[humorix] Barry Acquires All Red Hat Shares

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Barry Acquires All Red Hat Shares
August 11, 1999
Dave Finton, surazal@nerp.net

Barry from Arizona received a rather pleasant surprise
yesterday morning: a special invitation email from Red
Hat.  Due to an ISP mixup caused by a Windows NT server
error, Barry received an email destined for a long-time
kernel hacker.  Barry, not knowing any better, put some
money into E*Trade and applied for the IPO online.  Since
Barry was the only person who applied for Red Hat's
upcoming IPO stock and passed the eligibility requirements,
he acquired the right to purchase all of Red Hat's stock.

"I just lied about my income and stuff," said Barry.  "I've
been in the popcorn industry for 3 weeks working in a movie
theatre, so I thought 'kernel hacker' meant something like
'theatre cashier'.  I got all of it, I suppose, for about
$2000.

Bob Young, CEO of Red Hat, wryly commented, "This is going
to suck."

Barry already has plans for his upcoming role as Cinema
Overlord.  "As Overlord and as controller of Red Hat Future
Planning, I will ensure that all movie theatres shall run
The Mighty Linux and that the popcorn comes with real
butter, not that syrupy crap that tastes like liquid
garlic!" proclaimed the victorious Barry.  Barry wore a
golden crown and surrounded himself with incense, large
fluffy pillows, and slaves indentured for seven generations
to provide their services.

One Red Hat programmer commented, "This Barry guy came by
and told us that we'd better start selling these overpriced
candy bars up to quota this month or we'd have to get used
to life as a Eunich!  One of our guys kept eating them all,
though.  Now he just spends his time there standing like a
statue waving a large feather fan in Barry's general
direction at all times.  Man, I've never seen that guy so
buff!  And that singing voice!"

Rasterman was last seen heading for the airport muttering
"I'm going back.  The dingos down in Austrailia aren't half
as nutty as these crazy Yanks."  Paul Hogan was unavailable
for comment.

RHAT opened at 3/10 of a cent during the IPO and closed at
5/10 of a cent. Barry ran around yelling, "I got $1500
dollars!  Woohoo!"  Bob Young and Mark Ewing shook their
heads in wonderment and awe, weeping tears of joy at their
new leader's vision.

In related news, Microsoft released a press statement today
suggesting that Windows 2000 will come with a "large" bag
of popcorn with every license for only $399.99 a seat. 
Couples or friends sharing the same bag of popcorn will
need to pay for two or more licenses according to the
license agreement. Movie theatres must also pay for a
Microsoft Popcorn license for every seat in the movies
theatre, regardless if whether anyone is actually sitting
there or not.

"This is the type of conversion that I've been predicting
for years", said Jesse Berst.  "I've always said that the
movie theatre popcorn industry would go head-to-head with
the Linux industry.  It's a natural match!"
-
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