[humorix] The Great Windows Treasure Hunt

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

The Great Windows Treasure Hunt
October 9, 1999
Dances With Herring, Humorix Investigative
Reporter, herring-breath@i-want-a-website.com

[Editor's Note: This article is written by Dances With
Herring, the newest member of Humorix's reporting staff. 
Dances, a former reporter for the Erie Responsible Journal,
will be contributing investigative reports from the field. 
Dances is a distant relative of Tux Penguin and currently
resides in Alaska, although he has plans to move back to
his native Antarctica.]

On the weekends, I like to hang out at O'Malley's Guzzle &
Belch Tavern, a small adult beverage establishment located
in the heart of the Silicon Tundra district.  Lots of nerds
(both human and penguin) spend quite a bit of time here
drinking and, believe it or not, socializing.  

Saturday evenings at O'Malley are usually not very
exciting.  There's the obligatory Microsoft bashing, and
once in awhile somebody will ask for Linux help in the
hopes of getting free tech support.  That's about it. 
However, things were much more interesting when I was there
last week.

One of my drinking buddies, Bob C. Penguin, waddled up to
my table and showed me something he had found.  Bob was
clearly drunk. "It'sh shome kind of... map," he slurred.
"It hash an 'X' on it... it'sh a treashure map." The map
was written in red ink on the back of a wrinkled place mat.
I replied, "Ummm... I don't know, Bob.  It's probably just
a map to some guy's house."

Bob, ever the optimist, responded, "Ahh have reashon to
believe dat dis guy's houshe hash treashure inshide!"  

About this time, O'Malley, the bartender, overhearing our
conversation, waddles over to have a look-see at the map. 
"Mmmm... interesting.  Where'd you get this?"

Bob hesitated before responding.  "Well," he stuttered. 
"I, um, well, I uh... well, Ahh'll be honesht.  Yeshterday
Ahhh had a few dreenks at the Happy & Drunk Lounge over on
Ash Shtreet.  I know, I know, that'sh your biggesht
competitor, O'Malley..."

"Now might be a good time to call in your bar tab,"
O'Malley responded in a rather annoyed tone.

"Anywaysh, dese two guys sittin' neksht to me... dey waz
having shome kinda convershasheeun... about a rumor goin'
round town.  Shomebody around dese parts haz tuned an
enterprise... Windoze En-Tee sherver sho well dat it never
crasheshes.  Dis magic sherver hash been up...
continuoushly for shix monthsh!"

"You've gotta be kidding," O'Malley and I said in unison.

"Like Ahh-uh said, it waz jusht a rumor.  A leettle bit
afterwards, I overheard one of dem sayin'... He said, 'You
know, if this uncrashable NT box really exists, I'd really
like to get my hands on it and see what kind of
modifications have been made.  My own NT-based website
crashes several times per week.' The shecond guy, he
reshponded, 'Well, one of my co-workers heard from a friend
of a friend of a co-worker of a friend of a relative of a
friend that this magical box is in an office on Jimbo
Road.'  He den prosheeded to sketch a map on da back of
hish place mat."

By this time a crowd of other tavern patrons had gathered
around our table.  "What happened next?" one human asked. 

"Well," Bob explained, somewhat sobered, "Da firsht guy
said, 'Hmmm... what are we going to do, break in to this
office and steal this mythical computer that seems to be
disobeying Murphy's Law?'  In reshponse, the shecond guy
said, 'Well, we could pull a prank.  Instead of calling and
asking whether their refrigerator is running, we'll ask if
their NT server is running...'  Dey broke into laughter,
and after a few minutes da convershation drifed tuh other
matters.  On the way out dey threw da map in the trash... I
later shnatched it when nobody was-a looking."

"This could be big," I said, intoxicated by beer and Bob's
fantastic story.  "If we could figure out how this NT
server is configured, we could make a fortune! Everybody
foolish enough to be using Windows would clamor for our
consulting services!  We could write our own book, "The
Complete Idiot's Guide To Making Windows NT Stable... For
Dummies".

I looked at the map again.  "That 'X' is just a few miles
from here. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, everybody?"

"Now wait a minute here, folks.  Let's look at this
rationally," O'Malley said.  "What are the odds that
somebody has in their possession a Windows NT box that
hasn't crashed in six months?  Or, for that matter, a full
month?  I just don't buy this rumor."

Bob chimed in, "Well, we won't know until we go on a
treashure hunt... and find dis mythical computer.  Anybody
wanna come?"

Quite a few people shouted, "Yeah!"  

The Great Windows Treasure Hunt of 1999 had begun.

Bob and I made plans, while Tim, Eric, the other Eric, and
Tina went to Wal-Mart to buy supplies for our expedition
across town. We decided to make our move Sunday night under
cover of darkness and while everybody was sober.

We found our destination, and parked our cars in a secluded
back alley. Bob, Eric 2, and I were to go the north end of
the building, while the other three went south; our goal
was to find a way in.  We immediately found it: the back
door was unlocked.

Sneaking in, we split up and scoured each room for a
computer. We didn't find any.  In fact, we didn't find
anything.  It took us a couple of minutes to realize that
the building we were in had been abandoned for decades.

A quick glance at the map by flashlight revealed that our
destination was on the other side of the street.  I had
been holding the map upside down all of this time.

A few minutes later we were in place around our target.  We
discovered that the bars in front of a first-story window
were held on with duct tape; we were able to easily gain
entrance through this window.

After a few minutes of searching, we found the fabled
machine on the second story.  There it was: a Windows NT
box with the power on.  It was showing the Flying Windows
screensaver.

"This is it," I squealed in delight.

I moved the mouse and the desktop appeared.  There was
nothing there except for the My Computer icon and shortcuts
for Minesweeper and Solitaire. Further inspection revealed
that this machine was not connected to the Internet (no
Ethernet or phone line), and indeed, it was not a server at
all.

We had come all this way to find somebody's personal
Solitaire machine, and nothing more.  It might have been
online for six months, but who cares?

I absent-mindedly clicked the Minesweeper icon.  The blue
screen appeared.  So much for that six-month uptime!

After a few minutes of discussion, we decided to bail just
in case one of us accidentally activated some kind of
security alarm. We vacated the building, and returned back
to the tavern in an unhappy mood.

"How did it go?" O'Malley asked.

"Not well.  The only thing we discovered is that Windows
sucks.  I, for one, knew that fact all along.  Gimme a cold
one, O'Malley, I'm going to need it..."

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