashdot. Sue Humorix --
they've got a direct link to the DeCSS source code[1],
those bastards! Sue that guy over there! It doesn't
matter who you sue; it just has to be someone with a
heartbeat. Did they at any time utter the letters "D",
"V", or "D" in public at any points in the past? That's
all you need for an injunction to silence them forever.
It's that easy!
Get the judge to issue a court order banning a form of free
speech or another from every website in the world.
Jurisdiction issues? Not a problem at all. The Global
Media (namely you) will report the injunction as though it
were actually binding, regardless of whether the court in
question even exists in this space time continuum. While
nobody in the world could force someone located in another
country to remove something from a website because of a law
that only exists in the U.S., you can sure make the public
believes it's not only possible, but that it already
happened. This brings us naturally to Step 2.
* Step 2: Propaganda Wars... For Dummies[2]
Hey, you _are_ the media, right? You can use your
ill-gotten powers to crush all those who oppose you,
regardless if the opposer is a rival advertising firm or a
16 year-old kid in Norway[3]. Did he use to play computer
games as a kid (or still does)? Hey, now you can call him
a "hacker"[4]! Pepper press releases with the word
"illegal" (about 15,967 instances per press release should
about do it, but you can never be sure... the sky's the
limit).
Have your buddies over in the press room convey you as the
"poor well-meaning corporation being held victim by
terrorist organizations such as the LiViD group[5], et
al". I mean, they deserve it, right? They didn't want to
use an "approved" media player that you so generously gave
to them, so they should pay the price for trying to do
something about it. Who cares if their "Linux" thing can't
play DVDs? Everybody knows (and if they don't, you'll be
sure to tell them) that only evil hackers, terrorists, and
anarchists use such underground software anyways.
It helps of course to completely ignore the arguments of
your opponents. Don't let anyone think for a _second_ that
you're actually taking those little twerps seriously.
Simply repeat your party line over and over again.
Repetition is a hell of a lot more effective as a rhetoric
technique than is logic, consistency, honesty, or even
sanity!
* Step 3: It Worked for Kevin[6]...
Hey, did you know that you can actually employ the police
to do the dirty work[7] for you? Back in the bad old days,
corporations had to hire thugs to keep the local populace
at bay. Now, the police are more than happy to haul away
to jail those who theoretically caused you trillions of
dollars in damages by figuring out how your precious
hardware works[8]! And don't just stop at the
perpetrators. Arrest their dad, their mom, the uncle, or
their niece's nephew's former roommate. Arrest everyone
with any sort of relationship to your enemies, because hey,
you never can be too careful out there.
* Step 4: Free Speech is for You, not Them
Defend your rights to the death by trampling on everyone
else's. Civil liberties abuses and overachieving
lawyers[9] are just a couple of useful items in your legal
toolbox. Make sure you employ every means to silence those
who disagree with you. Force linking to a page on the web
to be illegal[10]! Get a judge who is more than
sympathetic to your cause (Preferably you want one who
works in a courthouse with a statue of a big bag of money
in the lobby as opposed to that really lame statue of that
blind-folded lady holding the balancing scales; I mean do
you really want your opponents to fight back in a court
that holds fairness above all other values? Yeah, right!).
Oh, and make sure you toss around the term "immediate
incarceration" around at dinner parties. That will get
them to shut up (hey it even worked for 2600 online[11] so
it should work for everybody!). Imagine the looks on their
faces when FBI agents show up at their door to confiscate
their equipment and haul them away to jail. It's enough to
give any media executive a feeling of warm fuzzies. You
can sleep easy knowing that your opponents are staying up
until 4:00 AM every night working on their case because
they can't afford the expensive lawyers you've got!
* Step 5: Let's All Go to the Lobby and Get Ourselves a
Stash!
A Congressman is the best investment you can make. Or
better yet, buy several of them. The going rate for a
veteran Senator is rather steep because of the booming
economy, but the rewards you'll reap when the "It's For The
Children & Movie Industry Act of 2000" is enacted into law
will make it all worth it.
Lobbying (or as you should call it, Enlightening Your
Representative) is the best tool you can use in the battle
against your enemies. With a Senator or two in your pocket,
you'll be on Easy Street when Congress passes a bill
requiring a five day waiting period and background check
for all DVD player purchases. Or a law that provides
billions in "corporate welfare" for the beleagured American
movie industry that's being victimized by the evil
Norwegians and Finns[12].
And remember, this is what democracy is all about.
---
The world is a great place to be in if you're a media
executive. Not only does the world come to you on a golden
platter, but you can immediately destroy anyone who thinks
that you deserve less! This guide will help you amass
wealth that the robber barons[13] of old would drool over.
Use this advice willingly and overzealously; it's the only
way to go.
Oh wait, you already are!
---
Links
[1] http://cryptome.org/dvd-hoy-reply.htm#Exhibit A
[2] http://slashdot.org/articles/99/10/28/1636205.shtml
[3] http://slashdot.org/articles/00/01/25/0827258.shtml
[4] http://slashdot.org/yro/99/10/02/1143258.shtml
[5] http://linuxvideo.org/
[6] http://slashdot.org/articles/00/01/20/1728238.shtml
[7] http://slashdot.org/articles/00/01/04/2316228.shtml
[8] http://www.wired.com/news/business/0,1367,33889,00.html
[9] http://www.overlawyered.com/
[10] http://slashdot.org/yro/99/09/11/1447250.shtml
[11] http://slashdot.org/articles/00/01/21/1250251.shtml
[12] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/jan00.shtml#Finland-Ban
[13] http://www.quuxuum.org/~evan/bgnw.html
-
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