[humorix] Microsoft's Halloween 6.66 Document

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Microsoft's Halloween 6.66 Document
October 31, 1999

While Eric S. Raymond is busy wearing his Obi-Wan Kenobi
costume at a Halloween party, we here at Humorix have been
able to acquire a leaked interal Microsoft memorandum which
we've dubbed "Halloween 6.66". Our contact within
Microsoft, Mr. John Birckendorf, sent us this document in
exchange for 1,000 shares of Humorix stock.  As you shall
see, the contents of this document are downright scary and
shouldn't be viewed by those easily frightened by corporate
doublespeak.

An Ad-Hoc Investigation Of The Similarities Between "Open
Source" and "Borg" Paradigms

F. U. Draker
Vice Chairman of Microsoft's Linux Focus Group

October 12, 1999
Microsoft Confidential

* Introduction

For years the unenlightened anti-Microsoft masses have
compared Microsoft to the Borg collective ala "Star Trek".
In this memo I intend to demonstrate that the so-called
"Open Source Community" is actually far more Borg-like than
Microsoft ever could be.

I submit as evidence the following seven items.

* Item 1. Instant communications

Each Borg individual is wired into the network of the whole
collective. Likewise, each Open Source individual
(hereafter referred to as "The Enemy") is wired into the
network of the whole collective: in this case, the
Internet, or more precisely, Slashdot.  The Enemy is rarely
out of IP-tone of the Slashdot collective consciousness,
much in the same way a Borg is permanently connected to
every other Borg.

* Item 2. Advocacy

The Enemy's reaction to our "Linux Myths" page is a clear
indication of Borg-like behavior.  The headline appeared on
Slashdot, and as a result, was immediately broadcasted to
thousands of Enemy hackers.  Within hours, dozens of
rebuttals propagated across the Net.  Many of these
advocacy pieces contained the same mantra: "Microsoft
sucks, Linux rules", which rougly translates to "I am Linux
of Borg. Prepare to be copylefted. Resistance is futile."

* Item 3. Assimilation

Everyone jokes about how Microsoft "assimilates" rival
companies by acquiring them.  However, our acquisitions are
designed to spur innovation, not assimilation.  This is not
true of the Enemy.  The Cult of Open Source is spreading
rapidly; each day an increasing number of people and
companies are assimilated into the collective.

Netscape, Corel, Apple, and Sun have all embraced the Enemy
ideology to varying degrees -- in other words, they've been
assimilated.  And yet, at the same time, there is little
innovation: the biggest projects in the Enemy collective
are to produce GUIs and office applications duplicating
what Microsoft has already done.

* Item 4. Decentralization

The Borg and the Enemy do not have a single point of
failure.  Killing a single Borg or destroying a single Borg
ship does little to harm the overall collective.  The same
holds of the Enemy.  Even if our attempts to hire Alan Cox
or to buy the linux.com domain were successful, the Open
Source combine would continue unabated.  

As a result, previously discussed strategies (acquiring Red
Hat, bribing the Federal government to deport Linus
Torvalds back to Finland,  filing a lawsuit against
Slashdot, etc.) will be ineffective against the whole.  Any
offensive measure against the Enemy must be swift and
damaging to the Collective as a whole.

* Item 5. Conformity

The Enemy leaders pontificate about "freedom", but that's
just propaganda. Open Source licenses, particularly the
GPL, are all about conformity.  The essence of the GPL is:
"If you use any Free Software in your own programs, your
work is automatically assimilated into the Collective.  You
must conform to our rules, or else you can't play." 
Moreover, Richard Stallman's "Use GNU/Linux!" crusade shows
that this Borg-like conformity even applies to trivial
things like nomenclature.

Slashdot and Usenet discussions are conformist as well. 
Bucking the party line in any way (criticizing Linux,
praising Microsoft, attacking core Open Source ideologies,
etc.) instantly results in flamage and negative
moderation.  Those who do not conform are quickly labelled
as "Trolls" and "Flamebaiters" and are ostracized from the
Collective.

* Item 6. Identification

Two numbers are used to identify individual Borg: Five Of
Ten, for instance. Likewise, a set of two numbers are often
used to identify Enemy hackers: their IP number, and their
Slashdot user account number.  This similarity is not
coincidental.

* Item 7. Ultimate goal

The Enemy plots World Domination & Assimilation, the Borg
plots Universal Domination & Assimilation.

* Conclusion

As demonstrated by the above seven items, the Open Source
community is far more Borg-like than Microsoft.  I suggest
that Microsoft institute new training requirements: every
employee must watch key episodes of "Star Trek" to learn
more about the Borg.  This knowledge will be crucial in
understanding, and eventually defeating, the Enemy.

-
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