[humorix] Windows 2000 Rumors

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Windows 2000 Rumors
Daniel Pfeiffer, occitan@esperanto.org
October 28, 1999 

Microsoft developers are working on a revolutionary virtual
2000×2000 resolution which will be the only resolution
available for all platforms from PDAs to workstations. This
will be realized by calculating the value of each physical
pixel from the weighted average of the virtual pixels that
(partly) map to it. This will happen on the fly, with
subsequent anti-aliasing to smoothe rough edges. The result
is then enhanced to give more contrast and gaudier colours.
The engine for this is called Windows 2000 Extension For
Rendering Electroshock Elegantly at 86 (64 + 8.3 + B[ill])
km/h, XFree86®. 

Internet Explorer 2000 is being enhanced with a module
called The Graphical Integrated Magnification Processing,
The GIMP®. Its purpose is to automatically magnify all
pages containing a best-viewed-with-IE-at-800×600 type of
icon to take full advantage of this fantastic new
resolution. The icon is replaced with the builtin
only-viewable-with-Windows-2000 icon. The GIMP module is
also used to display legacy applications for DOS 3 to NT 4
at the new resolution. 

Pages containing a best-viewed-with-Netscape type of icon
are processed by the Link Inversion Network Update
Extender, Linux®, module. This automatically redirects to
the Microsoft website. (To avoid unfair trade practise
complaints this can be turned off by editing the registry
entry BeautifyNetscapePages in the Internet Explorer
section to "NoWay!!!" and confirming that this will void
the warranty. In that case the page will be shown in a
640×400 frame without scrollbars and the Microsoft website
in the other frames.) 

To increase the acceptance for Windows 2000, Microsoft has
opted for the open source distribution model. This means
that the source, i.e. the online shop at the Microsoft
website, will be open on a 24/7 basis (guaranteed no more
than 7 server-failures a day thanks to Back End Orifice
Wolfpack Upset Lessening Factor, Beowulf®). However due to
remaining Y2K problems, as well as alignment errors when
running on the future DaimlerChrysler Mercedes IA2000
Processor, the release of Windows 2000 is rumored by Bill
Gates as being unlikely before 2nd quarter 1901.

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