[humorix] Unix is a Myth in Kansas

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Unix is a Myth in Kansas
August 18, 1999

TOPEKA, KS -- Evolution has been replaced with the Dancing
Paper Clip courtesy of the Kansas Board of Education. 
Kansas schools are no longer required to teach Evilution,
but they are required to teach students how to use
Microsoft products.

Starting in 2001, all high school seniors must pass a
so-called "computer literacy" test.  Unfortunately, to the
Board of Education, "computer literacy" is synonymous with
"knowing how to use Windows and Office".  Linux, Unix,
BeOS, OS/2, even Macintoshes are a myth in Kansas.  

Humorix's Vast Spy Network(tm) was able to obtain a working
draft of the test that will be administered.  From what we
can tell, some of the questions seem to be lifted verbatim
from the exam Microsoft gives to prospective MSCEs.

COMPUTER LITERACY EXAM, version 0.56
Kansas Board of Education

1. PowerPoint's AutoContent Wizard(tm) ________.
   A) Makes creating slide presentations easy.
   B) Makes creating slide presentations fun.
   C) Is an example of innovative software design.
   D) Is a good reason to upgrade from earlier versions.
   
2. Installing an OEM version of Windows(R) on a different
computer from which it was originally installed __________.
   A) Is a criminal act.
   B) Is immoral.
   C) Is even more wrong and despicable than believing in
      Evolution.
   D) Deprives Bill Gates of valuable income he needs to
      feed his family.

3. Which of the following is an example of an operating
   system?
   A) Microsoft Windows 98 Second Edition.
   B) Microsoft Outlook.
   C) Microsoft Internet Explorer.
   D) Microsoft Excel.
   E) None of the above.
  
[Editor's Note: According to the Board, the correct answer
is 'A', even though 'E' seems to make much more sense.]

4. Imagine that you are the superintendent of a small
school.  You want to add Creationism to the cirriculum, but
thanks to the US Supreme Court of Liberals, you can't. 
Which of the following software applications would you use
to write a letter to your Congressman demanding that a law
abolishing "Separation of Church and State" be enacted?
   A) Microsoft Windows 98 Solitaire.
   B) Microsoft Word.
   C) Microsoft Windows 98 Notepad.
   D) Microsoft Flight Simulator.
   E) Microsoft Internet Information Serfer. (sic)
   
5. (Calculators permitted)  If Bill Gates holds 1 billion
shares of MSFT stock valued at $100 per share, how many
times can he drive the entire length of the Kansas
Turnpike?
   A) He could _buy_ the Kansas Turnpike Authority and
      still have enough money leftover to pay for a billion
      gallons of gasoline.
   B) None, he'd just hire a construction firm to build a
      personal "Bill Gates Freeway" across Kansas (or the
      whole continent, for that matter).
   C) None, why would Bill ever come to Kansas?

6. The Internet _________.
   A) Was invented by Bill Gates.
   B) Allows computer users to easily download the latest
      upgrades and patches from Microsoft from anywhere in
      the world.
   C) Is entirely run on Windows NT computers.
   D) Is the source of all of society's problems.
   
7. (True/False) Changing a setting in the Control Panel
voids the Windows 98(R) warranty.

8. (True/False) All Microsoft software produced after 1999
is Y2K-compliant.

9. Crashes are the direct result of _________.
   A) User incompetence.
   B) Shoddily written software from vendors other than
      Microsoft.
   C) Cosmic rays.
 
10. (Fill In the Blank) ___________ and ____________ are
two differences between Windows 2000 DataCenter Server and
Windows 2000 Advanced Server.

11. (Essay) Imagine if Bill Gates were never born.  Without
innovation spurred by Microsoft, the computer industry
today would be a wasteland of 8 bit machines and hippie
college freaks sharing software source code. In one
paragraph, provide four examples of how a world without
Microsoft would be different than today's world. 

12. (Essay) Describe the steps necessary to fully upgrade
Windows 3.1 to Windows 98 using an upgrade CD-ROM. 
Attached are twenty blank pages to write your response.

Alas, the Vast Spy Network(tm) was unable to procure a copy
of the recommended textbook, "Computer Literacy for
Dummies", produced by Microsoft Press.  According to one
anonymous source this book contains such chapters as
"Getting to know the Start Menu", "Windows Explorer: It's
not that bad once you get used to it", "101 uses for the My
Computer icon", and "Surfing the Microsoft Network with
Internet Explorer".

So far, the new "computer literacy" requirements have
received little attention due to the uproar over the
anti-Evilution debacle.  Some high school students are
worried, but most parents are not.  One high school junior
told Humorix, "I've had two patches included in the Linux
kernel.  I maintain three mini-HOWTOs. I visit Slashdot
every hour.  And yet, because I haven't touched a Windows
box in over four years, I may not be able to graduate from
high school. I just hope I can get a GED and maybe Wal-Mart
or Burger King will hire me."

Most parents we spoke to applaud the new requirements.
"Anything we can do to put our kids on the 21st Century
Information Superhighway is a good thing," one parent
said.  When confronted about the fact that the computer
literacy program has a Microsoft-centric bias, she
responded, "So what? Microsoft _is_ the computer industry. 
Besides, everybody uses Windows anyways. The only other
operating system out there is Macintosh, and only
fruit-loving freaks on the Left Coast use that..."

---

James S. Baughn
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/

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