[humorix] Update: The Legal Battle Continues

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Update: The Legal Battle Continues
Noah Morals, Official Humorix Lawyer
September 23, 1999

I can't believe the good fortune I keep getting.   Humorix
is now firmly embroiled in a lengthy legal battle with
Microsoft, which will net me a fortune in legal fees. I'll
be able to buy my own tropical island within a year if this
continues.  It's good to be a lawyer.

Regular Humorix readers (both of you) know that Humorix and
Microsoft have been exchanging legal notices for the past
week. In response to our last article, the Microsoft legal
department sent us this letter:

===

Dear Mr. Morals, et al,

We have noticed you published a copy of our friendly note
(referred to as "bark letter" by you) on your web server.

Since this note contains important strategies to be used in
our upcoming lawsuits as well as some internal Microsoft
marketing strategies (such as the mission charter for MSN),
we demand that you remove it immediately.

Also we would like you to know that any further
communication between us will automatically fall under the
Microsoft GPL (Grossly Private License), meaning:

* By opening the envelope, you agree to these terms. If you
  do not agree to the terms, return the letter unopened to
  your local post office stating you disagree with the
  license, and you may or may not get the postage back.

* You may read the letter only on one desk, and make at
  maximum one copy for safety purposes only. If you need
  another copy, want to read it on another desk, or want to
  give a copy to someone else, you need to buy another
  license from the Microsoft licensing department at a
  nominal fee of US$899.99.

* There is a 90 hours readability warranty. If you cannot
  read the mail after 90 hours [starting from writing, not
  receiving], it is your fault.

* If you find a typing mistake, or spelling or grammar
  errors, there is no need whatsoever to report them. 
  Using Microsoft Internet Explorer 5.0 with ActiveX
  enabled, visit letterupgrade.microsoft.com to download a
  patch for the letter.

* You agree not to disassemble (i.e. rip up) or in any
  other way reverse engineer (i.e. use ink killers to
  separate ink from paper) the letter.

Thank you for your attention.

Signed,

C. A. Pitalist
Chairman, Microsoft Legal Department

Pat N. Twar, Esq.
Deputy Under-Secretary, Patent Protection Division,
Microsoft Legal Dept.

427 of 1437
Microsoft Lawyer #427

===

In response to this, I, Mr. Noah Morals representing
Humorix, have sent the following counter-letter:

===

Dear Mr. Pitalist, et al:

Your previous letter indicates that you have not read the
terms of the Humorix ClosedHumor Public License.  This is
not our problem.

The terms of the License are as follows:

* By opening Port 80 of the Humorix website, you agree to
  these terms. If you do not agree to the terms, return the
  electrons you have received and immediately close your
  browser.

* We reserve the right to publish any and all
  correspondence we receive, even if said correspondence
  contains valuable trade secrets.  [Again, that's not our
  problem - N. O. M.]

* You (the "Supplicant") agree to refrain from filing any
  legal action against Humorix World Domination, Inc. until
  the End of Time or until Linux achieves Total World
  Domination, whichever comes first.    

* You agree to purchase at least ten (10) shares of Humorix
  stock (Nasdaq: FAUX) within one (1) week and to hold said
  shares for at least one (1) year.

* We are not responsible in any way if you encounter any
  problems (i.e. Blue Screen of Death) as the result of
  viewing the Humorix website with any Microsoft product
  (including, but not limited to, Windows 95, Windows 98,
  Windows 98 Second Edition, Windows NT 3.51, Windows 4.0,
  Windows 2000 beta, Windows CE, Internet Explorer, or
  Bob).  Moreover, we are not responsible if you suffer any
  eye strain or damage as the result of reading this fine
  print.

We regret to inform you that, by the terms of this license,
the complaints mentioned in your previous correspondence
are null and void.  As stated before, that's not our
problem.

Sincerely,

Mr. Noah Morals, 
Official Humorix Lawyer

Mr. F. L. Amer, Jr., 
Intern for the Lowe & Morals Law Firm

P.S. Humorix shares are still available.  Contact the newly
hired Humorix Investor Relations Liason, Mr. G. E. Trich,
for details.

-
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