[humorix] New Linux Companies Hope To Get Rich Quick

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

New Linux Companies Hope To Get Rich Quick
January 22, 2000

The Linux bandwagon is rolling at full speed down Wall
Street. In the last few months a huge wave of new
Linux-oriented businesses have popped up hoping to cash in
on the bandwagon. Some, like LinuxOne, have even less
potential than Humorix does, while others, four of which we
review in this article, could become The Next Big
Thing(tm).

* Adopt-a-Beowulf

Every geek dreams of owning their own Beowulf
supercomputer. Very few people (except for dotcom
billionaires) can afford to build one, but the folks at
Adopt-a-Beowulf can provide the next best thing: a virtual
beowulf.  For US$49.95, you can "adopt" your own 256-node
Beowulf cluster.  You won't own it, or even get to see it
in person, but you will receive photos of the cluster, a
monthly newsletter about its operation, and a limited shell
account on it.  

The company hopes to branch out into other fields.  Some
slated products include Adopt-A-Penguin, Lease-A-Camel (for
Perl mongers), and Adopt-A-Distro (in which your name will
be used as the code-name for a beta release of a major
Linux distribution or other Open Source project).

* Linux Collectibles

Don't throw out that old Red Hat Linux 3.0 CD.  A group of
entrepreneurs are hording vintage Linux items in the hopes
that they will become hot collector's items in the coming
decades.  The venture, called  "Money Grows On Binary
Trees", hopes to amass a warehouse full of old Linux
distributions, books, stuffed penguins, promotional
material, and Linus Torvalds autographs.

"Nobody thought pieces of cardstock featuring baseball
players would be worth anything... what fools!" the founder
of Binary Trees said.  "That 'Linux For Dummies' book
sitting in your trash can could be the next Babe Ruth
card."

The company organized a Linux Collectibles Convention last
week in Silicon Valley, drawing in a respectable crowd of
1,500 people and 20 exhibitors.  The big attraction was a
"Windows For Dummies" book actually signed by Linus
Torvalds.  "He signed it back at a small Linux conference
in '95," the owner explained.  "He didn't realize it was a
Dummies book because I had placed an O'Reilly cover on
it...  Somebody at the convention offered me $10,000 for
it, but that seemed awfully low.  I hope to sell it on eBay
next month with a reserve price containing a significant
number of zeros."

* OpenEgo

In the Cathedral and the Bazaar, ESR mentions that one
motivation behind Open Source software is
ego-gratification.  That's where OpenEgo, Inc. comes in. 
For a fee, the hackers at OpenEgo will produce a piece of
Open Source software and distribute it in your name, thus
building up your reputation and ego.  You can quickly
become the envy of all your friends -- without lifting a
finger.  Want a higher-paying tech job?  With OpenEgo's
services, you'll look like an Open Source pro in no time,
and have dozens of hot job offers from across the country.

Says the OpenEgo sales literature, "Designing,
implementing, maintaining, and promoting a successful Open
Source project is a pain.  However, at OpenEgo, we do all
the work while you reap all the rewards..."  A page on the
OpenEgo site claims, "We produced a Linux kernel patch for
one customer last year that was immediately accepted by
Linus Torvalds... Within days the person gained employment
at Transmeta and is now on the road to IPO riches..."

Prices range from US$1,000 for a small program to $5,000
for a significant kernel patch.

* IPO Factory

The buzz surrounding Linux and Open Source during the past
year has produced a large number of billionnaires. 
However, people who weren't employed by Red Hat or VA
Linux, or who didn't receive The Letter, are still poor. 
The visionaries at The IPO Factory want to change all
that.  

As the name suggests, this company helps other businesses
get off the ground, secure investments from Venture
Capitalists, and eventually hold an IPO that exits the
stratosphere.  "You can think of us as meta-VCs," the IPO
Factory's founder said.   "You provide the idea... and we
do the rest.  If your company doesn't hold a successful
IPO, you get your money back, guaranteed!"  He added
quickly, "Of course, if you do undergo a billion dollar
IPO, we get to keep 25% of your stock."

Some of the services that the IPO Factory provides in their
EZ-IPO(tm) Package include:

- Intensive public relations and shameless promotion. 
  "We'll get your business plugged on Slashdot in no time,"
  an IPO Factory salesperson boasted.  "Or you could opt
  for the Transmeta Strategy and keep your product line
  top-secret while leaking rumors out to the press.  We
  won't be able to hire Linus Torvalds for you, although we
  have several lookalikes available."

- Patent snatching.  Patent attorneys will invent and file
  as many patents on your behalf as possible, and then sue
  any and every business they can.  "There's nothing
  immoral about abusing the intellectual property laws...
  as long as you're the one doing it," says the company's
  chief litigator.  

- IPO underwriting.  The IPO Factory will file the
  necessary paperwork and bribes with the Securities &
  Exchange Commission. PR agents will infiltrate stock
  discussion boards and execute an Astroturf campaign
  promoting your company, even during the SEC-imposed
  "Quiet Period".

The company's first customer, LinuxOne, has been a failure.
"From now on we're only going to service clients that
actually have a viable product," an IPO Factory salesperson
admitted.  "Oh, and we've learned our lesson: it's not a
good idea to cut-and-paste large sections from Red Hat's
S-1 filing."

-
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