[humorix] Instant Messenger War

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Instant Messenger War
August 9, 1999
Dave Finton, surazal@nerp.net

SILICON VALLEY -- War broke out yesterday between Microsoft
and AOL as the dispute over instant messaging protocols
turned violent.  What was once America's most economically
prosperous region became ground zero in a war that
reporters have already dubbed "The War Between the
Monopolies".  The streets of the embattled region are
covered with broken computer monitors, scorched AOL and
Windows 98 CD's, and propaganda leaflets air-dropped by the
two warring software companies.

The Microsoft leaflets proudly proclaim, "This war between
AOL and ourselves will have no bearing whatsoever on how we
do business.  Our software is the best in the world, and we
will crush the armies of Steve Case and demoralize their
citizenry!  We shall prevail!"  Simarly, AOL's leaflets
responded "Buy our online internet access for only $21.95 a
month and you can win the chance to carry Bill Gates' head
on a pole through Microsoft Headquarters when we annihilate
their mindless troops into oblivion!"  Scattered throughout
the leaflets were advertisements saying "FREE XXX PORN HOT
SEX PEANUT BUTTER FARM ANIMALS ONLY $80 DOLLARS A WEEK!"
and "GET RICH QUICK BY PURCHACING OUR GUIDE TO FAME AND
FORTUNE! GET OUT YOUR CREDIT CARD AND ORDER TODAY!"

[Editor's Note: Several Humorix staffers have placed bets
on whether the above paragraph will prompt the Australian
Censorship Police to ban Humorix.  The winner(s) will
receive a set of old 386SX computers that James Baughn
found in a dumpster last week.]

Friend fought against friend, brother fought against
brother, and computer geeks slapped each other
limp-wristedly screaming "Ow!  Stop it!  That hurts!  Ow! 
I'm telling!"

President Hillary Clinton released a press statement that
said, "In order to mediate the dispute between the world's
most powerful internet providers, we've called in the UN to
help resolve the difference."  A UN guy who said he was a
general's secratary or something replied, "I ain't touching
that with a 10-foot pole!  I've been in Sarejavo.  I've
been in Beirut.  But you are NOT getting me to go to that
hell on earth!  The property taxes alone are horrendous!"

Without any UN intervention, the war looks as though it
will only get worse.  Casulties have already reached the
100 Terabyte range, and are likely to go into the petabytes
as reporters and computer jockeys everywhere scramble
desperately to look up the definition of the word
"petabyte".

Microsoft, in a boastful move that has backfired on them,
dared the internet community to successfully attack an army
of marketing drones standing wide open in the middle of an
empty field.  The Microserfs were donned with the latest in
high-tech armor running the latest Beta of Windows 2000. 
However, no one got the chance to even rally up their
troops, as the suits of armor crashed and promptly
exploded, taking out the state of Wyoming with them.  Other
than the marketing drones, no casulties were reported. 
Microsoft officials attributed the crash to a lightning
storm, although observers noted that there was blue sky as
far as the eye could see that day.  Alert TV viewers,
however, noted that the man reporting on the weather that
day did happen to be a Mindcraft employee.  Microsoft
stated that this fact was simply a "coincidence".

As the Instant Messenger War progresses, we expect that
things will get truly hairy, as thousands of AOL and
Internet Explorer coffee cup coasters are distributed
worldwide to gain sympathy and mindshare among the
population at large.  Who knows how far this battle will
go?


-
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/