Sv: [humorix] We Need A Geek Telethon! [long]

["overton" <overton@post.tele.dk>]

please take me away from your maillist
-----Oprindelig meddelelse-----
Fra: James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>
Til: humorix@humbolt.geo.uu.nl <humorix@humbolt.geo.uu.nl>
Dato: 9. september 1999 02:55
Emne: [humorix] We Need A Geek Telethon! [long]


>We Need A Geek Telethon!
>Jon Splatz, Humorix Pundit and Social Commentator
>September 8, 1999
>
>I had the strangest dream last night.  Usually I dream
>about being assimilated by the Microsoft Borg, but last
>night was different. I dreamt of a Geek Telethon
>broadcasted on network TV to raise money for geek
>interests.  After giving this idea some thought, it
>actually seems half-way reasonable: every other
>disadvantaged group has a telethon. Why not geeks?
>
>My dream went something like this:
>
>----
>
>ANNOUNCER: Liiivvveee from Silicon Valley... it's the first
>annual Geek Grok telethon, featuring such geek stars as
>Eric S. Raymond, Linus Torvalds, Alan Cox, and Larry Wall!
>For the next 24 hours, we'll be raising money for America's
>beleaguered geek community.  Annnndddd noooooooooowww....
>the hosts of this year's telethon, Mr. Eric "Bazaar"
>Raymond and Larry "Postmodern" Wall!
>
>ESR: Welcome, everybody!  You might be wondering why this
>network has pre-empted amateur women's golf to bring you
>this telethon.  Indeed, you might be wondering just what a
>geek is, and why they are a disadvantaged group worthy of a
>24 hour telethon.  In this zeroth hour of our broadcast, we
>hope to answer these questions and -- of course -- get
>those phones ringing!
>
>LW: To make a contribution, you can call (877)-YES-GEEK,
>send email to pledges at geekthon dot org, or visit our
>secure website at aitch-tee-tee-pee colon slash slash
>double-u double-u double-u dot geekthon dot org. Behind me
>is our Geek Pledge Board; it currently shows zero, but by
>the end of today we hope it's at $1E6 or more!
>
>ESR: Before we get underway, I'd like to introduce Eric
>Jones, a disadvantaged member of the geek community who has
>been forced to live in a homeless shelter. Eric?  Come on
>out here and tell us about yourself...
>
>JONES: Well, I'm a consultant for a Bay Area corporation. 
>Due to the housing crisis, I've been forced to sleep in a
>shelter.
>
>ESR: How much do you make?
>
>JONES: Over $100,000 a year.
>
>LW: Wow!  And you still can't afford housing or rent?
>
>JONES: That's right.  Prices are through the roof around
>here, and  with my salary I can't even afford a treehouse
>or outhouse.  I'm forced to live in a run-down homeless
>shelter along with other homeless geeks and executives.  
>
>ESR: That sounds terrible, Eric.
>
>JONES: It is, Eric.  It really is.
>
>ESR: Hopefully with this telethon we'll be able to raise
>money to fund new shelters for disadvantaged geeks like
>Eric here.  We also have plans for a Silicon Valley
>Terraforming Initiative in which several square miles of
>Pacific Ocean will be turned into usuable land for building
>housing and apartments for geeks.  
>
>LW: However, we can't do these things without your help. 
>Eric and thousands of geeks and Silicon Valley denizens are
>counting on _you_ to come through and help end this social
>injustice.  
>
>(Brief pause)
>
>ESR: Do I here a phone ringing?  That must be our first
>caller!  Let's go and say hello.
>
>(Picks up the phone) Hello?  This is Eric Raymond, co-host
>of the Geek Grok '99 telethon.  Do you wish to make a
>pledge?
>
>CALLER: Hell no!  I'm Bob Farrow of Gluckstadt,
>Mississippi, and I think this entire telethon is a
>horrible, evil joke!
>
>ESR: (worried) What?
>
>CALLER: Giving money to nerds with six-figure incomes?  I
>can't believe my local TV affiliate is carrying this
>nonsense... I can't believe I've bothered to call! 
>Meanwhile, schools around here can't afford textbooks more
>recent than 1960 and I'm living in a trailer with my wife
>and mother-in-law...
>
>ESR: (hangs up the phone) Sorry, but we seem to be
>experiencing technical difficulties...
>
>LW: I suppose now is a good time to bring out our musical
>talent... 
>
>(The Geek Chorus comes on stage and sings such songs as
>"The Bluescreen Blues", "I've Got Two Tickets To Linux
>Expo", "Geeks Can't Get No R-E-S-P-E-C-T", and "Pick On
>Somebody Your Own IQ".)
>
>LW: Let's look at the pledge board, shall we?  $500? 
>That's all?  C'mon people... $500 is barely enough to
>afford a shrinkwrapped box of Red Hat Linux, much less
>enough to end the social injustices and hardships that
>geeks face nationwide!  
>
>ESR: This telethon isn't just about helping disenfranchised
>geeks. We're also here for the betterment of mankind
>through our research into finding a Cure for Windows.
>
>Each day, millions of man-hours are wasted due to design
>flaws in Microsoft Windows.  Each day, millions of dollars
>are sent by business and individuals like yourself into a
>huge black hole known as "Microsoft" for exorbitantly
>priced software products that should be free.
>
>But don't worry.  We've almost found a Cure for Windows. 
>Geeks worldwide have toiled endlessly for the past eight
>years working on a replacement operating system called
>Linux.  It's almost ready.  Now we need to convince the
>world to use our creation and eliminate the virus known as
>Windows.
>
>I'd like to introduce you to Linus Torvalds, the mastermind
>behind Linux and the man striving to innoculate the world
>against Windows.
>
>LT: (wearing a "World domination. Fast!" T-shirt) Hello!
>
>ESR: Tell us a little about yourself.
>
>LT: Well, many people worship me as a god... Other than
>that, I have a small job at a start-up firm called
>Transmeta where we're designing a next-generation CPU
>architecture that can exec... um, well, I've said too much
>already.  Pesky Non-Disclosure Agreements, you know.
>
>ESR: Linus here is going to do a little demonstration of
>how his operating system compares with Windows 98.  We're
>going to need some volunteers from the audience... anybody
>with some experience with Windows?  Raise your hands...
>okay, you, you, you, and you, c'mon on down here!
>
>(Rob Malda, Miguel de Icaza, Tom Christensen, and Trae
>McCombs, pretending not to be geeks, step forward)
>
>LT: For the record, I've never met any of these people. 
>This is not rigged.  Have you all used Windows before?
>
>(All four nod their heads.)
>
>LT: Good.  Tove, could you bring out those Windows boxes? 
>Thank you. While she's doing that, why don't you guys
>introduce yourselves.
>
>MALDA: I work at a, um, uh, a Taco Bell restaurant in
>Holland, Michigan, where I _slash_ prices and typically
>don't wear pants.
>
>ICAZA: (with Mexican accent) I'm an antiques and
>collectibles dealer that specializes in garden gnomes.
>
>TOM: I'm a, um, pearl reseller.
>
>TRAE: I do graphic design.
>
>LT: Okay.  You four volunteers are going to play a game
>called "Crash that Box!" The first person who can cause
>Windows 98 to display a fatal error message wins.  
>
>TRAE: That sounds too easy...
>
>(The "volunteers" sit down and start hacking.)
>
>ESR: While these volunteers are busy crashing Windows, let
>me point out that anybody who pledges over $25 will receive
>a free CD-ROM with Debian Linux along with a booklet about
>getting started with the system...
>
>(At this point Malda's computer shows the Blue Screen of
>Death, causing the audience to laugh hysterically)
>
>MALDA: I didn't do anything... When the screensaver
>activated, the system crashed by itself!  What do I win? 
>What do I win?
>
>ESR: Let me just reiterate that this demo was not rigged in
>any way... Windows really is that fragile!
>
>LT: That's right.  Now, this other machine here is running
>Linux. Rob, could you come over here and type 'uptime' at
>the prompt and hit ENTER?
>
>ESR: Look at that!  This machine has been online
>continuously for 243 days!
>
>(Camera zoom in on the screen, and then pans to an excited
>audience shouting "Ooooh!" and "Ahhhh!")
>
>LT: (smiling) And that concludes this demonstration.
>
>(Phones start ringing off the hook.)
>
>ESR: Listen!  That's the sound of dozens of people donating
>money to help fight injustices against the geek nation and
>to help finance Linux world dominat... er, Linux world
>acceptance.  Let's keep those phones ringing!
>
>LW: Building a Cure for Windows isn't the only task that
>geekdom is confronted with.  Geeks everywhere are faced
>with poor working conditions and discrimination by the rest
>of the population.  These injustices must be stopped... and
>they can, with YOUR pledge!
>
>ESR: That's right, Larry.  Geeks suffer discrimination,
>ridicule, and bullying at school, work... well, at just
>about every aspect of life. With us right now are a group
>of geeks that have suffered these injustices. Meet Eric
>Sloan, Eric Wiederkind, and Erik Dorfman.
>
>LW: Eric Sloans, we'll start with you.  What kind of trauma
>did you have to put up with?
>
>SLOAN: I was the Head Geek in high school... the entire
>school computer system was held together by duct tape, I
>mean Perl scripts that I had written...
>
>LW: Cool!
>
>SLOAN: ...Anyways, as a result I was the target of the
>so-called Jock Rockers, members of the football team who
>thought they were all going to be NFL players.  If I had a
>dollar for every wedgie I got... Oh, man.  Even the
>teachers hated me... the gym teacher broke into laughter
>anytime I tried to do a pull-up.
>
>ESR: Oh, that sound horrible!  They made you do pull-ups?!?
>
>SLOAN: Well, now that I've graduated I'm having the last
>laugh.  The football captain knocked-up two girlfriends and
>is now working at McDonalds, meanwhile my Internet start-up
>just had its IPO and I'm a millionaire.  Oh, and the P.E.
>teacher was fired after it was revealed that his high
>school diploma was forged.
>
>ESR: You still had to suffer.  I can't... I mean... this
>just really, really upsets me!  Geeks suffering at the
>hands of idiots... What is this world coming too?  This is
>the key reason why I'm the founder of the "Geeks with Guns"
>movement...
>
>LW: Aw, geez, not again!  Could you save the GWG spiel for
>later, when we're _not_ on the air?  Quickly moving on...
>Eric Wiederkind, tell us about your experiences trying to
>get a job.
>
>WIEDERKIND: I was trying to switch into a different career
>from computer programming.  Programming for money sucks...
>you have to deal with PHBs, 16 hour days, and spending the
>night in your cubicle half of the time to avoid the Commute
>>From Hell.  
>
>ESR: Poor working conditions... That's an injustice all
>geeks must face.  (To the camera) Listen folks, five cents
>out of every dollar you donate will go to the newly formed
>Geek Guild, a labor union and trade group devoted to
>improving working conditions in Cubicle Farms.  It's time
>to fight back against the Suits.
>
>Anyways, please continue, Eric...
>
>WIEDERKIND: Well, like you say, I didn't want to deal with
>that injustice anymore... I minored in Journalism of all
>things, so I tried to switch into a job as an IT pundit. 
>You'd think they'd welcome a geek like me with open arms,
>but they didn't.
>
>Ziff-Davis wouldn't even give me an interview.  I was "too
>qualified" they said.  Apparently my technical acumen was
>too much for their organization, which employs Jesse Berst
>and the ilk.
>
>It gets worse.  I tried to get an entry-level reporting job
>for a local-yokel paper.  After the interview they gave me
>a "skills test": I had to compose an article using
>Microsoft Word 97.  Since I've never touched a Windows box,
>I had no clue how to use it.  When I botched the test, the
>personnel manager spouted, "Your resume said you were a
>computer programmer.  Obviously you're a liar.  Get out of
>my office now!"
>
>After several more unsuccessful attempts to land jobs at
>firms with obvious anti-geek prejudices, I gave up and went
>back into computer programming.  I'm back in a cubicle..."
>
>ESR: (shakes head) What a tragic story.  Geek oppression is
>something that cannot be tolerated.
>
>Alright, moving on... Erik Dorfman, what's your story?
>
>DORFMAN: Everybody keeps blaming me for the Y2K problem,
>the Melissa Virus, Windows crashes... you name it.  When
>somebody finds out you're a bona fide geek, they start
>bugging you about computer problems. I frequently hear
>things like, "Why can't you geeks make Windows work
>right?", "What kind of idiot writes a program that can't
>handle the year 2000?", "Geeks are evil, all they do is
>write viruses", and "The Internet is the spawn of Satan".
>
>I'm afraid to admit I have extensive computing experience. 
>When somebody asks what kind of job I have, I always lie. 
>>From my experience, admitting that you're a geek is an
>invitation to disaster.
>
>LW: I know, I know.  I sometimes say that I'm the founder
>of a Perl harvesting company instead of admitting that I'm
>the founder of the Perl programming language.  
>
>ESR: This is tragic.  We can't live in a world like this. 
>We need _your_ donations to fight social oppression and
>ignorance against geekdom...
>
>
>---
>
>The dream abruptly ended at this point when a cockroach ran
>across my face, causing me to awaken.  My apartment complex
>barely meets city codes, and it shows.  It's supposed to be
>fumigated next week, but I figure the roaches will be back
>within a month.  Hopefully sales of my newly released book,
>"Business @ the Speed of Windows" will allow me to move to
>a somewhat more upscale apartment.  
>
>Nevertheless, the above transcript is a good indication of
>how successful a Geek telethon could be.  Complaining about
>geek oppression on Slashdot isn't going to accomplish
>anything (except maybe raise your "karma" points). It's
>time to take action.  
>
>What do you think?  Write me at jonsplatz@i-want-a-website.com
>
>-
>Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
>Archive:      http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/
>Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/

-
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/